That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:
“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”
“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”
Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.
Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.
This does make sense since bitch already has the costumes, makeup, eyebrow wigs, etc….
Both FX and Lady CaCa announced today that she will star in the fifth season of American Horror Story (not to be confused with American Whorror Story starring the Kardashians on E!). This is kind of shocking, because based on Shonda Rhimes’ glowing review of CaCa’s Oscar performance, you’d think she’d make her television acting debut in Scandal. Actually, I shouldn’t say “television acting debut,” because she did play the pivotal role of “girl at swimming pool #2″ in an episode of The Sopranos.
The fifth season is titled American Horror Story: Hotel and it’s rumored that it’ll take place in Nevada. That mess will start shooting in July and splatter against our TV screens in October. Jessica Lange already said that AHS: Freak Show may be her last, so there’s a chance she will not be back for season 5. No, Jessica Lange and all CaCa? That means there will be 10,000% more musical numbers. That IS a horror story. I am all for this idea if Connie Sellecca recreates her role as Christine from Hotel for this shit.
Here’s the announcement that CaCa made using a leftover costume from her Fame Monster days:
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) February 25, 2015
If Ryan Murphy really wants to make the most terrifying AHS of all-time, he’d scrap the hotel idea and do American Horror Story: Mentions instead. All he has to do is talk shit about Lady Gaga on Twitter and film his mentions in real-time. There’s nothing scarier than watching the batshit Little Monsters spew death threats and craziness on Twitter.
Greta Gerwig Is Probably Going To Play An Adult Wiener-Dog In A Follow-Up To “Welcome To The Dollhouse”
I’ve watched all of Todd Solondz’s fucked-up, weird movies (Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes, Dark Horse, etc…) several times, but the one that speaks to my soul the most is 1995′s Welcome to the Dollhouse, because it perfectly sums up how awful, awkward and shitty junior high school is. In that ode to 90s preteen awkwardness, Heather Matarazzo played Dawn Wiener, a fashion forward, nerdy 7th grader who’s constantly bullied at school and has a home life that is just as crappy. In Palindromes (SPOILER ALERT), we learn that Dawn Wiener offed herself in college. IMDB says that Todd Solondz wanted Heather Matarazzo to play Dawn again in Palindromes, but she told him, “Drop dead, lesbo.” No, but she didn’t want to play Wiener-Dog anymore for some reason, which makes no sense to me, because why wouldn’t she want to put on that white nutsack hair ponytail again?
The Hollywood Reporter says that Todd is working on another Welcome to the Dollhouse follow-up called Wiener-Dog and indie actress Greta Gerwig, who was in Frances Ha and To Rome With Love, is in talks to play grown up Dawn Wiener. Todd is also talking to Julie Delpy about taking a role. THR explains Wiener-Dog’s plot like this:
The script tells several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy.
What I’m getting from that HIGHLY detailed plot line is that after Dawn Wiener killed herself, she was reincarnated into an actual wiener dog. They better cast a wiener dog who can work the hell out of a ruffled clown blouse and who will keep the Special People’s Club alive.
What I really want to know is, who in the hell is going to play Dawn’s only friend Ralphie?
Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs kind of looks like Ralphie, so my vote for the grown up Ralphie is Glenn Close in her Albert Nobbs drag.
It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.
Douche of all trades, James Franco, was at the Venice Film Festival today for the premiere of the movie he directed and stars in, The Sound of the Fury (yes, based on William Faulkner’s novel), and he used his time on the red carpet to also shoot scenes for another movie he’s directing and starring in called Zeroville. For his role in Zeroville, James did what my genius stoner cousin did when he found out his job was drug testing him (read: shaved his head. But they ended up making my cousin piss in a cup instead. FOILED!) and he got a fake Elizabeth Taylor & Montgomery Clift tattoo painted onto the back of his head.
James told reporters that Zeroville is based on a novel about a messy architecture student who drops everything and moves to Hollywood in the 1960s to get into the movie game. The dude is so affected by Hollywood that he gets a still from his favorite movie, A Place In The Sun, inked into his dome. James will tell you that he decided to do the project, because as a cinematic artiste and independent film icon, he wanted to explore the complex time in Hollywood when the studio system was crumbling. But you know his ass only did it, because he wanted to get that fake tattoo on his head, so he could post about it on Instagram.
James Franco as his Zeroville character looks like an Otter Pop version of Tom Hardy as Bronson. He also look like Lex Luxor if Lex Luthor starred in a Ray Donovan reboot for LOGO. What I’m trying to say is that this is the hottest James Franco has ever looked.
As for that tattoo, that tattoo doesn’t really look like Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift to me. It looks like a young Ben Affleck giving a reach-around breast exam to Twenty Foreplay era Janet Jackson. In other words, that tattoo IS the look.
This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.
When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:
“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.’”
Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic. Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.
The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo
File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.”
Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.
Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.
And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:
Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?
If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.
Two days after Zack Snyder made the tips of tongues go hard by twatting out a picture of Batfleck’s juicy, hairy bubble butt chin, he made the nerds shoot a panty pudding geyser out of their assholes by showing the first picture of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman at Comic-Con in San Diego this morning. Wonder Woman’s looking like she put on some hot hooker boots she bought on Hollywood Blvd and slipped on a re-purposed Xena costume she got on clearance the day after Halloween at Party City to pose for an Instagram picture on the set of 300. When I first saw the words “Gal Gadot in Full Wonder Woman Costume” on my RSS feed, I braced my eyeballs for the worst, because I really thought Wonder Woman was going to look like a Wonder Mess. Maybe it’s because I was expecting the worst, but this isn’t that bad. Yes, she sort of does look like she’s doing lazy Xena cosplay and little skinny arms tell me that she must be the midget of the Amazons, but anything is better than the American Apparel stripper Wonder Woman that NBC gave us 3 years ago. Click here to see that shit in Hi-Res.
I do have something serious to bitch about, though. THAT HAIR! Bitch looks like she got up, squirted some leave-in conditioner in her hair and left the house. That is some “Monday morning letting my hair air dry while driving to work” hair. Wonder Woman does not have flat hair. Why would Wonder Woman ever have flat, basic hair when she can easily twirl some body into it? The Wonder Woman I know and love would never fight crime without her hair looking styled, set and sprayed. My feelings about Wonder Woman’s hair in that picture are best expressed through Lynda Carter’s side-eye that can penetrate through any gold cuff.
With all that being said, Slut-O-Ween 2016 can’t come soon enough, because I can’t wait to see all the drunk messes stumbling around the streets and bars while wearing the brown plastic version of the new Wonder Woman costume they bought at Rite-Aid.
On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.
Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting, Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.
Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”
Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.
And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas