The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo
File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.”
Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.
Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.
And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:
Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?
If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.
Two days after Zack Snyder made the tips of tongues go hard by twatting out a picture of Batfleck’s juicy, hairy bubble butt chin, he made the nerds shoot a panty pudding geyser out of their assholes by showing the first picture of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman at Comic-Con in San Diego this morning. Wonder Woman’s looking like she put on some hot hooker boots she bought on Hollywood Blvd and slipped on a re-purposed Xena costume she got on clearance the day after Halloween at Party City to pose for an Instagram picture on the set of 300. When I first saw the words “Gal Gadot in Full Wonder Woman Costume” on my RSS feed, I braced my eyeballs for the worst, because I really thought Wonder Woman was going to look like a Wonder Mess. Maybe it’s because I was expecting the worst, but this isn’t that bad. Yes, she sort of does look like she’s doing lazy Xena cosplay and little skinny arms tell me that she must be the midget of the Amazons, but anything is better than the American Apparel stripper Wonder Woman that NBC gave us 3 years ago. Click here to see that shit in Hi-Res.
I do have something serious to bitch about, though. THAT HAIR! Bitch looks like she got up, squirted some leave-in conditioner in her hair and left the house. That is some “Monday morning letting my hair air dry while driving to work” hair. Wonder Woman does not have flat hair. Why would Wonder Woman ever have flat, basic hair when she can easily twirl some body into it? The Wonder Woman I know and love would never fight crime without her hair looking styled, set and sprayed. My feelings about Wonder Woman’s hair in that picture are best expressed through Lynda Carter’s side-eye that can penetrate through any gold cuff.
With all that being said, Slut-O-Ween 2016 can’t come soon enough, because I can’t wait to see all the drunk messes stumbling around the streets and bars while wearing the brown plastic version of the new Wonder Woman costume they bought at Rite-Aid.
On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.
Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting, Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.
Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”
Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.
And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas
The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Jem and the Holograms movie is FINALLY getting some real star power. Aubrey Peeples, who plays unknowing beard Layla Grant on Nashville, is Jem and a bunch of other unknowns are the Holograms, so the producers sat around and realized that they need some true bright shining star power to sell this shit. So they pretended it was the 90s again and cast Juliette Lewis! And then they pretended it was the 80s again and cast Molly Ringwald!
It was already reported that the only Scientologist I can stand, Juliette Lewis, is playing an unknown role and yesterday the THR said that Molly Ringwald has joined the cast in an unknown role. Shooting is happening right now in L.A.
Warning: If you weren’t an 80s ho who watched Jem, then the following may be as foreign to you as regular English words are to Kendull Jenner.
Everyone’s speculating that Juliette Lewis is playing Synergy, but sometime Dlisted contributor Lahoma told me that he heard (yes, we’re physically grown adults who gossip about Jem and no, we’re not ashamed) that she’s playing a female version of Jerrica Benton’s rival Eric Raymond. There’s also speculation that Molly Ringwald is playing Countess Danielle Du Voisin. But I think Molly is playing Synergy and I pray to any God who has mercy on my soul that Juliette Lewis is playing Pizzazz. I’m hoping that in the Jem movie, The Misfits are a group of seasoned, bitter bitches who are jealous of Jem’s youth and beauty. About 10 minutes into the movie, they destroy Jem and all of the Holograms and the rest of the movie is about their global takeover. It’s the only way that the Jem movie won’t be a pile of pink shit covered in star-shaped purple glitter.
And again, I am a grown adult who is emotionally invested in a movie about an 80s cartoon.
First for the good news since I hardly ever have good news.
For what has felt like centuries, HBO has been tapping all of our hungry parts with a hard dick by teasing about how the greatest TV show of 2005 The Comeback may make a comeback. There’s been rumors for a couple of months that The Comeback’s creator Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow were in talks to do a second season of the show that was way ahead of its time and today Kristin at E! says that it’s actually happening. Scripts are being written and production will start on May 19th. The second season will pick up 9 years later and Malin Ackerman and Kellan Lutz are coming back. The new season will be six episodes and HBO is treating it like a standalone event, but if bitches watch it they’ll bring it back for another season.
For 9 years I’ve been praying for the triumphant return of Aunt Sassy and finally my prayers have been answered! It’s a miracle. Now if the powers-that-be above can continue to answer my prayers by turning my body pillow into a lubed-up naked Prince Hot Ginge and make Jello-1-2-3 juice come out of my bathroom faucets.
And now for the potentially shitty news….
Fox must’ve been jealous over the ratings that NBC got for Sound of Music Live! (Well, live except for Carrie Underwood’s wet cardboard acting skills), because they’re planning a live production of Grease to air in 2015. Later this year, NBC is doing that dusty old Peter Pan musical and so Fox is trying to lure in the young whores by doing a young, sexy version of Grease. You’re the one that I’m not sure I want… Deadline says:
Fox’s staging will feature a young ensemble cast, the Casey/Jacobs songs “Summer Nights,” “Greased Lightnin’” and “We Go Together”; as well John Farrar’s “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and ”You’re The One That I Want.” “Greese‘s iconic characters and addictive songs make it the perfect fit for Fox, and we’re going to give it the kind of star power and production quality to make every Sandy, Danny, Rizzo and Kenickie out there want to get up and sing along,” said Shana C. Waterman, Fox’s SVP Event Series. Added Paramount TV president Amy Powell, “It’s incredibly exciting to have one of our first major network productions be based on this universally celebrated Paramount title.”
Since this is Fox, this is probably their dream cast (aka my nightmare cast):
Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte IS Sandy!
Justin Bieber IS Danny!
Miley Cyrus IS Rizzo!
Harry Styles IS Kenickie!
Chris Colfer IS Patty Simcox!
Jane Lynch in character as Sue Sylvester IS Teen Angel!
Ryan Seacrest IS Vince Fontaine!
Lea Michele IS Frenchy!
They should really consider casting the Biebs as Sandy instead since he’s a bad, bad girl trapped in the body of an innocent ingenue.
And those bitches at Fox better do right and cast La Vampy as my second favorite Grease character Cha-Cha!
If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”
The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.
Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.
The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.
Michael Jackson Moonwalked into the afterworld five years ago and it’s kind of shocking that his estate hasn’t grabbed onto his memory and milked every last cent of it by releasing a posthumous album of “new material” every other month since his death. But they’re hopping on that train now. Today, Epic Records announced that a new MJ album titled “Xscape” (insert kandibodyleanandsideye.GIF) will come out on May 13th. They also released this album cover, which I’m guessing was made in an old copy of Photoshop by Bubbles, of MJ peeking out of an intergalactic tuba.
The new MJ album will have 8 new songs that he recorded before he died. Since the songs were recorded a while ago, L.A. Reid “contemporized” the tracks for 2014. Epic will also burp up a deluxe edition that will include the songs in their original form before L.A. Reid slathered them in some 2014. L.A. Reid farted out this statement about the album:
“Michael left behind some musical performances that we take great pride in presenting through the vision of music producers that he either worked directly with or expressed strong desire to work with. We are extremely proud and honored to present this music to the world.”
And so it begins. Expect a “posthumous” album every damn year followed by a world tour starring a Michael Jackson Hologram and a Joe Jackson-produced tribute show in Reno, NV which will feature Blanket Jackson lip-synching to his dad’s old songs while Bubbles dances in the background. But can we just fast forward to the part where Detective La Toya releases an Unforgettable-type album of her singing duets with “Michael Jackson“? Yeah, let’s go there already.
Since I moved back to L.A., I’v experienced massive amounts of dumb fuck drivers and most of the time I have to turn on a Carpenters and/or stick an ice cube up my ass to cool down. Bitches have tailgated me just to tailgate me and usually I love it when an angry whore is riding me hard, but I’d prefer if we were both out of our cars, naked and lubed up. Whenever I’m dealing with a tailgater, I always move over and sometimes those dumb shits move over with me and continue to ride me just to fuck with me. When that happens, I always think that the crazy ass driver is probably going to skid out and eat shit. That’s exactly what happened to this YouTuber in….wait for it… wait for it… Tampa, FL. She writes that a dude in a truck was riding her ass like she was a hungry bottom and he was a power top. She pulled out her phone and filmed it all. She explains why she didn’t move over and claims that she kept her eyes on the road while filming (uh huh):
This happened to me on SR 41 in Tampa on Monday March 24th. This pathetic excuse for a human being tailgated me for about three minutes. After about a minute, and me shaking my head, I pulled out my phone and started recording. I couldn’t move over because there were trucks in the right lane, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to speed on a rainy day with the roads being as slick as they were. I was turning left in about a half-mile when this happened. Now bear in mind, that this guy had already passed a truck in a left turn lane, was tailgating and driving recklessly on a wet slick road, wasn’t paying attention, and all in all being an ignorant ass. In the full video which I will post later, you will be able to see that not once was I mouthing off, I never brake checked him, and in fact until I watched the video after the accident I didn’t even know he shot a bird at me because I wasn’t looking at him at all, I was paying attention to the road while holding the phone up with my right hand. I’ve recorded circumstances like this before, catching idiots doing stupid things, but never ever had this happen.
He initially fled the scene of the accident, but thanks to this video he has been caught and charged. Massive props to the Sheriffs Department and most especially the Highway Patrol who responded to the scene. This moron could have easily killed somebody with his moronic behavior, and my laughing at the end would have been replaced with tears. Needless to say though, I’ve never seen Karma come back so fast.
Okay, yes, I released after watching that.
But seriously, when she cackled while irresponsibly shooting that shit, I thought she was going to lose control, skid out and hit a tree on the other side of the road. The cops would’ve shown up, arrested them both and forced them to share a jail cell together. Of, course in that jail cell, they would’ve fallen in love. The love story that could’ve been.
And I can’t completely side with this lady for the simple that she shot this in portrait mode. That is unforgivable.
Authentic Mexican cuisine emporium Chipolte threw a lawsuit at Frank Ocean (government name: Christopher Breaux, for now) last week after he agreed to do a cover of “Pure Imagination” for their “Scarecrow” campaign and then pulled out without giving them shit. Chipolte paid him $212,500 and they were going to pay him another $212,500 after he burped out the song. But he changed his mind and now they’re suing him, and worse he’s probably banned from all Chipoltes and will never eat a burrito bowl AGAIN. (No, they’re money hungry whores, they’ll still take his money.)
Frank and Chipolte made the deal last summer and he was told the song would be used in a campaign to promote local and sustainably-sourced food. Frank knew that the money was coming from Chipolte and he knew it was an advertisement for Chipolte. Chipolte showed Frank a rough cut of the animated commercial that would show while his song played. Frank didn’t say anything then, but the day the song was due, he told them to open up their hands and he spread his cheeks and farted a whole lot of nothing into their palms. He told them that he didn’t want to do the song.
Frank’s people claim that he backed out of the deal, because he thought it was a campaign to promote responsible farming and didn’t like that Chipolte was going to stamp their logo at the end of the ad. That makes sense, because that would be crazy of Chipolte to put their logo on an ad that they’re paying for. Fiona Apple ended up doing the song instead.
Frank decided to leave the lawyers out of it and instead he gave them back their $212,500 and left a little love note in the memo. Frank Ocean posted the cashier’s check on his Tumblr today:
So Frank Ocean agreed to the job, took the check, decided he didn’t want to do the job, didn’t give the money back right away and when they threw a lawsuit at his face, he finally returned the money and told them to fuck off? It’s a total bratty, bitchy, trashy fuck wad move, but I’m still giving him a delicate opera clap, because writing “fuck off” in the memo of a check is the redefinition class. That’s what the memo part of a check is for! If you don’t write “for the hand job and anal (deducting $50 for the Valtrex I’ll have to buy)” in the memo part of a check, you’re writing a check wrong.
And you know somebody’s Florida cousin is going to print out that check, write their name in Wite Out over that black box and try to cash it.