Michael Jackson Moonwalked into the afterworld five years ago and it’s kind of shocking that his estate hasn’t grabbed onto his memory and milked every last cent of it by releasing a posthumous album of “new material” every other month since his death. But they’re hopping on that train now. Today, Epic Records announced that a new MJ album titled “Xscape” (insert kandibodyleanandsideye.GIF) will come out on May 13th. They also released this album cover, which I’m guessing was made in an old copy of Photoshop by Bubbles, of MJ peeking out of an intergalactic tuba.
The new MJ album will have 8 new songs that he recorded before he died. Since the songs were recorded a while ago, L.A. Reid “contemporized” the tracks for 2014. Epic will also burp up a deluxe edition that will include the songs in their original form before L.A. Reid slathered them in some 2014. L.A. Reid farted out this statement about the album:
“Michael left behind some musical performances that we take great pride in presenting through the vision of music producers that he either worked directly with or expressed strong desire to work with. We are extremely proud and honored to present this music to the world.”
And so it begins. Expect a “posthumous” album every damn year followed by a world tour starring a Michael Jackson Hologram and a Joe Jackson-produced tribute show in Reno, NV which will feature Blanket Jackson lip-synching to his dad’s old songs while Bubbles dances in the background. But can we just fast forward to the part where Detective La Toya releases an Unforgettable-type album of her singing duets with “Michael Jackson“? Yeah, let’s go there already.
Since I moved back to L.A., I’v experienced massive amounts of dumb fuck drivers and most of the time I have to turn on a Carpenters and/or stick an ice cube up my ass to cool down. Bitches have tailgated me just to tailgate me and usually I love it when an angry whore is riding me hard, but I’d prefer if we were both out of our cars, naked and lubed up. Whenever I’m dealing with a tailgater, I always move over and sometimes those dumb shits move over with me and continue to ride me just to fuck with me. When that happens, I always think that the crazy ass driver is probably going to skid out and eat shit. That’s exactly what happened to this YouTuber in….wait for it… wait for it… Tampa, FL. She writes that a dude in a truck was riding her ass like she was a hungry bottom and he was a power top. She pulled out her phone and filmed it all. She explains why she didn’t move over and claims that she kept her eyes on the road while filming (uh huh):
This happened to me on SR 41 in Tampa on Monday March 24th. This pathetic excuse for a human being tailgated me for about three minutes. After about a minute, and me shaking my head, I pulled out my phone and started recording. I couldn’t move over because there were trucks in the right lane, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to speed on a rainy day with the roads being as slick as they were. I was turning left in about a half-mile when this happened. Now bear in mind, that this guy had already passed a truck in a left turn lane, was tailgating and driving recklessly on a wet slick road, wasn’t paying attention, and all in all being an ignorant ass. In the full video which I will post later, you will be able to see that not once was I mouthing off, I never brake checked him, and in fact until I watched the video after the accident I didn’t even know he shot a bird at me because I wasn’t looking at him at all, I was paying attention to the road while holding the phone up with my right hand. I’ve recorded circumstances like this before, catching idiots doing stupid things, but never ever had this happen.
He initially fled the scene of the accident, but thanks to this video he has been caught and charged. Massive props to the Sheriffs Department and most especially the Highway Patrol who responded to the scene. This moron could have easily killed somebody with his moronic behavior, and my laughing at the end would have been replaced with tears. Needless to say though, I’ve never seen Karma come back so fast.
Okay, yes, I released after watching that.
But seriously, when she cackled while irresponsibly shooting that shit, I thought she was going to lose control, skid out and hit a tree on the other side of the road. The cops would’ve shown up, arrested them both and forced them to share a jail cell together. Of, course in that jail cell, they would’ve fallen in love. The love story that could’ve been.
And I can’t completely side with this lady for the simple that she shot this in portrait mode. That is unforgivable.
Authentic Mexican cuisine emporium Chipolte threw a lawsuit at Frank Ocean (government name: Christopher Breaux, for now) last week after he agreed to do a cover of “Pure Imagination” for their “Scarecrow” campaign and then pulled out without giving them shit. Chipolte paid him $212,500 and they were going to pay him another $212,500 after he burped out the song. But he changed his mind and now they’re suing him, and worse he’s probably banned from all Chipoltes and will never eat a burrito bowl AGAIN. (No, they’re money hungry whores, they’ll still take his money.)
Frank and Chipolte made the deal last summer and he was told the song would be used in a campaign to promote local and sustainably-sourced food. Frank knew that the money was coming from Chipolte and he knew it was an advertisement for Chipolte. Chipolte showed Frank a rough cut of the animated commercial that would show while his song played. Frank didn’t say anything then, but the day the song was due, he told them to open up their hands and he spread his cheeks and farted a whole lot of nothing into their palms. He told them that he didn’t want to do the song.
Frank’s people claim that he backed out of the deal, because he thought it was a campaign to promote responsible farming and didn’t like that Chipolte was going to stamp their logo at the end of the ad. That makes sense, because that would be crazy of Chipolte to put their logo on an ad that they’re paying for. Fiona Apple ended up doing the song instead.
Frank decided to leave the lawyers out of it and instead he gave them back their $212,500 and left a little love note in the memo. Frank Ocean posted the cashier’s check on his Tumblr today:
So Frank Ocean agreed to the job, took the check, decided he didn’t want to do the job, didn’t give the money back right away and when they threw a lawsuit at his face, he finally returned the money and told them to fuck off? It’s a total bratty, bitchy, trashy fuck wad move, but I’m still giving him a delicate opera clap, because writing “fuck off” in the memo of a check is the redefinition class. That’s what the memo part of a check is for! If you don’t write “for the hand job and anal (deducting $50 for the Valtrex I’ll have to buy)” in the memo part of a check, you’re writing a check wrong.
And you know somebody’s Florida cousin is going to print out that check, write their name in Wite Out over that black box and try to cash it.
Variety says that Adam Driver, known to you and me as the dude who dropped his peen leche on Shiri Appleby and bones Lena Dunham on almost every episode of Girls, is thisclose to beating out Michael Fassbender and Hugo Weaving for the villain role in Star Wars: Episode VII. No word yet on if Hannah is in talks to play Watto and Shosh is in talks to play Jar Jar Binks.
Variety says that Adam is J.J. Abrams, Disney and LucasFilms’ #1 choice to play the villain who is described as a Darth Vadar-like character. They’re trying to work out scheduling shit with Adam, but he’s expected to officially sign on in the next few days. Shooting begins this April in London and it comes out December 18, 2015.
Disney didn’t have anything to say about this.
Jesse Plemons, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Florence Welch, Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ewan McGregor, Alex Pettyfer, David Oyelowo, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Gary Oldman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Saoirse Ronan, your cousin, my cousin, the back-up weed man you use when your regular weed man’s busy, your weekday night hook-up and everybody else in the world has been mentioned as being “in talks” for a role in Star Wars. So I guess this is some grain of salt shit.
But you know, it concerns me that I don’t hate the idea of Adam from Girls as the main bad bitch in Star Wars. It’s about time we have a socially awkward Sith lord (but aren’t all Sith lords socially awkward?) who looks like a fun house mirror Adrien Brody, cums on all the chests of the Ewoks, mocks all of his girlfriends and kills his enemies by pissing on them in the shower.
Pic: Terry’s Diary
If you’ve got 6 minutes and 10 seconds of your life to spare and really want to see Will Ferrell act like a bitchy mean girl while dragged up like a hotter Michelle Duggar, then press play on this video from last night’s The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon pulled out that “Ew!” sketch and used that shit as a platform for First Lady Michelle Obama to come out to tell all of our lazy asses to exercise more (You’re not my mom, Michelle Obama!) and to try to make kale chips happen again. The only way I will ever eat a kale chip again is if it’s wearing a jacket made of potato chips, a hat made of deep fried bacon and it’s insides are filled with processed nacho cheese. Even then, I’ll hold my nose while doing so.
The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon isn’t even a week old and he’s already had Brian Williams making nip slits smile by mumbling out Rapper’s Delight and Will Smith doing the evolution of hip-hop moves with him. What’s next? Joe Biden doing Slow James the News?
Meanwhile on Public Access in NYC, Sarah Palin was a guest on The Robin Byrd Show. I wish.
A few of you dropped this awkward nugget into our inboxes and the first thing Allison said to me after watching it was, “This is the gayest thing I’ve seen today.” Excuse you, Allison, but this is the straightest thing I’ve seen today. My b-hole didn’t pucker once and not one vein in my butt tingled while watching the Russian Police Choir perform “Get Lucky” before the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi today. All I see are a bunch of straight dudes (and probably some gay dudes trying hard to not “look gay“) awkwardly bounce around to get “Get Lucky” while their souls slowly get into the fetal position before completely dying. They look like they would rather be taking a communal shit in a Sochi bathroom while guzzling down gallons of dangerous Sochi hotel water.
Their cop uniforms aren’t even bedazzled and they aren’t serving up some piping hot moves that’ll make your nipples spit out rainbow-colored glitter. I don’t even think this was choreographed! If this truly was the “gayest thing ever,” those police officers would have to arrest themselves.
This looks like karaoke night at the Scientology men’s lounge. …..And with that sentence, I think I just proved Allison right. Damn her.
Vid via THR
I watch way too much HSN and QVC, which explains why my brains probably look like a mound of mashed cauliflower with dead flies stuck in it, so when I read the movie news of the year last night, I pulled all my Huggable Hangers out of my closet, threw them on the floor and rolled around on them while screaming “YAAAAASSSS!” Hollywood is finally doing what’s right by making a biopic about HSN superstar and the second most important inventor of all time (after the inventor of anal beads, of course) Joy Mangano! Today the Joy Mangano biopic, tomorrow the Vince ShamWow biopic starring Johnny Knoxville.
Because Jennifer Lawrence made a pact with the devil to star in every movie that David O. Russell does, she’s thinking about starring in the Joy Mangano biopic and he’s in talks to direct it and rewrite the script which was written by Annie Mumolo who co-wrote Bridesmaids. Deadline says that the Joy Mangano biopic (yes, we’re living in a world where the Huggable Hangers movie is happening) will follow her from single working mother trying to pay the bills to household product mogul. Joy was working three jobs to support her three kids when she invented the Miracle Mop, which she sold locally in Long Island before taking it to QVC. Joy also invented Huggable Hangers, HSN’s biggest-selling product of all-time. This movie is going to be Jennifer Lawrence’s Erin Brockovich, so it brings her even closer to becoming the new Julia Roberts.
As much as I think that what the world really needs right now is a Joy Mangano biopic, this sounds like a boring disaster. Once again, David O. Russell is getting his main boo to play a role that is way too old for her ass. If he directed the Golden Girls movie, he’d cast Jennifer Lawrence as Sophia. The Joy Mangano biopic deserves better. It should be produced by Lifetime and star Susan Lucci, because together they would create a dramatic masterpiece worthy of the American treasure who invented Huggable Hangers.
But I’d be all for David O. Russell’s version if he cast Maya Rudolph as my favorite HSN host Shannon Smith.
Yes, I know the HSN hosts by name and I have a favorites. In case you didn’t already know, I am a 300-pound cat lady spinster trapped in the body a skinny fat gay.
The last trailer for Disney’s Maleficent was a pile of shit and it made it look like that mess of a movie was pasted together using leftover scenes from Slow White and the Huntsman and that CGI bukkake called Alice in Wonderalnd. The newest trailer, which was shat up during the Grammys last night, still looks Slow White’s CGI backwash, but it doesn’t look as much of a piece of trash as it did before. It’s obvious that St. Angie Jolie’s serious cheekbones steal the movie and they should get top billing. Those cheekbones could cut a whore up. Either they vacuum sealed St. Angie’s face some more so her natural cheekbones really popped or they made a rubber replica of Phoebe Price’s chicken cutlet cheeks and pasted them on St. Angie’s face. If Maleficent wanted to toss your salad, you’d have to wear armored panties with a hole cut out over your no-no or she’d slice your nalgas right up with those shankified cheekbones of her. In this version, Aurora probably pricks her finger on Maleficent’s cheekbones instead of on a spinning wheel’s spindle.
The new trailer also has Lana Del Rey’s cover of “Once Upon a Dream.” It’s typical Lana. She sounds like she’s singing it while lying in a hot bath after downing a bottle of red wine and a couple Lunestas. Maleficent probably skips the whole spindle thing and puts that Aurora trick to sleep by playing her this song.
If that polar vortex (which sounds like a fancy name for one of Nicole Kidman’s queefs) has put a thick layer of ice on your b-hole, then take those chonies off and warm it on Prince Hot Ginge’s fire beard while you still can. Because The Express (via Jezebel) has heard from “royal sources” (aka that gossiping, shady whore Camilla) that THE QUEEN hates the fiery field of ginger hairs all over Prince Hot Ginge’s face and has ordered him to take a razor to it. The Queen thinks beards look scruffy and she doesn’t let any member of her palace staff grow one. The Queen has even been known to pull tweezers out of her pocket book and pluck the thick stache hairs above Camilla’s mouth during dinner. No face hair for THE QUEEN! PHG knows that his memaw wants the beard gone, but he’s waiting to show it to his piece Cressida Boners before he gets rid of it. (Translation: PHG wants his piece to brush her coochie lips with his beard before he gets rid of it.) The royal source said this:
“The rest of the family liked it and were taking the mickey, especially his cousin Zara who dubbed him ‘Prince Hairy.’ But the Queen soon let her displeasure be known. She doesn’t mind royal men growing beards when they are away in the Armed Forces or out in the wilds like Harry was in the Antarctic, but she expects them to be clean-shaven when they get home. Royal staff are not supposed to grow beards or moustaches and she probably thinks it is difficult to enforce that rule when her own grandson has a beard. Harry doesn’t like to upset the Queen and will probably shave it off soon but he is still a bit of a rebel and he wasn’t going to remove it straight away. He wanted to show it off to Cressida first and see what she thought of it.”
With that beard, PHG sort of looks like a failed pro baseball player turned shady bail bondsman who turned to the bottle after his second marriage ended and regularly gets kicked out of bars for pissing on the floor and making out with the jukebox. What I’m saying is that the beard is hot, but now that I know that THE QUEEN hates it, it’s even hotter. Defy THE QUEEN with that beard, PHG!
And I am only okay with PHG shaving his beard off if he sells the hair on eBay. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sell everything I have to buy his shaved-off beard hair and I have to do a little research on how to make anal beads out of shaved-off beard hair.
Every lifelong Claymate packed up her green Subaru Outback wagon, said goodbye to all of her cats, strapped her Clay doll into the passenger seat, hiked up her mom jeans, sang a few bars of “Mary, Did You Know?” (aka the official hymn of Claymates) and headed for North Carolina to join Team CLAY GAYKEN FOR CONGRESS! The Washington Blade says that Clay Aiken is “actively considering” running for Congress. I wish Clay would shift his priorities and actively consider using some tweezers to get those overgrown eyebrows to a cuter place before he considers running for Congress, but if everything went my way then I’d have two b-holes and I’d be locked up in a lube factory with the Double Dick Dude from Reddit.
The Washington Blade’s source says that 35-year-old Clay, who’s from Raleigh, has met with political types and has talked to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee about possibly running for a House seat in North Carolina’s 2nd congressional district. Clay is so serious that he’s been working with political strategist Betsy Conti and he took his ass to Washington DC to look at polling data with a partner from Hart Research Associates. Both Clay and Betsy Conti have kept their mouths shut about this rumor, which means it’s probably true. Clay has until February 8th to throw his Burberry hat into the ring.
The Blade thinks that the messiah to the Claymates has a good chance at winning if he does run.
Although the polls indicate Republicans may be favored as the mid-term elections approach on a general ballot, the Democratic nominee — whether it’s Aiken, [Commerce Secretary Keith Crisco] or someone else — may have a shot at the seat, which comprises Raleigh and was controlled by Democrats before the Republican surge in 2010. A House Democratic aide, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, described the second congressional district as a “winnable seat” for Democrats.
Clay didn’t win American Idol and he didn’t win Celebrity Apprentice, but I hope he finally breaks his losing streak and wins that House seat, because he’ll probably sing out all his arguments on the Congress floor. And when he starts to debate and the musical notes waft out of his mouth, every straight, old, white Congressman in there won’t be able to resist him and the ovaries they didn’t know they had will start to shake a thousand different ways. They will all become instant Claymates.
Besides, Clay has everything it takes to be a politician. He doesn’t have any political experience and we’ve already seen the pictures of him showing off his baked carrot coin nipples to a trick on webcam. He’s perfect politician material. Swear him in!