I’ll wait here as you rinse away the class that oozed out of that picture and splashed onto your eyeballs. That looks like one of the rejected ideas for the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
Around this time last year, the word “marriage” wasn’t allowed to leap off of Stacy Keibler’s tongue and if she happened to accidentally burp it out during a conversation, George Clooney’s HR department would write her up and 5% was deducted from her future exit settlement. Well, 8 months after George Clooney’s ho wrangler let her know that her services as his award season escort were no longer needed, Stacy did the “m” word in Mexico. Stacy tells People that yesterday in Mexico, she did the thing that George Clooney will probably never do again. Actually, she did two things George Clooney will probably never do again. She got married and she fucked someone her own age. 34-year-old Stacy married 39-year-old California businessman Jared Pobre (Spanish to English translation: Jared Poor) after knowing his ass for 5 years and dating his ass for 6 or 7 months. Stacy released this dry heave-inducing sticky sweet statement which reads like it was put together using words found inside of anniversary greeting cards at Target.
“My happiness is indescribable! Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be. Jared is all of this for me.
We both felt strongly that our ‘love day’ should be intimately special, and that’s exactly what it was. It was a blend of romance, tranquility, natural beauty, bonding and overwhelming love.”
If I ever need to barf out of my eye sockets, I’ll just read that statement again.
Marrying a trick after boning full-time for only 6 months summons a side-eye out of me, but Stacy could’ve done worse. Despite his last name, dude is rich and he looks like he could win second place in a David Bromstad look-alike contest. So get that Color Splash dick and get that money, Stacy.
And I guess this means that Stacy can officially leave George Clooney’s House for Wayward Hos. Sarah Larson and Elisabetta Canalis will pour one out (read: pour a body shot on their stomach and let a frat boy slurp it up) for you, Stacy.