Open Post: Hosted By A Thieving Chipmunk Caught In The Act

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m not saying I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but I’m also not saying I haven’t. What’s a little identity theft, aggravated assault and insurance fraud if you don’t get caught? It’s like the age old riddle, if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? If I impersonate an officer and somehow make it to detective and then get a big retirement party but no one ever finds out it was all a scam, was it a crime? In any case, even if you do get caught, don’t you try and still get something out of it all? This chipmunk doesn’t think so.

He gets busted and never have I seen something so embody the phrase “the jig is up!” He admits full guilt and fucking bolts. Despite his weak crime game he’s still all good in my book. For one, he’s redeemed chipmunks for me after having been tortured by the existence of those horrifying Alvin and The Chipmunks movies. Also, he’s the heir to Ralph of the Tater Tots!

via Tastefully Offensive


Skrillex Denies He And Justin Bieber Stole Shit For Their Song “Sorry”

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Sorry to do this to you, but this one’s about the world’s sulkiest toddler, Justin Bieber. It’s also about that one kid that was always talking about taking speed but you knew he’d never even had a sip of beer, Skrillex. And their song ‘Sorry‘. So, yeah. Sorry. Justin and Skrillex are not only guilty of unleashing that ‘Sorry’ mess on the world, they may also be guilty of stealing. Toddler’s first shoplift!

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Jessica Lange Is Totally Done With “American Horror Story”

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

There’s always two things you can count on. Number one is that the world will continue to spin with or without you. And number two is that a Ryan Murphy production will be ten layers of gay and twelve layers of camp. Really anything could be evidence in proving this but I’m choosing my favorite – John Travolta‘s wig in American Crime Story. His former leading lady on American Horror Story, Jessica Lange, is on to new things, specifically Ryan’s new show, Feud. She’ll be playing Joan Crawford opposite Susan Sarandon‘s Bette Davis. See? The world still turns and this new show is sending the gay and the camp through the roof.

Jessica was recently on Charlie Rose and he brought up AHS. Like many, he was wondering whether she’d ever return to it and save us from Lady Gaga. Sadly, her answer was a “no”. (via E!)

Jessica: “No, I think, you know, I had four years with that. Four seasons. And each year was a marvelous character. Everything changed from one year to another, which made it very interesting for me. But, no, I think sometimes you come to the end of something and it has a…”

Charlie: “And you know?”

J: “Yeah. And it has had it’s natural… end.”

C: “But, I mean, people loved you in that.”

J: “I know. I know, I know. It’s funny.”

No, Jessica, it isn’t funny. You know why? Because Lady Gaga now has an Golden Globe. Is that funny to you, missy? Whatever. Jessica may be done scaring us in places like murder houses and New Orleans witch covens, but I’m sure her Joan Crawford will terrify us all. Thanks to Faye Dunaway, we all cower in fear when there’s even a wiff of wire hangers so Jessica has a lot to live up to. I hope she throws her talented class act thing out the window, chews the scenery like no one ever has and gives Faye a run for her money. I’m also hoping that she stuck it into her contract that Ryan must at all times wear a blonde wig and be called Christina.

Pic: Wenn

Johnny Depp Responds To Amber Heard’s Abuse Allegations

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

You thought that because it was the weekend everything would be sunshine and daisies, right? Well, this is the world, so no. You might be having a morning cocktail and mortifying your neighbors by dancing to the The Pretenders in front of an open window (don’t judge me!) but the world keeps turning and the messes keep getting messier. The mess du jour, du week, really, is of course Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Joy and Uncle Chuck from Hey Arnold!, who were accused of getting into some tongue-in-the-booty action on a Thanksgiving episode!

It is the age of the rim job! Drake supposedly lives for it and Lance Armstrong’s b-hole ring supposedly tingles whenever he sees a tongue. Well, now an old ass scene from a Thanksgiving episode of the late-90s and early aughts Nickelodeon cartoon Hey Arnold! has made the rounds on the Internet because some see a little butt munching action going down. After Arnold and Helga leave Thanksgiving dinner, it kind of looks like Uncle Chuck is taking his mouth to Joy’s AssTown. I guess they do it the European way and have their tossed salad after the main course.

The scene is below (complete with a baby crying in the background), and if Joy’s asshole is on the side of her body, then yeah, they were pushing the eating ass agenda on Hey Arnold!

Because that Thanksgiving tossing salad scene became the Magic School Bus hungry, hungry anus of 2016, Hey Arnold!’s creator Craig Bartlett had to say something about it. Craig tells A.V. Club that Uncle Chuck is eating a turkey, not Joy’s ham hole:

“The scene is from ‘Arnold’s Thanksgiving,’ and the kids are leaving Mr. Simmons’ apartment, where his family is arguing at the table. That’s Uncle Chuck eating a turkey with his hands. I assure you it was never intended to be what the guy tweeted it was.”

Sure, Craig, sure. But now that Craig mentions it, it looks like Uncle Chuck is eating a turkey leg, a turkey leg that is also in Joy’s butt. Rim jobs and food play?! Those Hey Arnold! animators were some sucio tricks!


Birthday Sluts

May 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Kylie Minogue (48)
Joseph Cross (30)
Seth Rollins (30)
Carey Mulligan (31)
Colbie Caillat (31)
Alexa Davalos (34)
Aaron Schock (35)
Jesse Bradford (37)
Jake Johnson (38)
Elisabeth Hassleback (39)
Chiara Mastroianni (44)
Marco Rubio (45)
Justin Kirk (47)
Glen Rice (49)
Christa Miller (52)
James Michael Tyler (54)
Michelle Collins (54)
Patch Adams (71)
John Fogerty (71)
Rudy Giuliani (72)
Gladys Knight (72)
Sondra Locke (69 or 72)
Carroll Baker (85)


Night Crumbs

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

It takes real glamour and elegance to pull away the spotlight from those exquisite eyebrows in the back, but Mimi managed to do it by looking like the kind of demure biker tramp who causes grown men to hit each other with bottles – Lainey Gossip

Bravo is squirting out 7 new shows and none of them are a reboot of Gallery Girls, so I don’t care – Reality Tea

Kaley Cuoco is moving at Kaley Cuoco speeds of fast with her new piece – Celebitchy

Every Trick In The World Is Wearing a Choker Like It’s 1992 Again: The Charlotte McKinney Edition – Drunken Stepfather

Every Trick In The World Is Wearing A Choker Like It’s 1992 Again: The Bella Hadid Edition – Hollywood Tuna

Kanye and Kim Kartrashian are suing a bodyguard who spilled a bunch of shit that’s most likely true – The Superficial

Whip up some donkey sauce lube and get into this Guy Fieri erotica – Egotastic!

Vladimir Putin and Elton John aren’t going to have a gay rights kiki anymore – Towleroad

Justin Bieber got sued for alleged song thievery. The only reasonable response to that is: IMPRISON HIM IMMEDIATELY! – Starcasm

Rich entitled brat is dating (alleged) rich entitled brat – IDLYITW

Megan Fox talked about growing a baby in her body – Popsugar

At least someone is bringing classic glamour to the prom! – OMG Blog

Puck from Glee finally got indicted for child porn possession – Just Jared

Dynasty turned 35 yesterday and I just slapped myself Alexis-style for not knowing this, and the country should also slap itself Alexis-style for not declaring it a national holiday – Boy Culture

That thing on Sir Patrick Stewart’s head looks like it was made with fur pulled off of a cat’s hairbrush, but I still would – SOW

Pic: Splash


This Is What James Franco Did To “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Last month, we all found out that the greatest cinematic genius of our time James Franco wet farted up a wave of pure sloppy HIGH ART all over the piece of trash classic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? by turning it into a lesbian vampire movie. Well, now here’s the trailer and it’ll make you ask yourself the question, “Michael, may I slap you for posting this butchery?” But after spending a huge chunk of my day reading and writing about the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp situation, this trailer is a breath of fresh foolery.

As we know, Tori Spelling plays the mom in this one, and the psychotic, murdering boyfriend play by Ivan Sergei has been replaced with a psychotic, murdering vampire girlfriend. James Franco directed and James Iha of Smashing Pumpkins did the score. This trailer looks like something from the mind of a first year community college film student who believes they’re the next Dario Argento. (“So you mean it looks like something from the mind of James Franco?” – you)

And I bet that there’s a major PLOT TWIST at the end. We find out that the real danger to the girl isn’t her vampire girlfriend, it’s her mom who is really Billy the Puppet in a blond wig.

via Vulture

Amber Heard’s Restraining Order Against Johnny Depp Was Granted

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Here’s pictures of Amber Heard leaving the courthouse in L.A. today after a judge gave a thumbs up to her request for a temporary restraining order against Johnny Depp. Amber asked for the restraining order after Johnny allegedly hit her with an iPhone, and she says it’s not the first time he attacked her. In Disney’s offices somewhere, executives are wondering how long it will take to cut Johnny Depp completely out of Alice Through The Looking Glass. If they did, the movie would probably be 15 minutes long, and judging by the reviews, that may not be such a bad thing.

Amber showed the judge the bruises on her face she says Johnny gave her on Saturday night, one day after his mother died and two days before she filed for divorce. Amber also gave the court more pictures of injuries she got from Johnny allegedly attacking her, and she says she has video too. TMZ adds that Amber claims in documents she filed today that throughout their entire relationship Johnny was a mean drunk who abused her with his words and hands many times.

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Tom Hiddleston Really Could Be The Next James Bond

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

The vaginas of Tumblr are collectively shaking. Just like how James Bond prefers his martinis.

There was a rumor that Daniel Craig was offered $100 million to play Bond two more times, but he turned down that offer, because he’s completely over wearing a tux and fake fucking Bond Girls. Or he turned it down because he has realized that money is the root of all evil and he’s giving his entire fortune away to charity before he begins his pure life in a nudist colony in the middle of the forest somewhere. If that’s the case, I’ll also be giving away my fortune (of a raggedy She-Ra action figure and a checking account with a negative balance) to join him.

But really, the site Birth. Movies. Death claims that producers have seriously begun talking to Tom Hiddleston about taking over as Bond. Shit is so serious that Tom isn’t in beginners talks, or even in intermediate talks. He’s in ADVANCED talks with producers.

Choosing words carefully, our source confirms that while talks have indeed taken place, and that Hiddleston very much wants the job (a fact of which he’s made no secret), no official offer has been made – yet.

B.M.D. thinks that either Daniel Craig has definitely hung up his Bond swim chonies for good and the role is open. Or they think that producers are talking to other actors so that Daniel Craig realizes they’re looking to replace him and signs another contract. You know, kind of like the time when you wanted to get your ex-piece to take you back, so you tried to make him jealous by showing up to the club with a hot Craigslist hustler you paid to hump on you? What? Just me? Okay.

If any of this is true, then Idris Elba is being robbed, which is very “street” of those producers.

The producers probably want Tom Hiddleston, because they know that if they include at least one scene where he exposes his ass cheeks, they’ll make $1 billion in one weekend. All of the Hiddlestoners will watch and pay to see every screening until their coochies explode, and even then, they’ll just slap a Band-Aid on it and watch the next screening. There’s also reports that Jamie Bell is in talks to play Bond. Idris Elba is my only real choice for Bond, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Billy Elliot either. I mean, imagine how Billy Elliot would stun his enemies with his jazz hands and fly kicks? Dance, Bond, dance!


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