7-Eleven isn’t just the place where you wander drunkenly through the aisles after the bars let out, searching desperately for the ORIGINAL flavor of Slim-Jims because no one wanted to go home with you (and why is everything fucking chipotle flavored now)? It’s ALSO the place where you can score an utterly nutritious start to your day. Say hell to the 7-Eleven breakfast pizza!
The breakfast pizza starts with a biscuit crust, then tops it with smoked bacon, sausage, hickory smoked ham, scrambled eggs, cheddar and mozzarella cheese and—because you’re probably already on Lipitor—it’s covered in a peppered cream gravy. It will be available either by the slice or as an entire pie, because 7-Eleven knows that you can’t hate yourself all day unless you start first thing in the morning.
You can buy just a slice or the whole damn pie to share with any other depressives with a death wish at work. My day job is full of slender people who watch what they eat. If I ever dropped any pretense of caring what they thought of me, or concern about my job status and brought this in to share with them, they’d probably call HR and have me and my breakfast pizza escorted out of the building.
In a lengthy post featuring a Star cover breathlessly declaring that Brad has moved in with Kate, he imagined a world where the Hudson/Hawn clan has been turned upside down by the presence of Bong Hit Brad the Chaos-Bringer.
In vapid celebrity love triangle news, Bella Hadid is “bitter” over The Weeknd’s alleged relationship with Selena Gomez.
A source tells E! that the vacant-faced model has been crying into her bowl of lettuce foam over Starboy ever since she found out about their relationship, and lashed out at Selena by unfollowing her on Instagram. Trust me, Selena might have 107 million followers on IG, but she still feels it when she loses even one! Hit her where it hurts, Bella! (No one ever blames the man.)
Actress and Quentin Tarantino fetish object Uma Thurman is currently locked in a custody battle with her ex-boyfriend Arpad (Arki) Busson over their four-year-old daughter, Luna.
Last week, Arki accused Uma of mixing pills and booze while she accused him of letting Luna ride a scooter without a helmet (um…). Uma finally got her hands on some alleged real dirt this week. We’ve got hookers, the threatening of ex-girlfriends, and cheating on high school tests! True, one of those accusations is a little frivolous compared to the other two, but, you have to throw everything at the reputation wall and see what sticks!
Let’s turn the clock back to 2012. Hurricane Sandy was slapping the shit out of NYC. Jessica Simpson struggled to deal with Papa Joe’s twink addiction. And our current president Donald Trump felt necessary to chime in about a celebrity couple’s tragic breakup. He’s grown so much since then.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson starred as a starcrossed and sparkly vampire couple in a seemingly endless film franchise called Twilight in the early 2010s. They were also in a poorly concealed “secret” relationship which kaboomed when Kristen was papped letting a director attend to her needs in a mini-Cooper. Our future president, who was merely a reality television star back then, was firmly on Team Edward. He hates cheating (he’s been romancing the Twitter bird for a looonnngg time)!
Anita Yavich, the protester who threw up a gorgeous double serving of my favorite symbol at the inauguration yesterday!
Depending on who you ask, Trump’s inauguration either brought out around 250,000 to 900,000 people (according to the media) or a number so YUGE that it hasn’t been invented yet (according toTrump). And that number included protesters like the purple parka-wearing warrior who tossed out a double fuck you during his speech. And just like that, the perfect poster for the Women’s March was created (as well as the picture visual response I can fart back at a trick who tells me in an e-mail that I need to show nothing but respect to my president.)
Lots of middle fingers up in the air during Trump’s speech
The blog Angry Asian Man says that the two-gun saluter has been ID’d as Anita Yavich, a Broadway costume designer who and Associate Professor of Theater Design at SUNY Purchase. Keep those middle fingers up, Anita! (Although, they may get tired sometime between now and 2020, so she may want to invest in two of these.)