Note: That is Katie Price’s actual mug shot and not a sloppily made mess created by me.
It’s been almost 9 months since I’ve written about Katie Price, and I was hoping that the next time I wrote about her it would be to slow clap for THE QUEEN for doing the right thing by relinquishing the throne to Katie, making her the true Queen of England and Harvey Price a prince. But the only title Katie Price got last night was the Queen of Messy when she crashed her pink Range Rover in an alleged drunken haze after getting into a fight with her current boy toy and showing up at her ex-boy toy’s birthday party. Harvey, come get your mom! Actually, don’t, you don’t need to be around that sad scene right now.
You know how in Jennifer’s Body, the demon that possessed Megan Fox’s body sometimes shows itself? Like this:
Well, Katie Price gave us some of that glamorous Succubus hotness (Sharon Needles, who?) on the red carpet at the 23rd National Television Awards in London last night. Katie was there because the talk show she’s on, Loose Women (I’ll pause as you cackle for the 678th time over Katie Price being on a show called Loose Women), was nominated. Loose Women lost the award for Best Daytime Show to This Morning, and while the winners were collecting their trophy on stage, Katie looked down at her phone. She was probably just reading her email, like the email she got from the Death Eaters who invited her to join them since they’re impressed with her ability to make people reach for the holy water just by striking a soul-frightening pose (see: above). But who cares about that stupid award! Katie won the night with her piping pose game on the red carpet.
If Voldemort became a beauty YouTuber who specialized in creating the Kardashian look using discount drugstore cosmetics and expired makeup found in a shoebox in the back of your bathroom cabinet, he’d look exactly like Katie at the National Television Awards last night. In other words: STUNNING!
Pics: Wenn.com, 20th Century Fox
It’s been much too long since the ears of the world have been gently caressed by the velvety wave of powerful musical notes leaping out of the mouth of the most beautiful and talented swan in Britain, Katie Price! Katie’s highly impressive singing career started out in 2005 when she auditioned for Eurovision and she hasn’t released any music for a while. But musical talent has been brewing inside Katie and she could no longer resist the urge to let it all out.
There’s a chain of restaurants in Los Angeles called Eggslut. They should call up Katie Price and ask her if they can use that gorgeous picture as their logo. Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because if they did, they’d automatically get an F from the health department.
Our modern day Jane Austen has yet another Booker Prize-worthy novel coming out (and yes, I will read it since my brain is addicted to eating fine literature) and she cannot release anything without pimping it out in one of her signature high-budget photocalls. The latest novel that Katie Price definitely wrote every word of is called Reborn and so she went with that theme in the photocall that happened at The Worx Studios in London today. Using a 7-figure budget, the best set builders in Hollywood built Katie Price an elaborate cracked egg and she posed for her life inside of it while wearing a body condom and standing on a Wee Wee pad. This photoshoot is very Anne Geddes for Hustler.
Katie Price’s photocalls of fuckery are what make the world go around. I am so glad that she didn’t lap up the liquid (sweat or water from her hair) on her Spandex skin suit, because the thirstier Katie Price is the better Katie Price is!
Katie Price (who apparently, scalped a My Little Pony for that wig) is a regular panelist on the ITV talk show Loose Women, and she’s talked about her 13-year-old earth angel son Harvey Price a few times. During an episode in March, Katie talked about what’s it like raising Harvey, who is partially blind, is on the autistic spectrum and has a disorder called Parder-Willi syndrome. And on today’s episode, Katie and the other panelists got into the demon shit-hearted trolls who spew balls of hate at Harvey on social media.
HuffPo UK says that producers thought that maybe they should pre-tape the segment, but Katie spat on that idea, because she wanted people to see what Harvey is really like. Well, while talking to Harvey, Katie asked him what he says to someone who says mean shit about him. Harvey had the right idea years ago when he told Peter Andre to “fuck off” in their reality show, and he had the right idea this morning when he gave this response to trolls:
“Hello, you cunt.” It’s simple, precise, truthful and yet, polite. Well played, Harvey! And I watched the entire segment and noted troll Piers Morgan managed to make it all about him. My response to that is what Harvey said.
Paging PETA! Paging PETA! Come save this sad and tragic beast. And that horse needs your help too. I know you want to GONG me for that one, but you should really be using your hands to call the authorities on Katie Price’s ass!
Every time Katie Price takes a caca, she has to hold a photo call around it. She holds a photo call for every single thing she puts out and usually her photo calls lift me up to the heavens and beyond, but she has gone too far this time! Katie is starring in some TLC reality show called Katie Price’s Pony Club, and that might sound like some not right Equus shit. But it’s actually a show that follows Katie as she teaches two of her children, Junior and Princess Tiaamii, how to ride a horse. (Yes, even TLC in the UK is a leading purveyor of foolery.) Katie launched her newest reality shit show with a photo call starring herself, Junior, Princess TiaAndTamera, her latest husband, some other kids and a horse who didn’t sign up for that ridiculousness.
I am all for Katie Price doing herself up like some busted down whorse showgirl at a Brony-themed club who turns tricks in a stall for hay and sugar cubes, but I cannot condone what she’s done to that THOT (that horse over there). That poor horse didn’t ask to be done up like Swift Wind’s broke cousin named Slow Fart who got its clothes from a former child beauty queen’s yard sale and at a party store’s going out-of-business sale.
Where is an equine diarrhea attack when that horse really needed it? I would so not be mad at that horse if it made a shitty mess during that photo call. Although, I will say that horsey’s FML up-eye game should win all the blue ribbons.