Category: To Shade Or Not To Shade

Greta Gerwig Is Probably Going To Play An Adult Wiener-Dog In A Follow-Up To “Welcome To The Dollhouse”

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve watched all of Todd Solondz’s fucked-up, weird movies (Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes, Dark Horse, etc…) several times, but the one that speaks to my soul the most is 1995′s Welcome to the Dollhouse, because it perfectly sums up how awful, awkward and shitty junior high school is. In that ode to 90s preteen awkwardness, Heather Matarazzo played Dawn Wiener, a fashion forward, nerdy 7th grader who’s constantly bullied at school and has a home life that is just as crappy. In Palindromes (SPOILER ALERT), we learn that Dawn Wiener offed herself in college. IMDB says that Todd Solondz wanted Heather Matarazzo to play Dawn again in Palindromes, but she told him, “Drop dead, lesbo.” No, but she didn’t want to play Wiener-Dog anymore for some reason, which makes no sense to me, because why wouldn’t she want to put on that white nutsack hair ponytail again?

The Hollywood Reporter says that Todd is working on another Welcome to the Dollhouse follow-up called Wiener-Dog and indie actress Greta Gerwig, who was in Frances Ha and To Rome With Love, is in talks to play grown up Dawn Wiener. Todd is also talking to Julie Delpy about taking a role. THR explains Wiener-Dog’s plot like this:

The script tells several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy.

What I’m getting from that HIGHLY detailed plot line is that after Dawn Wiener killed herself, she was reincarnated into an actual wiener dog. They better cast a wiener dog who can work the hell out of a ruffled clown blouse and who will keep the Special People’s Club alive.

What I really want to know is, who in the hell is going to play Dawn’s only friend Ralphie?

ralphie-2

Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs kind of looks like Ralphie, so my vote for the grown up Ralphie is Glenn Close in her Albert Nobbs drag.

Pics: Wenn.com, MNPP

Pigs Are Flying, Hell Froze Over, And Cameron Diaz May Be Engaged

October 11, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend, Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.

Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.

It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The Look Or Not The Look: James Franco’s Fake Elizabeth Taylor & Montgomery Clift Head Tattoo

September 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Douche of all trades, James Franco, was at the Venice Film Festival today for the premiere of the movie he directed and stars in, The Sound of the Fury (yes, based on William Faulkner’s novel), and he used his time on the red carpet to also shoot scenes for another movie he’s directing and starring in called Zeroville. For his role in Zeroville, James did what my genius stoner cousin did when he found out his job was drug testing him (read: shaved his head. But they ended up making my cousin piss in a cup instead. FOILED!) and he got a fake Elizabeth Taylor & Montgomery Clift tattoo painted onto the back of his head.

James told reporters that Zeroville is based on a novel about a messy architecture student who drops everything and moves to Hollywood in the 1960s to get into the movie game. The dude is so affected by Hollywood that he gets a still from his favorite movie, A Place In The Sun, inked into his dome. James will tell you that he decided to do the project, because as a cinematic artiste and independent film icon, he wanted to explore the complex time in Hollywood when the studio system was crumbling. But you know his ass only did it, because he wanted to get that fake tattoo on his head, so he could post about it on Instagram.

James Franco as his Zeroville character looks like an Otter Pop version of Tom Hardy as Bronson. He also look like Lex Luxor if Lex Luthor starred in a Ray Donovan reboot for LOGO. What I’m trying to say is that this is the hottest James Franco has ever looked.

As for that tattoo, that tattoo doesn’t really look like Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift to me. It looks like a young Ben Affleck giving a reach-around breast exam to Twenty Foreplay era Janet Jackson. In other words, that tattoo IS the look.

Pics: Splash

Prince William Looks A Mess As A Brunette

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.

When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:

“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.’”

Uh huh.

Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic.  Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.

via @TODAYShow

The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.

Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.

Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.

And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:

Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?

If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.

Pics: People, Wenn.com

Xena, I Mean Wonder Woman, Is Looking Hot!

July 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Two days after Zack Snyder made the tips of tongues go hard by twatting out a picture of Batfleck’s juicy, hairy bubble butt chin, he made the nerds shoot a panty pudding geyser out of their assholes by showing the first picture of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman at Comic-Con in San Diego this morning. Wonder Woman’s looking like she put on some hot hooker boots she bought on Hollywood Blvd and slipped on a re-purposed  Xena costume she got on clearance the day after Halloween at Party City to pose for an Instagram picture on the set of 300. When I first saw the words “Gal Gadot in Full Wonder Woman Costume” on my RSS feed, I braced my eyeballs for the worst, because I really thought Wonder Woman was going to look like a Wonder Mess. Maybe it’s because I was expecting the worst, but this isn’t that bad. Yes, she sort of does look like she’s doing lazy Xena cosplay and little skinny arms tell me that she must be the midget of the Amazons, but anything is better than the American Apparel stripper Wonder Woman that NBC gave us 3 years ago. Click here to see that shit in Hi-Res.

I do have something serious to bitch about, though. THAT HAIR! Bitch looks like she got up, squirted some leave-in conditioner in her hair and left the house. That is some “Monday morning letting my hair air dry while driving to work” hair. Wonder Woman does not have flat hair. Why would Wonder Woman ever have flat, basic hair when she can easily twirl some body into it? The Wonder Woman I know and love would never fight crime without her hair looking styled, set and sprayed. My feelings about Wonder Woman’s hair in that picture are best expressed through Lynda Carter’s side-eye that can penetrate through any gold cuff.

bitchpleasesideeyewonderwoman

With all that being said, Slut-O-Ween 2016 can’t come soon enough, because I can’t wait to see all the drunk messes stumbling around the streets and bars while wearing the brown plastic version of the new Wonder Woman costume they bought at Rite-Aid.

via MTV

Who Works It Better?

July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.

Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting,  Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.

Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”

Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.

And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Twitter, Splash

Would You Hit It?

June 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.

The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.

Andrew Kiraly of KNPR (via Eater) ate some of Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge and he actually lived to tell the tale :

Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!

Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.

But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.

Pic: Vital Vegas

Molly Ringwald’s Going To Be In The Jem Movie

May 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Jem and the Holograms movie is FINALLY getting some real star power. Aubrey Peeples, who plays unknowing beard Layla Grant on Nashville, is Jem and a bunch of other unknowns are the Holograms, so the producers sat around and realized that they need some true bright shining star power to sell this shit. So they pretended it was the 90s again and cast Juliette Lewis! And then they pretended it was the 80s again and cast Molly Ringwald!

It was already reported that the only Scientologist I can stand, Juliette Lewis, is playing an unknown role and yesterday the THR said that Molly Ringwald has joined the cast in an unknown role. Shooting is happening right now in L.A.

Warning: If you weren’t an 80s ho who watched Jem, then the following may be as foreign to you as regular English words are to Kendull Jenner.

Everyone’s speculating that Juliette Lewis is playing Synergy, but sometime Dlisted contributor Lahoma told me that he heard (yes, we’re physically grown adults who gossip about Jem and no, we’re not ashamed) that she’s playing a female version of Jerrica Benton’s rival Eric Raymond. There’s also speculation that Molly Ringwald is playing Countess Danielle Du Voisin. But I think Molly is playing Synergy and I pray to any God who has mercy on my soul that Juliette Lewis is playing Pizzazz. I’m hoping that in the Jem movie, The Misfits are a group of seasoned, bitter bitches who are jealous of Jem’s youth and beauty. About 10 minutes into the movie, they destroy Jem and all of the Holograms and the rest of the movie is about their global takeover. It’s the only way that the Jem movie won’t be a pile of pink shit covered in star-shaped purple glitter.

And again, I am a grown adult who is emotionally invested in a movie about an 80s cartoon.

Some Good TV News And Some Potentially Shitty TV News

April 28, 2014 / Posted by:

First for the good news since I hardly ever have good news.

For what has felt like centuries, HBO has been tapping all of our hungry parts with a hard dick by teasing about how the greatest TV show of 2005 The Comeback may make a comeback. There’s been rumors for a couple of months that The Comeback’s creator Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow were in talks to do a second season of the show that was way ahead of its time and today Kristin at E! says that it’s actually happening. Scripts are being written and production will start on May 19th. The second season will pick up 9 years later and Malin Ackerman and Kellan Lutz are coming back. The new season will be six episodes and HBO is treating it like a standalone event, but if bitches watch it they’ll bring it back for another season.

YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!

For 9 years I’ve been praying for the triumphant return of Aunt Sassy and finally my prayers have been answered! It’s a miracle. Now if the powers-that-be above can continue to answer my prayers by turning my body pillow into a lubed-up naked Prince Hot Ginge and make Jello-1-2-3 juice come out of my bathroom faucets.

And now for the potentially shitty news….

Fox must’ve been jealous over the ratings that NBC got for Sound of Music Live! (Well, live except for Carrie Underwood’s wet cardboard acting skills), because they’re planning a live production of Grease to air in 2015. Later this year, NBC is doing that dusty old Peter Pan musical and so Fox is trying to lure in the young whores by doing a young, sexy version of Grease. You’re the one that I’m not sure I want… Deadline says:

Fox’s staging will feature a young ensemble cast, the Casey/Jacobs songs “Summer Nights,” “Greased Lightnin’” and “We Go Together”; as well John Farrar’s “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and ”You’re The One That I Want.” “Greese‘s iconic characters and addictive songs make it the perfect fit for Fox, and we’re going to give it the kind of star power and production quality to make every Sandy, Danny, Rizzo and Kenickie out there want to get up and sing along,” said Shana C. Waterman, Fox’s SVP Event Series. Added Paramount TV president Amy Powell, “It’s incredibly exciting to have one of our first major network productions be based on this universally celebrated Paramount title.”

Since this is Fox, this is probably their dream cast (aka my nightmare cast):

Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte IS Sandy!
Justin Bieber IS Danny!
Miley Cyrus IS Rizzo!
Harry Styles IS Kenickie!
Chris Colfer IS Patty Simcox!
Jane Lynch in character as Sue Sylvester IS Teen Angel!
Ryan Seacrest IS Vince Fontaine!
Lea Michele IS Frenchy!

They should really consider casting the Biebs as Sandy instead since he’s a bad, bad girl trapped in the body of an innocent ingenue.

And those bitches at Fox better do right and cast La Vampy as my second favorite Grease character Cha-Cha!

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