Seen above letting out a post-poot laugh after dropping a pregnancy fart on her husband’s dick, Stacy Keibler birthed out the baby she made with the dude she rebounded with right after she lost her job as George Clooney’s award season escort. Being with George Clooney for so long made Stacy’s ovaries extra hungry so as soon as he pink-slipped her ass, she wrapped her vagine around the first raw dick she saw and humped it until a fetus checked into her womb. That raw dick she humped on belongs to her friend Jared Pobre. Stacy and Jared dated for three months before they made a baby together and they got married four months after that. Bitch took rebounding to the next level.
Stacy announced on her website today (via People) that she and her Mr. Peanut-looking ass husband, whose last name is a Spanish gold digger’s nightmare, are parents to a baby girl they named Ava Grace.
Jared and I have been blessed with the new love of our lives. Ava Grace Pobre was born at home on Wednesday, August 20th. We’ve never experienced a level of joy and happiness like this before! Thank you so much for all of the special wishes and positive energy.
Every time I go out in public, my friends and family refer to me as “you dumb bitch,” because the name fits and because I don’t respond to “Michael” when outside. What’s the point? Every trick is named Michael, so if I turned around every time I heard my name I’d wear out my neck muscles. Since 98% of the American population will name or has named their daughter Ava, Ava Grace Poor will soon know my pain.
Stacy says that she’s never experienced a level of “happines like this before,” but I don’t know if I’d use the word “happiness.” She should’ve used the word “awkward.” Because it was probably really weird when Baby Ava started to come out of Stacy’s body and Stacy grabbed her head while shouting, “Not today! Not today! Clooney doesn’t get married until September. You’re a month early. How am I going to steal his thunder now? Get the hell back in there!”
Ah, Magic Middles. Nothing takes you back to the food fuckery of the 90s like a fudge-packed cookie baked by tree-dwelling elves. But that’s not what’s important here (wrong; fudge-filled foods are always the most important). What matters is that former show pony of George Clooney Stables, Stacy Keibler, is knocked up with a bebeh!!! Do you hear that? That’s the sound the WWE firing off their celebratory t-shirt cannons to congratulate one of their own.
After rushing to the altar to marry her piece of 7 months, Jared Pobre, and making sure her best angle was anything but her baby maker in her wedding photos, it was pretty obvious that something in the titty leche wasn’t clean. So Stacy didn’t exactly surprise anyone when she uploaded a picture of a bun in an oven to Instragram and announced that she’s pargnunt. But the food-obsessed golden retriever in me could give a shit about the baby news, because I’m too busy trying to figure out what kind of bun that is. Is it an onion bun? It looks like it could also be a raisin brioche. Ugh, it’s too hard to tell because it’s so small! Stacy, I need a better picture of the bun. Please send it to email@example.com, and if you can, please also send the bun.
It seems like 2014 is turning into the Year of the Diaper, so let’s all place bets on who will be next to join Stacy Keibler, Mila Kunis, ScarJo, and Xtina in the VIP section of Club Le Fetus. My money is on a Duggar (duh – always put your money on the Duggar).
You know how when you’re told you can’t have something and then when you finally get it in front of you, you gobble all of it up? (“Why are all of you bitches looking at me?” said Jessica Simpson with half of Outback’s menu smeared all over her mouth the day her Weight Watchers contract ends) I think that’s what happened to Stacy Keibler. While she was George Clooney’s contracted awards season escort, she couldn’t say the word “marriage” without one of his assistants tasering her in the head and if she so much as awwww’d at a baby in his presence, he’d write her up for insubordination. So now that she’s no longer under contract with Clooney, bitch is going all out.
Stacy married businessman type Jared Pobre (the monocle-less Mr. Peanut above) on a beach in Mexico last week after knowing him for 5 years and dating him for around 7 months. Page Six says that Stacy’s wedding march was probably the sound of a shotgun firing into the air, because a baby is growing in her body. Page Six says that if you look at the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Stacy’s wedding in People, you’ll notice that she’s hiding her growing fetus bubble in most of them.
Pictures of their nuptuals appear in this week’s People magazine, with no mention of the pregnancy. The photos for the People spread are carefully posed, apart from one picture on the contents page which reveals a sizeable bump.
So I guess one of the side effects of being in a “no marriage, no babies” contract relationship with George Clooney is after that contract ends you may rip off all your clothes, lube up your cooch, jump on the first piece available and bareback hump on him until a fetus puts a NO VACANCY sign on your womb. Good for Stacy, I guess, and good for Jared Poor and good for the baby whose name I’m guessing will be Suckit Clooney Pobre.
Pic: People (DUH)
I’ll wait here as you rinse away the class that oozed out of that picture and splashed onto your eyeballs. That looks like one of the rejected ideas for the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
Around this time last year, the word “marriage” wasn’t allowed to leap off of Stacy Keibler’s tongue and if she happened to accidentally burp it out during a conversation, George Clooney’s HR department would write her up and 5% was deducted from her future exit settlement. Well, 8 months after George Clooney’s ho wrangler let her know that her services as his award season escort were no longer needed, Stacy did the “m” word in Mexico. Stacy tells People that yesterday in Mexico, she did the thing that George Clooney will probably never do again. Actually, she did two things George Clooney will probably never do again. She got married and she fucked someone her own age. 34-year-old Stacy married 39-year-old California businessman Jared Pobre (Spanish to English translation: Jared Poor) after knowing his ass for 5 years and dating his ass for 6 or 7 months. Stacy released this dry heave-inducing sticky sweet statement which reads like it was put together using words found inside of anniversary greeting cards at Target.
“My happiness is indescribable! Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be. Jared is all of this for me.
We both felt strongly that our ‘love day’ should be intimately special, and that’s exactly what it was. It was a blend of romance, tranquility, natural beauty, bonding and overwhelming love.”
If I ever need to barf out of my eye sockets, I’ll just read that statement again.
Marrying a trick after boning full-time for only 6 months summons a side-eye out of me, but Stacy could’ve done worse. Despite his last name, dude is rich and he looks like he could win second place in a David Bromstad look-alike contest. So get that Color Splash dick and get that money, Stacy.
And I guess this means that Stacy can officially leave George Clooney’s House for Wayward Hos. Sarah Larson and Elisabetta Canalis will pour one out (read: pour a body shot on their stomach and let a frat boy slurp it up) for you, Stacy.
In “information you really needed in your brain” news, a source tells UsWeekly that in the months before they decided to end their contract, George Clooney and Stacy Keibler barely saw each other in person and didn’t wet hump on each other once. The source is either Stacy Keibler’s publicist or George Clooney’s dick has been drunkenly blabbing to the tabloids again. It’s totally the latter. The source put it like this:
“They hadn’t had sex in months. He’s been in Europe, and she’s in L.A., and they haven’t seen each other in a long time. Some girls would be okay with that and just be happy dating George, but not her. She knew he wasn’t looking to get married. But there was always that fantasy that he would commit. Sadly, it just ran its course.”
TMZ says that Stacy and George broke up over the phone, because he’s in Germany shooting a movie for the next 5 months and she’s in L.A. shooting the soon-to-be Emmy sweeper Supermarket Superstar. They both decided that they couldn’t go for another five months of doing other people while pretending to be together, so they broke up for real.
The funny thing is, George Clooney is chronically allergic to married life and yet for the past few months he and Stacy have been acting like an old ass married couple. They haven’t been fucking, they barely see each other and they only saw each other to keep up appearances. They were practically married! So the joke’s on Clooney! Stacy really got his ass.
I sort of shrugged and let out a “meh” yesterday when The Sunday People said that George Clooney had laid off his current red carpet ho, because whenever there’s a rumor that he and Stacy Keibler are done, they magically appear hand-in-hand in front of a pap’s camera. But the voice of the publicist, People, is saying that after one contract extension, George has decided to not renew Stacy’s contract again.
People’s source says that Stacy’s actually the one who ended things, because she (brace yourself for the shock of your life) wants to be (insert the word that George is allergic to here) with chirruns and knows that his idea of being a father is bong-feeding his little brother Brad Pitt while cradling him in his arms. People’s source put it like this:
“Stacy called it quits. She wants to have children and a family someday. She knows where George stands on that. They talked and they quietly stopped being a couple several weeks ago. They talk every day. They were friends before they started dating and they’ll be friends after. It was a friendly [breakup].”
My Sunday night ended the way all my Sunday nights end: I drunkenly passed out on my bed while watching HGTV as my chihuahua lay next to me, farting himself to sleep because he ate all the cookie crumbs that were on my shirt. So George Clooney’s relationships are just like my Sunday nights. They ALWAYS end the same. At least we can never accuse George’s ass of being unpredictable.
Stacy should be proud of herself. She had a record-breaking run and achieved the impossible. When everybody said that she wouldn’t last more than one award season, she did it! When everybody said that George Clooney would never keep one of his leased pieces around for two years, she proved them wrong! She achieved! She’s like the Martin Luther King Jr. of Clooney hos.