NBC’s next live musical Bye Bye Birdie, starring Jennifer Lopez, isn’t going to terrorize our ears until later this year and so who knows if it’s going to be a flop or not. But NBC doesn’t care about that and has already picked out its next live musical. They will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus by doing Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Easter Sunday, which falls on April 1, 2018. Yes, NBC is doing Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Easter, which is also April Fool’s Day. That’s perfect wrapped in another layer of perfect and sprinkled with even more perfect. And no, I didn’t screw up the header pic. That’s not a picture of a hipster getting escorted out of Burning Man’s Gayborhood after acting a fool. It’s a picture of Ted Neeley as Jesus in the Jesus Christ Superstar movie from 1973.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about” said every eyebrow game worshipper who read that headline and then immediately fixed their eyeballs on the exquistely-crafted eye valances belonging to the lady on the left.
Suicide Squad was a neon-colored dried turd (strangely enough, I hear that a neon-colored dried turd is just one of the gifts that the King of Method Jared Leto gave to the cast), but it still made almost $750 million worldwide, and that doesn’t include the Mount Everest-sized pile of money it brought in from everyone’s Emo cousin buying merchandise like a pleather and gold-painted metal Puddin’ choker from Hot Topic. So because Suicide Squad was a hit in the money department, DC has hired its director and writer David Ayer to direct and produce a movie starring Harley Quinn, Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to end with all of us rioting at DC’s offices after it’s announced that Gigi Hadid is playing Catwoman and Kylie Jenner is playing Poison Ivy? Although, those pics of Kylie taken by Uncle Terry did cover every inch of my skin with the itchies and caused my eyeballs to break out into a rash, so that wouldn’t be the weirdest casting decision.
The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.
In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!
And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.
When you think of Tonya Harding’s face, you immediately think of Margot Robbie’s face, so it makes complete sense that she’s playing Nancy Kerrigan’s one-time arch rival in a movie. And by “makes complete sense” I mean doesn’t make sense.
Margot Robbie obviously opened up Charlize Theron’s handbook “How To Easily Win An Oscar When You’re A Gorgeous Woman” to the first and only page and took its advice when she read, “Step 1: Homely it up, bitch. The end.” Because Deadline says that 25-year-old Margot Robbie will produce and star in a movie about the trials and tribulations of Tonya Harding. Oscar fever is real and Margot probably caught it from Leonardo DiCatchAHo, which means that we shouldn’t be too surprised when Deadline announces that the bear from The Revenant is starring in a dark and serious biopic about the life of Smokey the Bear.
For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.