The last Bridget Jones’ movie came out over 11 years ago, but because the “crying lonely tears on a log of raw cookie dough after a break-up” set will throw their money at a third movie, a third movie has been shot and the one-time master squinter formerly known as Squinty Zellweger debuted the first trailer on Ellen today. As anyone who has been following this shit knows, they threw out the plot of the third Bridget Jones book and did a new story based on the columns that author Helen Fielding wrote for The Independent in 2005.
In Bridget Jones’s Baby, Bridget is still an awkward klutz, but now she’s a 40-year-old awkward klutz who is knocked up with a Maury baby. Bridget doesn’t know if the dude who raw-dogged a baby into her womb is her ex-husband (yeah ex) Mark Darcy or a hot billionaire piece played by Patrick Dempsey. Bridget tells both of them that they’re the father and HIJINKS (including HIJINKS involving Dr. Emma Thompson) ensue! I know, Bridget Jones really needs a shameless gold digger friend in her life to advise her that she needs to tell Patrick Dempsey that he’s really the father, and if the baby comes out looking like Darcy in the face, take the baby on a long-visit to her mom’s house (read: take the baby to get back alley plastic surgery to look like Patrick Dempsey in the face). Heather Mills would’ve played the role of the gold digger friend flawlessly. What a missed opportunity!
And I’m really surprised that the UK hasn’t announced that they’re experiencing a Vaseline shortage, because it’s obvious that every jar was smeared on all of the camera lenses while making this.
When you think of Tonya Harding’s face, you immediately think of Margot Robbie’s face, so it makes complete sense that she’s playing Nancy Kerrigan’s one-time arch rival in a movie. And by “makes complete sense” I mean doesn’t make sense.
Margot Robbie obviously opened up Charlize Theron’s handbook “How To Easily Win An Oscar When You’re A Gorgeous Woman” to the first and only page and took its advice when she read, “Step 1: Homely it up, bitch. The end.” Because Deadline says that 25-year-old Margot Robbie will produce and star in a movie about the trials and tribulations of Tonya Harding. Oscar fever is real and Margot probably caught it from Leonardo DiCatchAHo, which means that we shouldn’t be too surprised when Deadline announces that the bear from The Revenant is starring in a dark and serious biopic about the life of Smokey the Bear.
For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.
After that Snapchat picture of Jared Leto was burned onto the wall of your nightmares and those pictures of him looking like Powder’s sad raver brother made the rounds, Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer finally twatted up a picture of the Joker in all his Joker glory. Get into his Sharpie tattoos and pimple nips.
This shit is very “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”
Bitch looks like the trailer park’s resident meth head who is also in Fort Myers, FL’s 6th most popular Marilyn Manson cover band and is known at the Gathering of the Juggalos as the crackhead who butt fucked himself with a 2 ounce plastic Fagyo bottle as a dare. He also looks like Hot Topic’s answer to that Die Antwoord dude. If you want to get as far away from Heath Ledger’s Joker as possible, this is one way to go. The only thing I have to say is that anyone who gets with this joker is a brave bitch, because he’ll give you metal poisoning of the pussy or ass if he munches on your down low parts. You know how it feels all wrong when you accidentally chew on foil? I wonder if it feels that same way when foil teeth chew on you?
That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:
“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”
“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”
Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.
Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.
This does make sense since bitch already has the costumes, makeup, eyebrow wigs, etc….
Both FX and Lady CaCa announced today that she will star in the fifth season of American Horror Story (not to be confused with American Whorror Story starring the Kardashians on E!). This is kind of shocking, because based on Shonda Rhimes’ glowing review of CaCa’s Oscar performance, you’d think she’d make her television acting debut in Scandal. Actually, I shouldn’t say “television acting debut,” because she did play the pivotal role of “girl at swimming pool #2” in an episode of The Sopranos.
The fifth season is titled American Horror Story: Hotel and it’s rumored that it’ll take place in Nevada. That mess will start shooting in July and splatter against our TV screens in October. Jessica Lange already said that AHS: Freak Show may be her last, so there’s a chance she will not be back for season 5. No, Jessica Lange and all CaCa? That means there will be 10,000% more musical numbers. That IS a horror story. I am all for this idea if Connie Sellecca recreates her role as Christine from Hotel for this shit.
Here’s the announcement that CaCa made using a leftover costume from her Fame Monster days:
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) February 25, 2015
If Ryan Murphy really wants to make the most terrifying AHS of all-time, he’d scrap the hotel idea and do American Horror Story: Mentions instead. All he has to do is talk shit about Lady Gaga on Twitter and film his mentions in real-time. There’s nothing scarier than watching the batshit Little Monsters spew death threats and craziness on Twitter.
Greta Gerwig Is Probably Going To Play An Adult Wiener-Dog In A Follow-Up To “Welcome To The Dollhouse”
I’ve watched all of Todd Solondz’s fucked-up, weird movies (Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes, Dark Horse, etc…) several times, but the one that speaks to my soul the most is 1995’s Welcome to the Dollhouse, because it perfectly sums up how awful, awkward and shitty junior high school is. In that ode to 90s preteen awkwardness, Heather Matarazzo played Dawn Wiener, a fashion forward, nerdy 7th grader who’s constantly bullied at school and has a home life that is just as crappy. In Palindromes (SPOILER ALERT), we learn that Dawn Wiener offed herself in college. IMDB says that Todd Solondz wanted Heather Matarazzo to play Dawn again in Palindromes, but she told him, “Drop dead, lesbo.” No, but she didn’t want to play Wiener-Dog anymore for some reason, which makes no sense to me, because why wouldn’t she want to put on that white nutsack hair ponytail again?
The Hollywood Reporter says that Todd is working on another Welcome to the Dollhouse follow-up called Wiener-Dog and indie actress Greta Gerwig, who was in Frances Ha and To Rome With Love, is in talks to play grown up Dawn Wiener. Todd is also talking to Julie Delpy about taking a role. THR explains Wiener-Dog’s plot like this:
The script tells several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy.
What I’m getting from that HIGHLY detailed plot line is that after Dawn Wiener killed herself, she was reincarnated into an actual wiener dog. They better cast a wiener dog who can work the hell out of a ruffled clown blouse and who will keep the Special People’s Club alive.
What I really want to know is, who in the hell is going to play Dawn’s only friend Ralphie?
Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs kind of looks like Ralphie, so my vote for the grown up Ralphie is Glenn Close in her Albert Nobbs drag.
It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.
Douche of all trades, James Franco, was at the Venice Film Festival today for the premiere of the movie he directed and stars in, The Sound of the Fury (yes, based on William Faulkner’s novel), and he used his time on the red carpet to also shoot scenes for another movie he’s directing and starring in called Zeroville. For his role in Zeroville, James did what my genius stoner cousin did when he found out his job was drug testing him (read: shaved his head. But they ended up making my cousin piss in a cup instead. FOILED!) and he got a fake Elizabeth Taylor & Montgomery Clift tattoo painted onto the back of his head.
James told reporters that Zeroville is based on a novel about a messy architecture student who drops everything and moves to Hollywood in the 1960s to get into the movie game. The dude is so affected by Hollywood that he gets a still from his favorite movie, A Place In The Sun, inked into his dome. James will tell you that he decided to do the project, because as a cinematic artiste and independent film icon, he wanted to explore the complex time in Hollywood when the studio system was crumbling. But you know his ass only did it, because he wanted to get that fake tattoo on his head, so he could post about it on Instagram.
James Franco as his Zeroville character looks like an Otter Pop version of Tom Hardy as Bronson. He also look like Lex Luxor if Lex Luthor starred in a Ray Donovan reboot for LOGO. What I’m trying to say is that this is the hottest James Franco has ever looked.
As for that tattoo, that tattoo doesn’t really look like Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift to me. It looks like a young Ben Affleck giving a reach-around breast exam to Twenty Foreplay era Janet Jackson. In other words, that tattoo IS the look.
This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.
When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:
“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.'”
Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic. Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.