Abuelitas everywhere protected their eyes with a black lace veil when it was announced that JLo was going to sing and dance in a tribute to Celia Cruz on the American Music Awards. JLo went through with it last night and yes, my tia did a better tribute to Celia Cruz when she danced barefoot to Yo Vivire on a concrete patio during a backyard wedding reception, but JLo wasn’t that awful. It really hurts the edges of my soul to type “JLo” and “wasn’t that awful” in the same sentence.
Comparing JLo’s voice to Celia Cruz’s voice is like comparing the clarity quality of a grade FL diamond to a crotch pimple with an ingrown pube in it. But JLo didn’t sound that awful (there I go again use those words in the same sentence again, what is happening to me???) and that’s because she either lip-synched or sang with a track. Because if JLo did sing live, every Humane Law Enforcement agent from the ASPCA would’ve rushed that stage thinking that a debarked dog was getting beat with a bag of squirrels.
JLo’s performance didn’t have any “Azúcaaaa!!!!” and it barely had a teaspoon of Sweet’N Low in it, but there were costume changes, flips, rainbow ruffles and sparkles. It was probably one of the best performances last night (although, that really isn’t saying shit).
All the Academy members who are eligible to nominate in the acting categories are making a mental note to write on their ballots, “Best Butterfly-Chasing Performance By A Chosen One In A Trailer – Vivi Jolie-Pitt,” after watching the humanized sliver of the sun that is Vivienne Jolie-Pitt frolic in the Maleficent trailer.
Yesterday, Disney released the poster for that movie about a demonic fairy who puts an evil Ambien curse on the royal baby after the kid’s rude ass parents don’t send her an Evite to the royal christening. (“Hmm, that’s giving me an idea,” said a scorned Duchess Fergie) Today, Disney released the trailer which is about 99% CGI fuckery and the rest of it is Elle Fanning and St. Angie Jolie trying to do what I think is supposed to be a British accent.
Based on the synopsis that Disney released, they’ve erased that whole “christening invitation revenge” thing and will focus on how Maleficent went from an innocent young girl to an ice-hearted evil fairy. How very Oz of them. I don’t want to see Maleficent’s stupid backstory! I just want to see two hours of her destroying the souls of men, making grown people cry, cutting bitches with her razor sharp cheekbones and pouncing on children from the darkness. Wait, I think I just admitted to wanting to see an Angelina Jolie biopic.
Maleficent comes out next May. And next Halloween, out will come millions of messes dressed up like a slutty Maleficent. Malefislut!
Lorde, the 16-year-old singer from New Zealand whose song about how she’ll never be a marshmallow and dark chocolate tit cookie is still #1, is pretty much like every 16-year-old (and 30-something skinny fat gossip blogger) out there: she loves to talk shit. Everyone wants to work with Lorde but Lorde does not want to work with everyone. FasterLouder (via HuffPo) was doing an interview with Lorde when her manager pulled her aside to tell her that human Armani Exchange store David Guetta wants to collaborate with her on his next album and she kept it one hundred percent bitchy when she spit out this answer:
“No. Fuck no. He’s so gross.”
I don’t know whether to roll both of my eyes at Lorde or ask her if I can sit at her table. Hating on David Guetta?! Yes, David Guetta looks like the French Andy Dick and his music is responsible for every daytime hotel pool party in Las Vegas, but he seem so harmless. Like he’s that dude in the corner by himself who is always smiling and always bopping his head, because he’s half deaf and the beats never leave his head. You always have to squint at him to see if he’s wearing headphones, but he never is. EDM is trapped in his brain and his brain doesn’t have a mute button.
And Lorde also shared her thoughts to Q Magazine (via Hollywood Life) about pop hos (aka Miley) getting wild and naked.
“I’m a feminist, so certain things about music I find frustrating. I think pop is scarily powerful. There are a lot of shock tactics these days. People trying to outdo each other, which will probably culminate in two people fucking on stage at the Grammys. I try to keep my blinkers on and focus on making music.”
I don’t think Lorde is wrong. If Kanye is nominated for a Grammy and wins, we will see him fucking himself on stage. That counts, right?
You know Halloween has been filled to the top with layers upon layers of thick fuckery (see: Julianne Hough and all of this) if you see Miley Cyrus dressed up as Lil Kim and your first thought is, “Thank BEA ARTHUR that she’s not in blackface.”
Because Miley Cyrus really wanted to wear a Slutoween costume where she could show off her little uncooked chest dumpling, she dressed up as a white Lil Kim circa 1999 VMAs this year. But then again, isn’t Lil Kim a white Lil Kim at this point? Miley kind of looks like Amanda Bynes as Lil Kim (she does have a look in her eye that says, “You know you want to leave a chalk outline around this vagina, Drake”), but Amanda would never wear the WRONG shade of purple and she’d never wear a full-titty pasty instead of a nipple pasty. But Lil Kim still approves of Miley’s tribute to her and tweeted a taint pat of approval.
The only thing really missing here is a Diana Ross jiggling her titty. And I’m sure that as I type this, Billy Ray is putting a Diana Ross wig over his mullet.
(Pics via Twatter)
Nothing about Tom “Dabbled in Dick” Hardy playing Elton John in a biopic makes sense, but this is only good news. First, Justin Timberlake was supposedly the frontrunner to play Elton John, and JT and movies go together like butt sex and prunes, so somebody was looking out for all of us when his ass wasn’t cast. Second, I’d much rather watch Tom Hardy as Elton John snort coke off of a hustler’s b-hole than watch Elton John as Elton John snort coke off of a hustler’s b-hole. This is perfect casting!
Deadline says that Rocketman will be produced by Elton John’s partner David Furnish and it will be directed by Michael Gracey. Focus queefed out this release yesterday:
Tom Hardy will star as Elton John in Rocket Pictures’ Rocketman, and Focus Features has come aboard to give the film a major U.S. release, producers announced today.
The Hardy deal caps a lengthy search to cast the role of Elton in the film, which will be co-financed by AI Film.
Much like the man himself, Rocketman is a larger-than-life movie musical spectacle that tells the story of a child prodigy turned music legend. Elton will re-record many of his iconic hits to parallel the emotional beats of the film that will have audiences on their feet, singing along to his much loved music. The film is scheduled to shoot in fall 2014.
I don’t know if Tom Hardy can sing or play the piano, but who really cares? Rocketman can have all my money if they use zero special effects, Tom Hardy doesn’t wear any prosthetics and it’s a minimal production, meaning Tom Hardy plays Elton John if Elton John was a nudist. And based on the fact that they cast a hot trouty-mouthed piece to play Elton, I’m guessing the rest of the cast list is going to look like this:
David Gandy IS David Furnish!
Some Victoria’s Secret Angel IS Linda Woodrow!
Rosie Huntington-Whateverly IS Princess Diana!
Charlie Hunnam IS Eminem!
A cardboard cutout of a young Elizabeth Hurley IS Elizabeth Hurley!
No, this is not Lady CaCa in a long-lost picture from the Born This Way Ball tour. This is the first picture of MERYL STREEP!!! (Note: It always feels unnatural when I type MERYL STREEP!!!’s name in lower case letters without excitement points) as The Witch in the Into the Woods movie, which is shooting in England right now and comes out on Christmas Day 2014. I know this is just a picture, but I don’t know about this mess. She doesn’t look scary or ugly enough. That wig looks like it was put together using strands of polyester pulled out of Nicki Minaj’s wig sink and her face looks like White Oprah’s hungover face after she barfed up the 3 bottles of Popov she downed the night before. Wait, since I put it that way, Meryl does look terrifying and can scare children into an early old age.
But really, this is Meryl Streep and I’m sure she’ll win a Best Actress Oscar next year for her performance in this picture alone. Sorry, Cate.
When God created Adam and Eve, I am one hundred percent sure that God’s first words to them was, “Everything will be okay if you just remember that bangs are a privilege, not a right.”
I once told one of my friends that she would look good with a straight, blunt bang and her response was that she would never, because the only human on this planet who looks good with a straight, blunt bang is Young Waverly in The Joy Luck Club movie. She had a point. But I don’t know, I feel like every chick should get a straight, blunt bang at least once in her life so she can know the answer to the question, “Will I look like I’m wearing a wig from Nicki Minaj’s discount wig collection for Ricky’s if I get straight, blunt bangs?” That’s why I can’t hate Hayden Panatroll for trying it.
Hayden Panacotta showed up to the Late Show with David Letterman yesterday looking like Skipper if Skipper put on Barbie’s clip-on bangs and early 80s hooker boots borrowed from a Thriller extra (Happy Birthday, MJ!) to interview for the position of weekday call girl at a bottom tier escort agency. In other words, I love it!
Carrie Underwood yodeled out Guns’N Roses‘ “Paradise City” at the CMA Music Festival this past June and ABC aired her performance last night. While waiting for Masterpiece Theater Presents The Real Housewives of Miami to start, I flipped through the channels and stopped on Carrie’s performance and it took me a few eye blinks to realize that it was not Axl Rose with smaller tits looking clean,fresh, skinnier. I picked the wrong night to be out of weed, because I needed it to get me through all of this.
The song…. the outfit….the moves…. Carrie moved like a linebacker who had to pee and had the runs at the same time. I don’t know if this is the most jacked up thing I saw last night or the best thing I saw last night, but it’s definitely the weirdest.
Carrie co-hosted Good Morning America today with a special doggy friend and I’m guessing that the doggy friend also watched the same shit I watched last night and is still not over it.
My facial expressions exactly, puppy.
Usually if you park outside a stranger’s house and peer into their windows, they might come out with a shotgun and threaten to shoot your eyeballs into the next block. If you park outside of my abuelita’s house, she’ll probably come out and turn the garden hose on you. If you park outside of my uncle’s house, he’ll probably be in the front yard watching TV on the porch and he will throw an empty Corona bottle at you. But if you park outside of Aaron Paul’s house and creepily look in his windows, he’ll see you, wave and then walk down three flights of ten million stairs to talk to you. (Seriously, Aaron Paul lives in a fucking Esher print.)
The McNeive clan of Ireland were doing some sort of star homes tour when the van pulled up in front of Aaron Paul’s house. Aaron saw them and came down to talk to them. Aaron told them that whenever he’s home when a van full of star watchers pulls up, he tries to get up close and personal with them. That’s nice of Aaron Paul and everything, but if I was the McNeives, I’d be so disappointed, because he didn’t call any of them a bitch and he didn’t try to sell them blue meth.
I wish The Carrie Diaries would introduce a new wig to young Carrie Bradshaw’s head next season, but instead of doing that they’re introducing one of my favorite TV sluts Samantha Jones. The CW released this picture of Lindsey Gort in character as Slutmantha. She sort of kind of gives me “a young Tina Fey as Debbie Harry” vibes, but she mostly looks like a young Samantha Jones to me. Yes, it would’ve been better if they cast Kim Cattrall in an 80s wig to play young Samantha Jones, but this will work too. Lindsey as Samantha Jones looks like a young and slightly innocent slut who has only fucked like 80 dudes and is well on her way to becoming one of the greatest sluts Manhattan has ever seen (sorry, Weiner).
Even though Lindsey Gort looks like Samantha Jones, I doubt she sounds like her, so they should get Xtina to dub all her lines. Obviously.