So About That Emmy Awards Show Proposal…. 

September 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Since bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I truly let out an, “Oh my fucking GOD no!“, while watching last night’s Emmys when I realized that a live wedding proposal was about to go down. And also because bitterness and cynicism are the not-so-secret ingredients that keep the frostbitten bag of rotten vulture gizzards I call a heart nice and frozen, I screamed, “Please let her say NO,” right after. But she didn’t, and the icy turd in my chest may or may not have melted a little when she said yes. DAMMIT! I hate feeling things.

Director Glenn Weiss won the Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special for directing the Oscars, and when he got up on stage, he did the usual: gave a shot out to his kids and thanked the people he works with. Then he talked about his mom, who died only two weeks ago, and that’s when he started planting the seeds for the sickly blossom of love that bloomed when he asked his girlfriend Jan to be his wife.

“Mom always believed in finding the sunshine in things and she adored my girlfriend Jan. Jan, you are the sunshine in my life, and mom was right, don’t let go of your sunshine. You wonder why I don’t want to call you my girlfriend? Because I want to call you my wife.”

If I was Jan, I’d head for the exit while thinking, “Wait, you direct the fucking OSCARS and yet you propose to me in front of TV people at the fucking Emmys? Cheap!” But Jan seemed to love it because she got on stage. Glenn gave her the ring his dad gave his mom, and also let his siblings know he didn’t steal it from their mom’s body.

Public proposals usually give me the heaves, but since they’re not-famous and it was genuine, this one was sort of sweet.

Leslie Jones let her future fiancé know that he better propose to her at the Emmys (Note to Leslie Jones’ future fiancé: Please don’t propose to her at the Emmys. We only need one Emmy proposal in our lifetimes.)

Glenn and Jill Zarin’s long-lost prettier, younger, and more likable sister Jan (no, she’s not Jill Zarin’s sister) talked to reporters backstage, and said they met in 2011 while they were both working the Tony Awards. Glenn said that Jan Svendsen and his mom were friends and bonded at the Tonys. As for what he was going to do if he didn’t win the Emmy last night, Glenn said he didn’t really have a back-up plan but probably would’ve proposed over a Double Double.

“No. I suppose the ball, or In-N-Out Burger, which is like our staple after award shows.”

Surprisingly, Jan didn’t immediately give Glenn the ring back and call off their proposal after finding out that she could’ve gotten engaged at the most romantic and delicious place on earth, In-N-Out. But then again, getting engaged at the Emmys isn’t so bad because you get to flash your ring and make a, “Stay mad, trick,” face at the actors and actresses who are pissed that their speech time is probably going to get cut off.

And here’s to Glenn Weiss winning another Emmy next year for Outstanding Achievement In Injecting Some Excitement And Drama Into An Otherwise Boring Ass Emmys.


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