Almost a year and a half after they announced they were calling it quits on their marriage of 10 years, Summer Phoenix has finally filed papers to divorce Oscar-winning (alleged) sleazeball Casey Affleck. I wonder what took her so long? Maybe she was holding off to see if they could squeeze in one more ironically too cool American Gothic-looking public appearance.
People obtained the court documents yesterday, and they say Joaquin Phoenix’s little sister has requested joint physical and legal custody of their two children, Indiana and Atticus. She has also asked for spousal support. People also adds that Casey and Summer technically split in November 2015, but held off on announcing it until last year.
People doesn’t say what Summer wrote in the section marked “reason for divorce.” The most likely option is that she went with the most standard choice of irreconcilable differences. But my drama-loving self wants to believe she wrote: “Oh, I don’t know…hmmm…whatever do you think could be the reason?”
So Casey is going to be a divorced dude. On the downside, he won’t be able to live that newly divorced dad life with his brother Ben Affleck. You know, since he’s busy with his blonde rebound. On the upside, this divorce news means that Casey will finally be able to pursue his true love: Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder! Ew, not Vicki back then – that would be gross. I mean Casey could call up Ted Lawson and ask him to build an adult version of Vicki. She and Casey would make a great couple for a double-date with Casey’s BFF Joaquin. The boys could talk about the good ol’ disgusting times, and Vicki and Rooney Mara could gossip about robot stuff.
Cue up Haddaway and prepare your panties for the dropping! The Hollywood club scene better brace itself, because I’m guessing that if Ben Affleck gets his way, the Affleck Bros. are going to own that shit when they get out of a bright yellow Corvette and strut into Bootsy Bellows in matching backless tank tops to show off their panty cream-inducing mid-life crisis tattoos. Although, Casey Affleck won’t get a phoenix tattooed onto his back, because everyone will think he’s paying homage to his estranged wife. He’ll get like a really ~rad~ and ~awesome~ dragon instead.
InTouch Weekly was first to report, and People confirms, that 40-year-old Casey Affleck has joined his older brother in The Soon-To-Be-Divorced Club. Casey and his 37-year-old wife of 10 years, Summer Phoenix, have broken up. Casey’s rep gave this statement to People:
“Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have amicably separated. They remain very close friends.”
Casey and Summer have two sons, 11-year-old Indiana and 8-year-old Atticus. So Casey’s publicist really dropped the generic split-up statement ball. They forgot to add, “We remain committed to co-parenting our children and ask for privacy.” Dock their pay, Casey!
Casey and Summer’s brother Joaquin Phoenix became friends while doing To Die For together. Joaquin introduced Casey to Summer in 2000 and the two got married 6 years later.
A source tells InTouch that Casey and Summer tried to make it work in counseling, but couldn’t. The source adds that Summer has a lot of “trust issues.” Yeah, trust issues. Here we go again. Summer’s alleged “trust issues” makes me think that right now, their ex-nanny is calling all of the tabloids and is trying to get a brand new drop top Lexus in exchange for a shameless tell-all interview and poolside bikini pics. But since it’s Casey and not Ben, she’ll probably have to settle for a 2008 drop top Camry Solara in exchange for 5 tell-alls and naked pics.