Seen above looking like he got jumped by a gang of Sun-In bottles and lost, Ansel Elgort will get jumped by a gang of Sharks in the West Side Story movie remake we really don’t need and really, really don’t need from Steven Spielberg. Because of that mop on his head, it may look like Ansel’s going to play Anybodys in West Side Story (or should I say, Sandy Duncan as Anybodys), but he’s going to sing and dance as Tony.
Since bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I truly let out an, “Oh my fucking GOD no!“, while watching last night’s Emmys when I realized that a live wedding proposal was about to go down. And also because bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I screamed, “Please let her say NO,” right after. But she didn’t, and the icy turd in my chest may or may not have melted a little when she said yes. DAMMIT! I hate feeling things.
In 2015, it was announced that Hollywood, the Land of No Original Ideas, reached into a bag of past movies to butcher and pulled out Flatliners. It was announced that a remake of Flatliners starring Ellen Page was in the works. Info about more casting has been dropped along the way, but I mostly forgot it was happening until today when the trailer came out.
NBC’s next live musical Bye Bye Birdie, starring Jennifer Lopez, isn’t going to terrorize our ears until later this year and so who knows if it’s going to be a flop or not. But NBC doesn’t care about that and has already picked out its next live musical. They will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus by doing Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Easter Sunday, which falls on April 1, 2018. Yes, NBC is doing Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Easter, which is also April Fool’s Day. That’s perfect wrapped in another layer of perfect and sprinkled with even more perfect. And no, I didn’t screw up the header pic. That’s not a picture of a hipster getting escorted out of Burning Man’s Gayborhood after acting a fool. It’s a picture of Ted Neeley as Jesus in the Jesus Christ Superstar movie from 1973.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about” said every eyebrow game worshipper who read that headline and then immediately fixed their eyeballs on the exquistely-crafted eye valances belonging to the lady on the left.
Suicide Squad was a neon-colored dried turd (strangely enough, I hear that a neon-colored dried turd is just one of the gifts that the King of Method Jared Leto gave to the cast), but it still made almost $750 million worldwide, and that doesn’t include the Mount Everest-sized pile of money it brought in from everyone’s Emo cousin buying merchandise like a pleather and gold-painted metal Puddin’ choker from Hot Topic. So because Suicide Squad was a hit in the money department, DC has hired its director and writer David Ayer to direct and produce a movie starring Harley Quinn, Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to end with all of us rioting at DC’s offices after it’s announced that Gigi Hadid is playing Catwoman and Kylie Jenner is playing Poison Ivy? Although, those pics of Kylie taken by Uncle Terry did cover every inch of my skin with the itchies and caused my eyeballs to break out into a rash, so that wouldn’t be the weirdest casting decision.