If the whole “master thespian” thing stops working for Judith Light, she should sashay into her nearest Barbizon and ask if they’re currently looking for a Professor of Posing, because she can turn the world on with a pose – Lainey Gossip
Seven years after we all thought that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was going to drop Hilarie Burton after getting one of his side tricks knocked up, they’re still together and are expecting another baby – Celebitchy
If you’ve got a piece of wood that needs sanding, hold it close to your laptop speaker and press play on Lindsay Lohan roughly growling out happy birthday to White Oprah – Drunken Stepfather
Great, I bet Ex-Countess LuAnn is just talking to Tom Colicchio’s sleazy twin brother again so that he can cameo on next season of The Real HouseMesses of New York City – Reality Tea
Why the Little Monsters are crying in Spanish, German, Italian and Swiss today: Lady Gaga has postponed her European tour – Towleroad
Oh, what a magical moment; the night a famous couple takes the next big step in their relationship. In Ben Affleck and and Lindsay Shookus’ case, that would mean going from getting papped while jewelry shopping to joining each other in a giant venue filled with people whispering about seeing them in the wild for the first time. “Holy shit, Ben Affleck is here? Oh yeah, he’s dating what’s her name…Snooki-something.” Truly one for the scrapbook.
If you took a peek on CinemaScore this weekend, you probably saw mother! had an “F” rating and instead went with the rest of the world to see It, which remained at the top of the weekend box office for the second week in a row. Even though critics have given the Darren Aronofsky-directed mother! a nearly 70% Rotten Tomatoes rating, viewers have likely renamed the movie mother!fucker, I can’t believe I spent $20 to see this at the fancy movie theater in town.
It always tickles me when celebs get into beef with one another. I always end up thinking to myself “You’re rich. Go sit your dumb asses down somewhere!” Today’s discount beef revolves around the Queen of Fake Hair and Titties Wendy Williams’ recently leaked bikini photos from a trip to Barbados. Everyone had something to say about the photos (none of it good), but you can always count on outspoken rapper, and ménage-a-trois aficionado, T.I. to always say the most.
That tub of Muscle Milk with 3-day stubble named Joe ManJello must’ve been busy last night doing more important things (like doing pinky lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his pinky, or doing b-hole lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his b-hole, etc), because Sofia Vergara brought her son Manolo Gonzalez-Ripoll Vergara as her date to the Emmys. And while I was calling 911 to report 45-year-old Sofia Vergara for disgustingly stealing Jane Fonda’s hair look, some on the internet were turning their chonies into a Swiss Miss factory by busting sixteen tons of tapioca crotch pudding over 25-year-old Manolo.
Manolo is Sofia’s son with her first husband, Joe Gonzalez, and since the children of celebrities will shrivel up and turn to dust if they don’t do at least one modeling shoot in their lives, he models sometimes. Manolo, who gives me a touch of Latino JFK vibes, isn’t really my type. He’s too young and looks too nice. I like the grizzled types who reek of whiskey, Irish Spring and bad decisions, and who never return my texts and start putting on their shoes one second after they bust one. But the internet’s nipples are getting hard for Manolo, and since he looks like a real-life cartoon Disney prince, they’re probably trying to woo him by making friends with birds or murdering their mom.
I swear, some people on the internet are so hard-up and desperate. Those horny whores act like they’ve never seen a man befor- Wait, hold that thought, I just saw that Carrot Top posted a picture of him holding a giant rocket dick and I need to grab the canola oil (I’m out of lube).
Attention enthusiasts know that the Emmys are a tasteful affair; you’ve got to balance out your ass with some class. Thankfully, Ariel Winter showed everyone last night how to do it. Ariel came in a dress by Steven Khalil featuring not one, but two crotch-high leg slits. Angelina, who? I’m sure her dress was very expensive, so for those of you hoping to find the look for less, I would probably suggest Craigslist the day after the next AVN awards.