Lindsey Vonn Is Still Trying To Make Fetch Happen In The Form Of Tiger Woods

In her latest attempt to make the public forget what a mess Tiger Woods can be, Lindsey Vonn trotted herself out onto Katie Couric’s stage (via USWeekly) in her latest bid to convince people Tiger is a low-key, likable guy.

“He’s funny,” Vonn says of Woods with a big smile. “He’s really laid-back. He’s a great guy. He’s always making jokes… very competitive, just like me.”

“We have very similar personalities,” she further explains, “but if there’s one thing I could say: he’s funny. He’s goofy, like dorky goofy.”

“Really?! I don’t know, you just don’t think of Tiger Woods as kind of dorky,” Couric says in disbelief. “He seems like such a cool costumer [sic].”

Vonn jokingly adds, “He’s probably not going to be that excited that I just said that.”

So… he’s competitive and is going to be pissed you called him goofy and  dorky. Sounds totally laid-back to me! I’m not sure what brand of Delusion Juice Lindsey has been drinking, but these two were ridiculous from the get-go, beginning with their Sears portrait studio head shots, with most of the head coming from her. If Tiger is truly always making jokes, there had better be some quality “So I Married An Axe Murderer” lines being thrown at her and that giant face.

I used to work at the same company as Tiger’s half-sister Royce before he hit it really big and she had a bunch of pictures of him hung up in her cubicle. Back then, I might have believed the “he’s just a regular guy” crap, but not after Elingate. No matter how convinced Lindsey is that she can sell him as a Tiger that can change his stick-his-dick-in-anything stripes, it’s just a matter of time before he gets this kind of drunk and starts thrusting on horrified women while singing, “If you like my penis a-lotta” (sorry, Rupert Holmes). He could turn to a life of stand up comedy and I’d still only be able to think of him as an uptight, dickbag golfer banging a waitress who is flying on Red Wings Airlines in a parking lot.

Tiger Woods Got Plastered At The Met Gala

Either Tiger Woods is tripping so hard that his eyeballs are trying to jump out of his body, or that dude behind him is giving him the shocker, or he got nervous while realizing that it’s been exactly 4 hours since he’s stuck his wandering peen into a trick who isn’t his girlfriend.

Awkward couple Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn went to the Met Gala together on Monday, because the real theme of the night was awkwardness (see: Kim and Kanye, Kristen Stewart and 90% of the dresses there), so they could be openly awkward among all the awkwardness. Tiger Woods somehow made it through the Met Gala without massaging his face against the ass cheeks of every cocktail server who walked by him. But UsWeekly says that at a Met Gala after-party at the Boom Boom Room in The Standard Hotel, Tiger got wonk-eyed drunk, fell on some stairs and embarrassed Lindsey Vonn.

Some witness type said that Tiger looked uncomfortable at the party and what do most people do when they’re uncomfortable at a party? Get plastered! Tiger drank the booze up and when it came time to leave, his drunk ass fell while walking up some stairs. Tiger Woods sat there for a second until Lindsey clenched her teeth, pulled him and helped him to the car.

Drunkenly falling on some stairs at a dumb party is the least embarrassing thing Tiger Woods has ever done. But I’m sure Lindsey Vonn always look embarrassed. That’s just what her face naturally looks like now. Your boyfriend calling you “Elin” during fuck times and your boyfriend coming home smelling like banana cream pie from Perkins and random snatch will cause your face to get stuck in the embarrassed position.