Category: Afternoon Crumbs

Afternoon Crumbs

May 5, 2017 / Posted by:

In honor of Mother’s Day, those known horny fast food hos at KFC have gifted moms with the 12th spice in their secret blend: a romance novel starring giant slice of hot white meat Colonel Sanders. I was going to say that KFC should sell a special lube that goes along with this fap material, but they don’t need to do that. If you want to lube yourself up before reading their romance novel, just squeeze the grease out of their chicken over you. And I’m mad at KFC for blocking Colonel Sanders’ crotch, because I need to see if he’s packing a wing or an extra meaty drumstick – Jezebel

Let’s continue the theme of romance with these pictures of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell christening her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame with their love – Popsugar

Bradley Cooper doesn’t want to talk babies, real or otherwise – Lainey Gossip 

On this Cinco de Mayo, let’s get into the hotness of Demián Bichir in a suit (just scroll past Assbender) – Celebitchy

Sonja Morgan really does want to be the Little Edie of the Upper East Side – Reality Tea

Panty Creamer of the Day: Bearded pieces in kilts doing leg work – Towleroad

Karlie Kloss models outfits that look like they were rejected by Beyonce for her Lemonade special – Hollywood Tuna

Are we really sure these are pictures of the real Jessica Biel? I’m not sure because Justin Timberlake isn’t cheesing it up behind her like the attention whore he is – Popoholic

Dove Cameron looks like she’s wearing a weightlifting belt that doubles as a waist trainer – Drunken Stepfather

Kimmy Gibbler sees all….. – SOW

Ariel Winter spit at the jealous, boring-dressed haters who just won’t let her be great (and elegant) – Just Jared

Quick Programming Note: Thanks to Ben for helping us this week while Allison and I both dealt with family stuff. I’m also checking out extra early today to deal with more family stuff. And if you’re thinking that “family stuff” is code for “celebrate Cinco de Mayo by getting day drunk with my cousins on the front patio of one of their townhouses,” you miiiight be right.

Pic: KFC

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Cutting her good snorting finger in a boating accident helped Lindsay Lohan understand the suffering of Syrian refugees. Well, it’s official, I guess whatever was left of LiLo’s brain was in the finger that got sliced up – The Superficial

Marky Mark spent his holidays like a Real Housewife: sipping on ro-zay in an ugly pink swimsuit on a yacht in the Caribbean – Lainey Gossip

Adele may have gotten married on the down low during Christmastimes  – Celebitchy

Countess Luann de Lesseps is going to marry that bald ball of sleaze on New Year’s Eve and I’m sure Bethenny Frankel is going to get her a very useful wedding gift (read: a divorce lawyer’s card) – Reality Tea

Like most famous tricks on this planet this week, Kate Bosworth is in a bikini – Drunken Stepfather

These LOVE Advent videos are never ever going to stop coming – The Nip Slip

Our reigning Queen of THOTs posed in her chonies again, because the world will stop turning if she doesn’t – Popoholic

And just like that, Charlie Sheen has ordered ALL the Alexas – Hollywood Tuna

My brain would shart up a thousand WTFs over what Sofia Vergara is wearing but it’s too busy sharting up a thousand WTFs over Joe ManJello wearing a shirt in Bora Bora – Popsugar

Ashley Greene announced her engagement with a cheesy video that’s more embarrassing than TwilightIDLYITW

GARGOYLES! SLYCICS! DOARK-SIDED! Azealia Banks is getting attention today for Snapchatting a video of her showing off the bruja closet where she has allegedly sacrificed chickens. Well, if she’s a renter, there goes her deposit – Just Jared

Pic: Getty

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Serena Williams got engaged to Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian, and she announced it with a poem on Reddit. At the top of the list of random things have happened this year is the Queen of Tennis being so damn dickmatized by the co-founder of Reddit that she wrote a poem about their engagement. And don’t worry about Drake, he’s probably drying his sad tears on JLo’s nalgas as I type this  – Jezebel

Sorry, Scott Eastwood, but your application for Pussy Posse membership is incomplete without pictures and stats of all the new models you’re going to bring into the crew – Lainey Gossip

Brad Pitt had a “cordial” Christmas hang out with his children. The use of the word “cordial” makes it sound like everyone was quiet and after Brad handed gifts over to his kids, they threw him a look that said, “The gift receipt better be in here because I’m returning it.” Sounds just like past Christmases with my dad! – Celebitchy

My guess is that  Chanel West Coast is on her way to mass in that ensemble. Because that outfit is so demure that it’s fit for God – Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Sheen wants 2016 to take Donald Trump next. Charlie better watch it or he’s going to end up at the top of Trump’s deportation list. Hey, Charlie is part Spanish and that’s practically Mexican to Trump! – The Superficial

Peter Thomas of the Real Housewives of Atlanta wants everyone to think that Bravo is giving him a spin-off show. Bravo will be dead to me if they give Papa Smurf a spin-off show before they give one to Mama JoyceReality Tea 

Emily RideAJetSki gave eyeglass fetishists a little gift for the holidays – Popoholic

Here’s Stella Maxwell, Kristen Stewart’s new full-time fuck partner, doing her day job – Hollywood Tuna

I need to slap my eyeballs several times for mistaking a Kartrashian hanger-on for Alexis Arquette – WWTDD

George Michael’s partner put out an unreleased song of his – OMG Blog

T.I. and Tiny are that melodramatic couple who file for divorce one minute, and get back together the next – HipHopDX

Ellen Pompeo and Chris Ivery’s holiday has been filled with newborn wails and baby drool, because they’re parents again – Popsugar

The !!!OUTRAGE!!! machine really went into overdrive over Steve Martin’s tweet about Carrie FisherJust Jared

Pic: Instagram

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 28, 2016 / Posted by:

gwynethpaltrowinstyle

Gwyneth Paltrow, working a beyond-janky sweater situation, tells InStyle that Chris Martin would still take a bullet for her. Sadly, I don’t know if the same can’t be said for Gwyneth. Unless it’s a $3,000 hand-polished artisanal lead bullet imported from Italy, the only thing she’s taking is cover behind him – Lainey Gossip

Charlie Sheen’s rabbi beard looks like it was pulled from the last chance bin at Wooly Willy’s House of Unrealistic Facial Hair – SOW

If being a member of the Royal Family was like working in an office, Duchess Kate is allegedly the person who takes two hour lunch breaks, spends most of the afternoon trolling Facebook, and always has to leave early for “an appointment” – Celebitchy

Courtney Stodden is out shopping and spending the millions I assume she was given from a record label for a follow-up to Mistletoe BikiniPopoholic

Lisa Rinna needs a Real Housewives spin-off called Duster HustlerReality Tea

Supergirl is flying up, up and away from her 21-month marriage to Blake JennerJust Jared

The official trailer for Alien: Covenant is here, and there’s not a single joke about the extraterrestrial creature in Michael Fassbender’s pants – The Superficial

Finally, the one good reason to see Passengers: Chris Pratt’s ass! – OMG Blog

Bella Thorne looks like the most-popular server at a Hooters-style 90s grunge-themed breastaurant called Nir-tatasHollywood Tuna

…and here she is working the “Oh crap, I didn’t know there would be photographers” look – Drunken Stepfather

Zach Galifianakis became a dad for the second time last month, and his son’s name is Rufus Galifianakis. My thoughts are with Rufus on the day he tries to pronounce his last name for the first time – Popsugar

Pic: InStyle

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Dame Helen Mirren told Graham Norton that she often gets recognized while waiting in line for the bathroom and it’s awkward because she can’t piss in peace. You mean famous people don’t have some kind of special secret celebrity VIP bathroom with a little red carpet leading to every toilet? How dreadful! – SOW

Yet another LOVE Advent video, this time featuring Elsa Hosk writhing awkwardly in what appears to be a bikini made from strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups – Drunken Stepfather

President Obama thinks he would’ve beaten Donald Trump if he ran again – Celebitchy

“Oh, look, there’s a new definition for me,” said Unsexy while watching Kylie Jenner and Tyga’s video thing – The Superficial

Ex-Real Housewives are just like current Real Housewives, they can’t pay their bills either – Reality Tea

Richard Hammond is totally from the Tom Cruise School of Homophobic Ice Cream-Eating Theories – Towleroad

Here’s Ariel Winter dressed up as Santa’s side-piece – Popoholic

I’m still not sure who Candy Ken is, but he is giving off a major Spring Breakers-meets-high fructose corn syrup vibe – (NSFW) OMG Blog

The most glaring omission from this list of ways Rogue One: A Star Wars Story missed the mark is that it didn’t include an origin story for my favorite character, Sy Snootles – Pajiba

Kendall Jenner’s LOVE Advent video only got 210k views, which means Kris Jenner just put Khloe to work refreshing that video until her finger snaps – Hollywood Tuna

Gabrielle Union was in a money fight with BET, but it’s over now – Just Jared

Derek and Julianne Hough and their family went snowmobiling over Christmas. As a Canadian, I must say I’m disappointed that no one was wearing a neon Ski-Doo one-piece suit – Popsugar

Pic: YouTube

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Afternoon Crumbs

December 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Let us all give thanks to the Baby Jesus for being born, because if he wasn’t, we’d never have this clip of Mimi wearing a stunning stripper gown while bringing some ho ho ho shit around Santa, her boy toy piece and children, including her own, dressed as elves – Lainey Gossip 

That LOVE Advent shit gave a little something to body odor fetishists who also have a thing for Karlie KlossHollywood Tuna

Charlotte McKinney did some kind of photo shoot that looks more like the pictures in a profile on a high-priced escort website – Drunken Stepfather

Andre Leon Talley isn’t a citizen of Trumpland, okay? – Celebitchy

I swear, my sister wore this almost-exact outfit on the first day of the sixth grade and yes, she wore it better – Popoholic

It was very gracious of Baddie Winkle to let Fergie Ferg be in and sing in HER video – OMG Blog

Something that made me punch myself in the eyeballs: mistaking Backdoor Farrah for England’s finest rose Jodie MarshIDLYITW

I’m sure Teresa Giudice will be spending a part of her Christmas dribbling out an excuse to the cops when they come to her house after finding out that she stole toys from a Toys For Tots donation box to give to her kids – Reality Tea

The Madison Square Garden Company is now saying that they’re not going to force any Rockette to perform at the presidential inauguration – Just Jared

If you’ve wondered what Khloe Kartrashian sounds like when she serenades the guests at her mom’s Kristmas party, here you go – SOW

Miles Teller’s bright blue Bronco flipped over during an accident with an Uber drive. Miles didn’t get whiplash (sorry) or any other kind of injury and was well enough to curse out and try to attack the at-fault Uber driver – Jezebel

Pic: YouTube

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