Suicide Squad was a neon-colored dried turd (strangely enough, I hear that a neon-colored dried turd is just one of the gifts that the King of Method Jared Leto gave to the cast), but it still made almost $750 million worldwide, and that doesn’t include the Mount Everest-sized pile of money it brought in from everyone’s Emo cousin buying merchandise like a pleather and gold-painted metal Puddin’ choker from Hot Topic. So because Suicide Squad was a hit in the money department, DC has hired its director and writer David Ayer to direct and produce a movie starring Harley Quinn, Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to end with all of us rioting at DC’s offices after it’s announced that Gigi Hadid is playing Catwoman and Kylie Jenner is playing Poison Ivy? Although, those pics of Kylie taken by Uncle Terry did cover every inch of my skin with the itchies and caused my eyeballs to break out into a rash, so that wouldn’t be the weirdest casting decision.
The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.
In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!
And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.
When you think of Tonya Harding’s face, you immediately think of Margot Robbie’s face, so it makes complete sense that she’s playing Nancy Kerrigan’s one-time arch rival in a movie. And by “makes complete sense” I mean doesn’t make sense.
Margot Robbie obviously opened up Charlize Theron’s handbook “How To Easily Win An Oscar When You’re A Gorgeous Woman” to the first and only page and took its advice when she read, “Step 1: Homely it up, bitch. The end.” Because Deadline says that 25-year-old Margot Robbie will produce and star in a movie about the trials and tribulations of Tonya Harding. Oscar fever is real and Margot probably caught it from Leonardo DiCatchAHo, which means that we shouldn’t be too surprised when Deadline announces that the bear from The Revenant is starring in a dark and serious biopic about the life of Smokey the Bear.
For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.
After that Snapchat picture of Jared Leto was burned onto the wall of your nightmares and those pictures of him looking like Powder’s sad raver brother made the rounds, Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer finally twatted up a picture of the Joker in all his Joker glory. Get into his Sharpie tattoos and pimple nips.
This shit is very “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”
Bitch looks like the trailer park’s resident meth head who is also in Fort Myers, FL’s 6th most popular Marilyn Manson cover band and is known at the Gathering of the Juggalos as the crackhead who butt fucked himself with a 2 ounce plastic Fagyo bottle as a dare. He also looks like Hot Topic’s answer to that Die Antwoord dude. If you want to get as far away from Heath Ledger’s Joker as possible, this is one way to go. The only thing I have to say is that anyone who gets with this joker is a brave bitch, because he’ll give you metal poisoning of the pussy or ass if he munches on your down low parts. You know how it feels all wrong when you accidentally chew on foil? I wonder if it feels that same way when foil teeth chew on you?
That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:
“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”
“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”
Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.
Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.