Paging PETA! Paging PETA! Come save this sad and tragic beast. And that horse needs your help too. I know you want to GONG me for that one, but you should really be using your hands to call the authorities on Katie Price’s ass!
Every time Katie Price takes a caca, she has to hold a photo call around it. She holds a photo call for every single thing she puts out and usually her photo calls lift me up to the heavens and beyond, but she has gone too far this time! Katie is starring in some TLC reality show called Katie Price’s Pony Club, and that might sound like some not right Equus shit. But it’s actually a show that follows Katie as she teaches two of her children, Junior and Princess Tiaamii, how to ride a horse. (Yes, even TLC in the UK is a leading purveyor of foolery.) Katie launched her newest reality shit show with a photo call starring herself, Junior, Princess TiaAndTamera, her latest husband, some other kids and a horse who didn’t sign up for that ridiculousness.
I am all for Katie Price doing herself up like some busted down whorse showgirl at a Brony-themed club who turns tricks in a stall for hay and sugar cubes, but I cannot condone what she’s done to that THOT (that horse over there). That poor horse didn’t ask to be done up like Swift Wind’s broke cousin named Slow Fart who got its clothes from a former child beauty queen’s yard sale and at a party store’s going out-of-business sale.
Where is an equine diarrhea attack when that horse really needed it? I would so not be mad at that horse if it made a shitty mess during that photo call. Although, I will say that horsey’s FML up-eye game should win all the blue ribbons.
Yesterday and this morning, my inbox, my Twitter timeline and my RSS feed were all filled with titles saying that Katie Price would have aborted earth angel Harvey Price if she knew about his disabilities before she had him. The OUTRAGE muscle that started growing in my brain the first minute I logged onto the Internet began to throb and I was about to rage at that toe-fucking evil heartless demon.
But then I did this bizarre thing called “read beyond the headline.” I know, I don’t know why I did that. What’s wrong with me?
Contrary to popular belief, Ronnie Wood’s 68-year-old dick doesn’t only bust out loads of dust and crack-infused moth balls nowadays. Ronnie’s sperm fish has still got it in them. The Sun (via NYDN) was the first to report that Ronnie’s wood knocked up his 37-year-old wife of 3 years Sally Humphries. A rep for the The Rolling Stones says it’s true and in a few months Sally will be wiping drool off of the faces of three people because she’s having twins. Ronnie and Sally are going to become parents to a pair of babies in June 2016.
No wonder the royal baby hasn’t checked out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale yet. The royal baby doesn’t want to come into a world where two of England’s most stunning and perfect swans are fighting.
It is a sad day in Britain, because the most gorgeous and elegant roses in its garden of beauty are spitting at each other. England’s finest rose Jodie Marsh is in the newest issue of Zoo Magazine (which is like Vogue but much more classier) and during the interview with the magazine she was asked about Katie Price downsizing those gigantic plastic titty balls. Jodie cut Katie to the white meat by saying that Harvey’s mother is nothing but a baby daddy-collecting slut hussy whore!
“Who? Oh year, her – the one who’s famous for having loads of different kids with different dads! I don’t care about Katie Price! Why do I care about how big her boobs are? I will get mine reduced at some point.”
Whatever happened to feminism?!
WHY, JODIE, WHY?!
Since Katie Price’s attention whore senses tingle whenever anybody mentions her name anywhere, she immediately found out about Jodie’s fightin’ words and slapped back hard on Twitter. I’m guessing that Katie Price was so mad that her hands went numb and she had to type her response with her clit, because she makes me look like I’ve got a PhD in grammar and spelling. Katie labeled Jodie as a £2 knock-off whose coochie is like a doggy bag because it’s had all of her leftovers in it. I thought it was traumatizing watching my mom and dad fight as a kid, but this is much more traumatizing.
This is like the Sophie’s Choice of fame whore feuds. I can’t pick a side. It’s impossible. When a slut slut-shames another slut after that slut has slut-shamed her, all of us sluts suffer. This is why every slut cries today. But I will say that part about Katie paying Jodie to give her ex a lap dance is kind of hot. Katie is Cristal Connors and Jodie is Nomi Malone. The only good that can come from this feud is a remake of Showgirls starring these two beautiful blossoms.
And that is the traumatized look from a newborn baby who has just learned that her name is BUNNY.
Before Katie Price gave birth to the baby she made with her cheating skank of a third husband Kieran Hayler, she said that she planned to name her second daughter “Electra” after her idol Carmen Electra. Electra Hayler sounds like the name of a low-budget superhero that The Weather Channel created to be their new mascot. Electra Hayler is kind of a badass name, so of course Katie didn’t name her that. Because Katie is a pink-loving, Disney-obsessed 8 -year-old rich girl trapped in the body of an exquisite Real Doll (I think I just described Holly Madison too), she named her second daughter Bunny. I bet Bunny wishes she could hop her ass to the nearest courthouse to change her name. It could’ve been a lot worse. Katie tells Ok! Magazine that she wanted to name Harvey Price’s new sister Duchess Kate, because her first daughter’s name is Princess.
“We really struggled to decide on a name. I wanted to call her Duchess Kate or just Duchess, but Kieran didn’t like that, so we’ve chosen Bunny, which we both like. It’s really cute, isn’t it? I considered it being spelt Bunni with a heart above the i, but I don’t think that’s really a part of the English language. I love Duchess Kate, though, so I’ve told Kieran that if we have another daughter that will be her name! I think it goes well with Princess. She would have been Duchess Kate of Brighton.”
Princess and Bunny. Katie realizes she’s naming humans and not white teacup Bichons, right? Katie says that they also tossed around the names Disney, Lady, Precious, Bambi and Peggy. THE FUCK? Somebody stop Katie Price before she gives birth to a third daughter and names the poor child Rapunzella Tiara (Actually, that’s kind of a hot name).
But seriously, I sort of kind of like the name Bunny, because it sounds like the name of an Upper East Side socialite who eats a bowl of Xanax for breakfast, brushes her teeth with champagne, sleeps in a Chanel suit and is the inspiration for nearly every character that Christine Baranski has ever played. Bunny is also a good name, because it’s the name of gold-digging trophy wife icon Bunny Lebowski!
So if somebody ever gives Bunny Hayler a look that says “I’m so sorry” after she tells them her name is Bunny Hayler, she should turn that look of pity into a look of jealousy by saying, “I was named after Bunny Lebowski, bitch.“
Alternate title: Another Lucky Human Gets To Call Earth Angel Harvey Price Her “Brother.”
Katie Price’s fifth baby friend and her second daughter wasn’t supposed to check out of her Botoxed uterus (yes, she botoxed her uterus, because wrinkly wombs are gross) for another 11 days and the c-section was scheduled for August 15, but I guess that child just couldn’t wait to gaze at her mother’s exquisite “sculpted from a block of plastic” face, because she arrived early. Katie’s publicist announced through Twatter last night that she gave birth to the next bundle of adorableness that she’ll pimp out on the cover of OK! and in reality shows. Katie’s second daughter is her second kid with her cheating slut bag husband Kieran Hayler.
Katie’s spokeswhore’s tweet is under 25 words, but I still managed to scream, “JUST TELL US THE NAME,” at least 20 times while reading it. The names of Katie’s four kids are: Harvey Price, Junior Savva Andreas Andre, Princess Tiaammi Crystal Esther Andre and Jett Riviera Hayler. There’s a mixture of normal names and fucked-up names in there, and I have a feeling that she’s really going to bring the baby name fuckery with this kid. Metro says that Katie recently said that she wants to name her daughter “Electra” after Carmen Electra. Only a British orchid like Katie Price would name her kid after American orchid Carmen Electra. Personally, I hope she names her daughter Harveylina Electra Price (HEP!).
Katie let her third husband Keiran Hayler be in the delivery room with her, because she’s trying to make their marriage work. Katie was going to shove divorce papers between Keiran’s ass cheeks after she found out that he cheated on her with two of her friends. In this week’s OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail), Katie says that Keiran is a sex addict and she’s helping him work through his addiction to puss. Katie knows that Keiran is a sex addict who will bone anything, because he cheated on her with old, ugly easy slut cows instead of with gorgeous, young, stunning, chaste flowers like her. The licensed psychologist put it like this:
“A lot of people would say he’s just a young guy who wants to sleep around, but I’ve learnt a lot through his therapy. I mean, if he’d gone for someone younger, fit body, big tits or pretty, you could at least see he cared who he was with. But two older women who are rank? But it’s because it was easy and just fed his addiction.”
Katie says she’s obsessed with knowing about the adventures of Keiran’s wandering peen and she has video of him fucking her friend in her barn on New Year’s Eve.
“I want to know every detail – when he had sex, how he had it… On New Year’s Eve I had a party here and him and Jane had sex in the barn. I’ve got it on camera because of the CCTV footage. [Kieran]’s broken down over this. And I was glad about that. I found him in the shower curled up in a little ball. He was crying his eyes out.”
Katie is so brave and so courageous for staying with Kieran. She’s an inspiration to us all. The sanctity of marriage is obviously really important to Katie and she’s not staying with Kieran because she knows she can milk at least 5 more covers of OK! Magazine out of their shitty marriage before dumping him for husband #4. Katie and Keiran staying together is also good news for Harvey, Junior and Princess YTuMamaTambien, because they won’t have to learn ANOTHER stepfather’s first name anytime soon.
First, Jessica Simpson changes her last name to Jessica Johnson (which is a little weird since I’m pretty sure John Mayer named his johnson “Jessica“) and now Cheryl Cole has taken the last name of her stranger husband and Katie Price is “thinking” about taking the last name of the estranged husband that supposedly boned her best friend while his baby is growing in her womb. It’s name changing day! Let’s all change our last names, and I would play along and change my name to Michael K Cooper of Wales, but I’m pretty sure the restraining orders stop me from doing so.
Cheryl Cole continued to be the British poster ho for “Bitch, what are you doing?” when she married the French playboy she knew for a grand total of 3 months. Cheryl Cole made Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini her second husband a week ago and just like she did with her first husband, Ashley Cole, she’s taken his last name. Cheryl Cole’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that she’s now Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and she’s probably under a tattoo artist’s needle to change the chav-tastic Mrs. C tattoo on her neck. Cheryl truly keeps finding ways to prove that dickmatization is a real thing. Dick so good it’s got a ho changing her last name after three months. Even though I like the name Cheryl Fernandez-Versini since it sounds like the name of the least popular afternoon local news anchor in the Miami area or like the name of the worst character in a Jackie Collins novel, Cheryl needs to stop with this shit. Is she really going to change her name every time she marries a new dude? Bitch is going to have more last names than the Duchess of Alba by the time she’s 40. Cheryl should just legally change her name to [Insert My Latest Husband’s Last Name Here]. It’s simpler and involves less paperwork.
And now onto that other British rose petal who is known for making only the best decisions…
Katie Price was on Fubar Radio and in between talking about how assholes are like vaginas in disguise and how one of her ex-husbands (see: Alex Reid) loves screwing “lady boys,” she said that she’s thinking about taking her cheating whore of a husband Kieran Hayler’s last name. This is a wonderful decision since Katie is supposedly going to divorce Keiran for passing his peen to her best friend.
“I’d love to have the surname but obviously for work it’s Price. Yes, I would do it, with Kieran he’d have to prove himself first before I actually have the name. I’m quite old fashioned, I just want to be in love, have that fairytale, be that perfect wife, have their name, still have your own career because I think that’s important that you’re not in and out of each other’s pockets and stuff.”
Yes, Katie Price is just an old-fashioned kind of girl who probably leaked her that video of her getting toe fucked and most likely staged this whole cheating SCANDAL for maximum attention and is now trying to shamelessly steal the name changing spotlight from Jessica Johnson and Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini! And if she thinks it’s important that she and her husband not always be in each other’s pockets, why is she pissed that he gotten into somebody else’s pocket?
Here’s Katie Price Andre Reid Hayler arriving and leaving Fubar Radio with Princess YTuMamaTambien.
The Definition Of “True Love” Is Meaningless Now: Katie Price Is Getting A Divorce For The 3,495,900th Time
Every divorce court in every county is currently looking for warehouse space to handle all the millions upon millions of divorce papers that will be filed by people who will realize that there’s no way their marriage will work if the marriage between Britain’s second biggest fame whore (behind Simon Cowell, of course) and her third husband (whose name I wouldn’t know if it fucked me good three times and bought me a surf and turf dinner) didn’t work. The wax orange flower who is a gift to the world by association since she gave us earth angel Harvey Price queefed out an ultra dramatic Twitter rant about her marriage this morning. Katie says that her third husband (whose name I wouldn’t know if it knocked on my door, hugged me and gave me lost episodes of Footballers Wives) is a slut bag skank who boned her home wrecking whore of a best friend. The pain of knowing that her third husband of barely a year cheated on her with her friend is more painful than the pain her vagina suffered through when she got athlete’s foot of the puss from letting that dude toe fuck her in her sex tape.
I know you’re probably covered in warm compresses to deal with the SHOCK from learning that Katie Price’s marriage to a stripper she knew for a second has ended, but try to compose yourself to read about her third husband having a full blown sexual affair with her home wrecking slut friend. (Side note: Well, if you’re going to have an affair, you might as well have a full blown one instead of a half blown one, because the latter isn’t enjoyable for anybody.)
Yes, Katie Price is knocked up with her fifth kid (her second with her third husband). So there will be another human who will live a life of inhaling the lead-based orange paint wafting off of their mom’s face and learning a new stepfather’s name every year. Speaking of, I think Harvey Price was just starting to refer to his latest stepfather by his first name instead of, “Hey, you.” Hahaha, no. Harvey Price is too smart for that. He knows that there’s many things in life worth remembering and one of those things is not the name of his mom’s latest husband, because she’s going to get a new one next month.
Here’s sad Katie Price being sad while leaving the house of the best friend who supposedly screwed her husband. Even though she’s all sad inside, Katie is still keeping it glamorous and elegant in ugly coochie cutters, uglier boots and an exquisite garter belt tattoo.
Believe it or not, but the vision before you is not a fuck effort Janice Dickinson wax figure made by an artist with arthritis-stricken hands out of melted orange candles, dried bronzer clumps and basketball leather. It’s the saint who gave birth to Britain’s true chosen child: Harvey Price!
I’m guessing that dozens of people squinted their faces into the “The fuck is that?” position when Katie Price sashayed along the red carpet at the London premiere of The Lego Movie on Sunday afternoon. In addition to her new face, Katie brought along three of her kids (Harvey, Princess Tumamatambien and Junior) and her latest husband whose name I forgot and I’m not even going to Google, because really what’s the point? Like her face, bitch is going to have a different one next week. KATIE PRICE’S FACE, though! I don’t know what she did to it this time, but if you pricked her cheek with a needle, a river of fillers would flow out and her entire body would shrivel and fall like a deflating bouncy castle that too many fat kids jumped on.
You know how you’re supposed to teach your kids to not talk to strangers? How the hell does Katie Price tell her kids that it’s okay to trust her even though she’s always got a new face on? Does she introduce her new face to her kids and then read them My Beautiful Mom again?
With all that being said, I have to slow clap for Katie for decorating her herp sores. I’ve always said that whenever you’ve got a cold sore or a wart or a hemorrhoid, cover that bitch in metallic paint, sprinkle some glitter on it and work it proudly. Work that herp sore like it’s a precious jewel, bitch. If a rat carefully chewed off Katie Price’s lip sore and dropped it in my hand, I’d totally wear it as a necklace.
So far today, I’ve shat up posts about Kim, Kanye and Pauly D, so obviously we need a palate cleanser to rinse the stank from our retinas and here’s one in the form of beautiful pictures of Harvey Price’s creator and Britain’s answer to Mark Twain, Katie Price, at a photo call in London for Love, Lipstick and Lies, the latest autobiography written by a member of her ghost writing harem. Somewhere, both Zac Efron and Xtina are scratching “Love, Lipstick and Lies” off the list of title possibilities for their memoirs.
While done up like the bachelorette party section of a Party City, Katie Price tried to give us her best sexyface but looked more like she was suffering from smoke inhalation while severely constipated. Several plastic horse dolls were scalped to make Katie’s weave, but they don’t mind, because their polyester manes went to a greater cause. And I know you’re checking Chanel’s site to find out where you can buy that luxuriously exquisite pantyhose catsuit, but sadly for you, you won’t be able to have Katie’s face on your crotch (Side note: Why does she have Pauly D hair?), because it’s custom made.
And after these pictures were taken, Katie mounted that lipstick and fucked the plastic off of it. Expect her to give birth to a litter of plastic lipsticks in 9 months.