Category: Playboy Crap
The Woman Who Dani Mathers Body-Shamed On Snapchat Has Come Forward
A couple of months ago, Allison brought us the tale of the bunny shit-brained Playboy Playmate named Dani Mathers who thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of a naked lady in the locker room of her gym and put it on Snapchat with the note, “If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either.” The only thing I couldn’t unsee is that dumb fuck move. The lady had no idea that Dani took her picture, and Dani later mouth sharted out some dingle about how it was an “accident” and supposed to be a joke between friends. That little joke got Dani Mathers banned from all L.A. Fitness locations and she was pink-slipped from her radio job. The police also opened up an investigation against her. It is such a big mess that not enough Hugh Hefner’s former clean-up supervisor Holly Madison can clean it up. And it may get worse for Dum Dum Dani, because the lady whose naked body was made fun of has been tracked down by the cops and she wants that evil bunny bitch to pay!
The Playboy Mansion Is Officially Owned By Someone Other Than Hugh Hefner
The Los Angeles Times says that after being on the market for seven months, the Playboy Mansion has been sold for $100 million. The romantic in me was hoping that Hugh Hefner would sell it to a bunny with big dreams and a piggy bank full of crumpled-up singles, but the truth is a lot less cute than that. It was bought by a 33-year-old son of a billionaire named Darren Metropoulos who owns an investment company that co-owns brands like Hostess, Chef Boyardee, and Duncan Hines. There were rumors that Darren’s deal to buy the place fell apart, but that didn’t happen, and now he owns the Playboy Mansion. Do I smell some kind of creative tie-in with Chef Boyardee? Playboy Bunny-shaped pasta and questionable meatballs in a creamy alfredo sauce.
Darren won’t actually be able to move in anytime soon. Hugh Hefner has lived at the Playboy Mansion for 45 years, and according to a stipulation in the sale, he’s allowed to live there for the rest of his life. Playboy Enterprises will pay $1 million a year to lease the property from Billionaire Darren.
$100 million may seem like a whole lot of money for a home that you can’t live in until the current tenant dies, is covered in wood-paneling, and comes with a lawn covered in peacock poop. But compared to the asking price, it was a steal. The Playboy Mansion was originally listed at $200 million. $100 million is also the biggest home sale recorded in Los Angeles history. To put it into perspective, Spelling Manor sold for $85 million. But really, the money is irrelevant. I mean, how can you put a price on the smell of old man, sun-baked silicone, Viagra, peroxide, hair extension glue, and clean-up rags?
Pic: E!
Pamela Anderson’s Naked Body Will Be One Of The Last Naked Bodies In Playboy
This is obligatory: CHARO WAS ROBBED!
Playboy announced two months ago that the end of a Photoshopped lady crotch era was upon us, because they made the decision to stop putting naked chicks in their magazine. The January/February 2016 issue of Playboy will be the last issue that will give eyeballs a serving of twat that’s been Photoshopped so much it looks like a silicone mini oven mitt. Of course, since Pamela Anderson’s naked body has been inside of Playboy the most times (14 covers and 15 spreads), they asked her to be on the cover of the final all-nudie issue. 48-year-old Pamela tells Entertainment Tonight that Hugh Hefner’s lawyer called her and said that there’s only one beauty they want for the cover and it’s Charo, but since Charo said no, they were willing to settle for her ass.
The Canadian-American rose (who is giving me porn parody Harley Quinn on that cover) said a while ago that her sons were teased in school because their mom’s nipples and poon are all over the Internet. So she asked them if she should do Playboy again. Her sons, 19-year-old Brandon and 17-year-old Dylan, both told her to do it:
“I said, ‘Hef just called, he wants me to do the last cover of Playboy,’ and [Brandon] goes, ‘Mom you’ve got to do it. We’re older, we’re not embarrassed anymore of you. You know, we think you’re great.’ He was so excited. He may have high-fived me!
And then I asked Dylan too, and Dylan’s like, ‘Mom, you know you’ve done it all.’ I don’t know what to say but they were really excited for me, and I was excited too.”
I love Dylan’s response. It’s like he shrugged and said, “The entire world has seen dad’s dick go into your vagina, so what’s another few pictures of your naked body?”
The pictures were taken by Ellen von Unwerth and the interview was done by actor/performance artist/journalist/author/director/mind of our generation James Franco.
Playboy wouldn’t be Playboy if they didn’t Photoshop Pamela’s new pictures to infinity and beyond, but while they were at it, they should’ve added a few sparkles of life in Hugh Hefner’s eyes. He kind of looks like a taxidermied turtle. Although, maybe “the pimp tortoise and the trampy hare” is what they were going for in that picture. Art!
Pics: Ellen von Unwerth/Playboy
At Least We’ll Always Have The Naked 90s Elegance Of The Barbi Twins
Playboy really should’ve shut down after this issue, because it was never able to reach this level of refined sophistication again.
Last night, The New York Times reported some sad news for everyone who christened their fapping hand by doing themselves for the first time while looking at a Playboy they stole from their dad or brother. (Side note: I don’t know if JcPenney makes those huge catalogs anymore, but if they do and they still have a dude underwear section in it, I’ll be extra sad if they ever get rid of it. That was my first fap material.) Playboy announced that after decades of showing chichis and chocha, they are no longer going to put naked women in their magazine. This news made half of the Internet shrug since lady nipples are a click away and made the other half of the Internet Google “What is a magazine?”
Hef’s Teen Sons Talk About Monkeys
Hugh Hefner’s sons Marston, 18, and Cooper, 17, gave an interview to Playboy about everything from having multiple girlfriends to taking over the family business to monkeys. Marston and Cooper’s mother is former Playboy Playmate Kimberly Conrad. They live with their mommy in a house on the grounds of the Playboy estate.
Before we get into that shit, why do they look like the broken condom babies of Hef and Shaggy from Scooby Doo? They are like sooooo long. I wonder if they are long down….forget it. Chris Hansen won’t get me! And my abuelita is probably fucking pissed because Marston is wearing her favorite Christmas party outfit. That’s seriously a memaw party ensemble.
Anyway, here are there thoughts on a bunch of shit. You can just skip on down to the part about monkeys if your eyes don’t feel like glazing over all this crap. The monkey bit sums it all up for me:
On dating multiple hos at the same time:
Marston: “I’m not going to have multiple girlfriends — not at the same time.”
Cooper: “I can imagine doing that. I don’t think it’s an odd thing to do. You date around to try to find a connection with some girl.”On running the family business:
Cooper: “If I were to take over the company or have a say in what’s going on, I’d want the girls to be presented more as they were in the pictorials back in the 1950s and 1960s -— kind of artsy, classy. I would like to bring back that retro-class feel.”
On growing up in the Playboy mansion:
Cooper: “They don’t get it when you say, ‘There’s nothing to do there.’But when you live here and come here every single day, you see the same things. Anybody else would be like, ‘Let’s go see monkeys!’ But I don’t want to see monkeys. I’d rather go bowling than play with monkeys.”
Um. I’d rather go bowling WITH my pet monkey. Okay, I don’t know that that means exactly, but it sounds kind of sexy. And I’m sure Cooper isn’t really talking about real monkeys or bowling. He’s talking about some dirty sex shit.
And it’s a good thing Hef’s spermies have retired, because if he had another son, he’d name it Mr. Belvedere or some shit. With Marston and Cooper, he’s already proven that he likes to give his kids butler names.