Open Post: Hosted By The New Ghostbusters Visiting A Children’s Hospital

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

When I was a kid, I was in the hospital a couple times, and all of them were pretty shitty. One time I was in a hospital that only served lemon Jell-O (sick). Another time I peed on the floor because I was too weak to pull my IV pole to the bathroom. Then my nurse came in, saw the piss, got mad, and turned off the TV as punishment (which was a next-level bitch move, because I was already 45 minutes deep into a Back to the Future marathon).

What I’m trying to get at is that being a kid in the hospital sucks, but the ladies from the all-lady Ghostbusters reboot/remake/whatever made it a little bit better by visiting the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center on Saturday. E! says that Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon showed up in their Ghostbusters costumes and spent the day visiting with patients. Of course, some assholes are still salty about the all-lady Ghostbusters, and so they ripped a bunch of anger-scented internet farts on the pictures Tufts posted to their Facebook page from the visit. Tufts then swatted back by posting a Facebook note saying that they’d be yanking down any “profanity.

All the “profanity” has since been deleted, so we don’t really know what was said. But if I had to guess, I’m sure one of the comments was from a user named J. Bieber that said: “When the fuck did I hang out with three of the lady Ghostbusters?

Pics: Facebook

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False Alarm: Channing Tatum Is Still Doing That Gambit Movie

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Good news for those of you who were really excited about the possibility of hearing lovable mumbling doofus Channing Tatum completely butcher a Cajun accent (raises hand). Last week, there were whispers going around that Channing Tatum was doing a slow shuffle towards the exit door in regards to the role of Gambit in that upcoming Gambit movie. I assumed it was because he kept referring to the playing cards thrown by Gambit as “the Go Fish game” or getting too distracted by the Jacks (“Dude, I don’t know why they’re called Jacks; they’re not that jacked“), but it was really just negotiation problems.

However, according to The Hollywood Reporter, those whispers were dipped in lies, because Channing Tatum isn’t walking away from Gambit. THR says that Channing Tatum and Fox worked out any problems he had with his contract, like backend compensation, and he’s officially signed on. Somewhere in a place where hot dudes hang out, Taylor Kitsch just got really bummed out and asked another hot dude for a hot dude hug.

This is absolutely wonderful news, because there is no one else in this world who is more perfect for the part of Gambit. In case you’re not familiar, Gambit is a mutant from New Orleans who is constantly in DTF mode. He’s basically that guy who spends all of Mardi Gras trying to get laid by calling every girl he sees “Mon Chérie” and asking if they’d like to touch his abs. Hell, I’d be willing to bet that Gambit has busted out some mutant stripper moves to Ginuwine’s “Pony” while throwing electrified cards with his phone number and dick size written on them. Channing Tatum isn’t Gambit; Gambit is Channing Tatum.

Here’s the real-life Gambit at something called The Dizzy Feet Foundation Gala yesterday with his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Adam Shankman.

Pics: Wenn.com

Ashlee Simpson’s New Baby Has A Name

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because  = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.

UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:

A photo posted by @ashleesimpsonross on

Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.

Maybe it’s because I’m from Canada, but Jagger, Snow, & Ross totally sounds like a personal injury lawyer who specializes in snowmobile accidents. “Side-swiped a moose? Ran over a hidden mailbox? Call Jagger, Snow, & Ross at 1-888-SORRY-EH.

Pic: Wenn.com

Bobby Brown’s Wife Was Rushed To The Hospital After Bobbi Kristina’s Funeral

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d say that I’m shocked to learn that things got even more dramatic after Bobbi Kristina Brown’s already very dramatic funeral, but…that would be a lie. And I’m far too bloated from all the cream-covered fruit fermenting in my stomach from yesterday’s National Raspberry Cream Pie Day festivities to be nothing less than totally honest with myself.

A “source” (Bobbi Kristina’s loudmouth aunt Leolah Brown, probably) tells TMZ that Bobby Brown’s wife Alicia Etheredge was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure shortly after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral in Atlanta yesterday. Alicia, who gave birth to Bobby’s baby less than a month ago, had just returned to her hotel when it happened. Alicia was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and she was apparently able to walk when she arrived. TMZ says Bobby B was with her.

Speaking of Aunt Leolah, remember how she had to be escorted out of Bobbi Kristina’s funeral yesterday because she was acting the fool? Well, Bobbi Kristina’s cousin Meeta Brown would like you to know that Leolah Brown is “crazy.” Meeta talked to the paps after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral (you know, as one does) and spilled the T about Aunt Leolah. According to Meeta Brown’s repeated use of the word “crazy“, combined with her constantly rolling eyes and chronic “I can’t with her” face, Aunt Leolah is a mess. She also claimed that the Browns and the Houstons don’t hate each other. Yuh huh. Sure.

But back to Alicia Etheredge. It’s awful that she spent her post-funeral time in the hospital and not back in her hotel room eating snacks from the mini-fridge while watching a Flip or Flop marathon until she felt less sad (aka how I cheer up after a sad day). Especially for something as scary as a seizure. But I guess the silver lining here is that she no longer had to deal with Aunt Leolah. I don’t even know if they were staying in the same hotel, but it doesn’t matter; Aunt Leolah totally sounds like the type to find your room and bang on your door at 3am asking in a whispered yell if you have any extra towels.

Pic: Splash/INF

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Sprinkle Spangles cereal from the 90s!

Kids love sprinkles and I’m sure some of them snort lines of sprinkles in the darkened part of the cafeteria during lunchtime. Back in the 80s afterbirth of foolery known as the 90s, General Mills knew this and they put out Sprinkle Spangles cereal, which was star-shaped corn puffs that looked like they were spat on by a rainbow. They were covered in sprinkles. They looked like the herpes warts of a unicorn.

Sprinkle Spangles came out in the early 90s and General Mills went hard trying to push that shit by hiring the legendary Dom DeLuise to do the voice of the cereal’s mascot, a purple genie with a rainbow ponytail. The Sprinkle Genie was totally the Aladdin genie’s less-talented (but much hotter) third cousin who was assigned to make the breakfast wishes of brats come true, but he made the most of that shitty assignment by giving the world star-shaped, sprinkles-covered cereal!

Sprinkle Spangles cereal didn’t last long. It was discontinued in the late 90s. Who knows what became of the Sprinkle Genie. He probably became a back alley dealer and sells baggies full of sprinkles to hard-up children of the 90s who miss Sprinkle Spangles cereal.

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Birthday Sluts

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Apollonia (56)
Hallie Eisenberg (23)
Charli XCX (23)
Nadia Bjorlin (35)
Aaron Staton (35)
Donna Air (36)
Edward Furlong (38)
Sam Worthington (39)
Jacinda Barrett (43)
Kevin Smith (45)
Alice Evans (47)
Mary-Louise Parker (51)
Cynthia Stevenson (53)
Victoria Jackson (56)
Butch Vig (58)
Anthony Crivello (60)
Butch Patrick (62)
Joanna Cassidy (70)
Wes Craven (76)
Betsy Bloomingdale (93)

Pic: eBay

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Open Post: Hosted By This Pom’s Muppet Sneeze

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ve been told that my sneezes could bring a trick out of a coma from 10,000 miles away and that my sneezes should come with a government warning. But my sneezes have absolutely nothing on the sneeze this little ball of white fluff from Louisiana sneezed out. Roux, who has an Instagram page because what Pomeranian doesn’t, was caught on camera blowing out a sneeze that is bigger than him. You know it’s going to be the kind of sneeze that’ll leave a mark on the walls, because he prepares by doing that pre-sneeze head bob and then he lets it blow.

So many times when you sneeze, you think to yourself, “All that build-up for that anti-climactic shit?” But that wasn’t one of those sneezes. Roux probably had a cigarette and a Calgon bath after that one.

Seriously, Roux’s Curly from The Three Stooges impression is spot-on and now I really want to hear him say “soitenly!”

via Boing Boing

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Bobbi Kristina Brown’s Family Brought The Expected Level Of Trashy To Her Funeral

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s funeral featured her aunt being forcibly removed for interrupting the eulogy and relatives acting to bar other relatives from taking pictures of Bobbi in her coffin. That’s nice. Wherever she is, Nippy is not amused.

Bobbi Kristina’s aunt Leolah Brown reportedly thought it was appropriate to rise during Bobbi’s other aunt Pat Houston’s speech and start screaming shit. This is not a wedding, Auntie Leolah. No one asked for your input.

(via TMZ)

An eyewitness tells TMZ, Pat Houston was getting ready to speak when Leolah began screaming, “Pat you know you are wrong for this!”

Security, with the help of Madea (Tyler Perry), escorted her ass out. Inappropriate Auntie Leolah was said to be upset over Pat Houston asking that condolences be sent to a specified charity instead of flowers.

In other “Hatfields and McCoys 2015″ news via TMZ, the messy Brown family was reportedly on high alert to prevent the messy Houston family from taking a pic of Bobbi in her casket and selling it. A picture of Bobbi’s mom, Whitney Houston, was taken and sold to a magazine in 2012. The Browns, who were not welcome at Whitney’s services, have assumed that it was the Houstons who were responsible.

If there’s one time people should shut the fuck up and put aside their shit (and their thirst for $$$), it’s someone’s funeral. Save it for Christmas. Save it for the christening. Save it for when my mom’s new boyfriend pulled up to our first time meeting him with his shirt open to his navel and finishing up a can of Bud. (That really happened.)

Pic: INFPhoto.com

Chris Hemsworth Was Too Big For His Initial Stunt Penis

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Chris Hemsworth sports a giant fake cock in his scenes for that wholly unnecessary Vacation remake/sequel. Vulture reports that he was too big and brawny in the bod to successfully model the 8-incher.

I feel like a complete imposter writing this post because if Michael K is anything, he is a dickpig of the highest order. He’s basically the Dickpig-In-Chief. Michael’s got wang on the brain all the live long day. So when a story comes up that contains so many references to dick…I just feel like he’s the only ho to do it justice. But alas, he takes his well-deserved weekends off. So you dick post fans are stuck with me. I’ll try my hardest. That was intentional.

Thor plays Ed Helms’ brother-in-law in the flick and he walks around in his underwear, bearing a massive cock outline. The writers/directors John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein say that the whole process of finding the proper fake dick was arduous. They had a stand-in model several dicks, and it made everyone uncomfortable. This is a movie where the family swims in shit, so that’s odd.

When they had narrowed it down to an 8-inch stunt schlong and a 10-inch stunt schlong, Thor was called in to model them. Uncomfortability (is that even a word) can get fucked, because I would be so in on that fitting. Here, Chris, let me help you adjust it.

If you also consider yourself a dickpig, follow the jump for more celebrity fake penis info and some screen caps of the false penis in question.

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Jared The Subway Guy Reportedly Claimed To Have Paid A 16-Year-Old For Sex

August 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Do I have time to drive the hour and a half to visit my mom so she can give me a reassuring hug and tell me it’s going to be ok before I blog about this nasty mess? Maybe she can make a roast beef, too. That’s always comforting. The FBI have reportedly subpoenaed an affidavit containing texts between Jared Fogle and a former Subway franchise owner in which he claims to have paid a 16-year-old for sex. Even Tyga just made an appalled face.

According to Business Insider, the former franchise’s attorney is the one spilling the tea. Jared and the Subway owner were supposedly in a sexual relationship when they exchanged some really fucked-up sexts in the spring and summer of 2008.

Jared urged the anonymous woman in question to sell her ass on Craigslist for $500 a pop and to let him watch. Worse, he urged her to hook him up with her underaged (at the time) cousin.

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