According to Us Weekly, Hayden Panettiere’s friends are concerned that her current relationship with stool molester (the wooden kind) Brian Hickerson is unhealthy. Hayden’s supposedly been behaving like she’s making up for all the Spring Breaks she missed because of her acting career. In addition to general foolery, the police visited Hayden, Brian, and Brian’s dad in South Carolina last month on a domestic disturbance call. In a statement to Access Hollywood, Brian said they’re just fine, and Hayden’s friends aren’t worried about her. He also wanted everybody to have a great day. He might be a bad influence-type but at least he’s a polite one.
One of my favorite couples Little Sprout (aka Hayden Panettiere) and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant (aka Wladimir Klitschko) became parents last December to a daughter Kaya. Hayden’s pregnancy was written into her show Nashville (which I watch and I can’t believe I keep admitting that out loud on this blog). Not long after Hayden’s character Juliette gave birth, she slowly slid into a postpartum depression spiral. Well, life is imitating primetime soap opera art, because Hayden’s rep says that she has gone off to rehab to be treated for PPD. Her rep gave this statement to UsWeekly.
“Hayden Panettiere is voluntarily seeking professional help at a treatment center as she is currently battling postpartum depression. She asks that the media respect her privacy during this time.”
While promoting, Nashville, Hayden talked about PPD since her character goes through it and she said on Live with Kelly and Michael that she relates and thinks some people brush it off like, “Oh, just drink some Tension Tamer Tea and you’ll be fine! That shit ain’t real!” Hayden said that PPD is something that needs to be talked about, which is probably why she’s letting it be known that she has it.
A few days ago, Hayden tweeted, “Feeling like I’m #finally coming back in to my own body!mother #daughter #blessing #wellworthit @bonesthenskin”
It’s a good thing that Hayden is getting help, but since I’m selfish, I wondered what does this mean for Nashville? Does it mean that Juliette won’t be in it that much anymore and so they’re going to give more screen time to annoying ass Scarlett? OH GOD. Get better, Hayden!
I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?
Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.
“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.
Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.
A little wider, Hayden, a little wider, just pull your hands about 10 more inches apart and then that’s what your gnome coochie tunnel is going to look like after a giant baby is pulled out of you.
If you watch Nashville, brace yourselves for a “Who’s the daddy?!” storyline, because UsWeekly says one night during a full moon, deep in the Enchanted Forest, the blonde garden gnome Hayden Pantyairs mated with the Ukrainian boxing giant Wladimir Klitschko and they made a fetus together. A source tells UsWeekly that 24-year-old Hayden isn’t half-assed pregnant, she’s “totally” pregnant with 38-year-old fiancé’s giant baby.
When Hayden and Wladimir fuck, it probably looks like a dormouse deep throating a fully grown zucchini, so I can only imagine how giant that baby is going to be. But really, when a garden gnome and a giant mate, will their baby be giant-sized, gnome-sized or somewhere in between? I guess we’ll know the answer if we see a knocked Hayden freaking out in pain as a giant baby leg hangs out of her twat and a giant baby arm hangs out of her mouth.
The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they’re nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring,
got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can’t say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!
The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she’s not wearing the ring, but they’re currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they’ve always been one of my favorite couples.
I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she’s standing up. That’s love! They’re the perfect couple. I can’t wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, “You may now kiss the troll!“
Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5’2″ Hayden Panettiere and 6’6″ Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.
The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I’m assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)
Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden’s my favorite thing about Nashville.
I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked “buy” after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song ‘Love Like Mine,’ are you sure?“