I take back what I said about the video of the Twisted Sisters being the 8th color of the rainbow. THIS is the 8th color of the rainbow. Shit, this IS the rainbow and I’m sure every Claymate is tasting that rainbow by licking the screen.
Here’s the number one reason “How do I get dried coochie cream out of mom jeans?” is the most searched question on Google amongst the Claymates this week. Clay Aiken is twirling and spinning and putting ginger-flavored sugar on your eyes in this promo picture for Ogunquit Playhouse’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That’s not a recycled Sears Portrait Studio background behind clay, those are the stars and crystals that spray out of his ginger flower when he spins and twirls in a rainbow coat. Make whores moist by working that wig and those Joan Crawford brows, Clay.
My credit card is so confused. It doesn’t know if it wants to use itself to buy a plane ticket to Maine to see Clay in this glittery extravagaynza, the Golden Girls dollhouse or Amanda Palmer’s used glass dildo?
via WOW Report
In a spread for Flaunt that is giving me flashbacks of ANTM’s bald and bedazzled shoot, Beyonce is covered in TONS OF FUCKING
SEQUINS GLITTER and is farting out unicorn dust. Thanks to all that glitter and that bald head, she looks like the excited clit on a butterly unicorn sticker or like one of Liberace’s overused Q-tips or like Mimi’s favorite dildo. I’m really into this, but that’s only because my eyes get hungry for sparkly things. I’m the sparkle lover who got sent home from school early for pouring all the jars of glitter on the floor while making a cigar box and pasta shell jooree container for my mom. I’m such a cliche, I know.
Flaunt also did a Q&A with Beyonce and for some reason they asked her what her favorite stain is. Beyonce said, “Milk.” MILK! I know she’s trying to sound like she’s embracing all the joys of motherhood (BLAH BLAH BLAH) with that answer, but since my brain is a trash dump I pictured something else. Beyonce saying “milk” is her favorite stain made me think of camel milk, which made me think of Jay-Z, which made me think of Jizz-Z, which made me need to excuse myself . I don’t need those thoughts today.
The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization’s crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole’ stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile’s tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!
6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt’s foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I’ll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.
There are so many eloquent quotes from last night’s 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here’s just a few that I’m hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren’s grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.
“You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain’t the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it’s brand new.” – Mama June
“There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don’t see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There’s girls bigger than me and they’ve got them bikinis on that literally they eatin’ the bikini. Their body is just eatin’ it like SLURP!” – Mama June
“If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they’re healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect.” – Mama June
“There’s a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it.” – Mama June
“That’s a girl name, Glitzy. We’re going to make it a girl pig, so he’s going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we’re making it a girl pig and it’s a boy pig.” – Honey Boo Boo Chile
“It’s called a ‘biscuit’ cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um…. You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it’s cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee’s or something, you can…” – Mama June
And if you pull up to a Hardee’s every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June’s “biscuit” when you bite into that.
Organic beauty collided with natural glamour at the Rockit Masquerade Ball at XL in NYC last night when the world’s first supermess Janice Dickinson touched her collagen-filled labia lips next to fully functional mannequin goddess Amanda Lepore. Janice Dickinson is this generation’s Jane Russell and Amanda Lepore is this generation’s Marilyn Monroe (sorry, LiLo) and so if you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes through a crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see. Or is if it you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes while high on crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see? I get confused.
The heat from the lights threatened to turn Janice and Mandy into one giant puddle of melted beef jerky, silicone, liquified porcelain, red rubber and candle wax, but they kept thrusting because the show must always go on.
If you want to know what a Jell-O mold looks like in heaven, get on this NSFWBWAYWAAPTFUGBLT (Not Safe For Work But Why Are You Working At A Place That Frowns Upon Glorious Beauty Like This) link to see Mandy’s exquisitely sculpted chest domes.
Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle’s CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology’s flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild’s remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.
When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:
Meet Marc Martel, a Canadian singer who is causing the Internet to declare today the new Easter since Freddie Mercury has obviously resurrected and is now living inside of Marc’s body. Marc sang out “Somebody to Love” in his video audition for the chance to sing in Queen’s 40th anniversary tour. I refuse to dramatically hurl myself onto that bandwagon until Marc brings more stache, bulge, overbite, bulge and bulge to his performance. And this also needs less microphone that I thought was a blow dryer. And more bulge.