Night Crumbs

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Damn that sneaky bitch Conan O’Brien. Thanks to a little skit on his show, everyone who Googles “Zac Efron putting his leaky peen on a ginger’s face” is going to be really disappointed and will have to pull up their chonies and keep searching – The Superficial 

Emma Stone as Billie Jean King looks more like somebody’s mother circa 1970s going to her weekend job at Hot Dog On A Stick, but I’m still into it – Lainey Gossip

Tobey Maguire is the new Ben Affleck, so says Star Magazine – Celebitchy

What in 90s tragedy HELL is Bella Hadid wearing? – Drunken Stepfather

A warrant was issued for Kim Richards after she skipped out on a few AA meetings. But even though her rep showed up in court and pretty much confirmed that she’s been skipping out on AA meetings, the warrant was pulled. Oh, that L.A. justice system – Reality Tea 

So I guess Amanda Peet really wanted to play Lara Croft? – Pajiba

Not even Brit Brit Spears would fap to this – Towleroad

The Porn Iguana continues to prove that she’s one of the greatest performance artistes of this generation – Jezebel

“I feel like I’m an inspiration for a lot of young girls…” is a sentence that actually came out of Kylie Jenner’s obese rubber worm lips – IDLYITW

And here’s Taylor Swift wearing coochie cutters… – Popoholic

Who cares about Lemonade! Kelly Rowland has some Claritin to peddle – OMG Blog

A PUPPEH!!!! (Oh yeah, and Bella Thorne is in the picture too) – Hollywood Tuna

FYI: Jennifer Lawrence hasn’t touched a peen in a while – HuffPo

The answer is: all of them are sex toys! – The Berry  

Superhead fucked Jay-Z once – Just jared

“Damn, I said stick it in slow...” – Zac Efron in that picture – Popsugar

People are selling rain water from the day Prince died on eBay, because why not? – SOW

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Tom Brady’s Got A Vintage Bieber On His Head Now

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Go ahead and add that picture to Tom Brady’s ever-growing gallery of one hundred percent pure hair fabulousness:

tombradyoldhairstyles

Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen and their kids strut out of some restaurant in NYC today after having lunch and you can’t tell from these pictures, but animal control chased after him, because they thought that thing on his head was a dead Lhasa Apso.

Yes, Gisele Bundchen was at one time the highest paid model in the world and was on the cover of a bunch of magazines or whatever, but the real fashion star of the family is Tom Brady. Tom has given us a douche mop (see: picture on the left), a douche tail (see: picture in the middle), a douche hawk (see: picture on the right), and today he looked like he scalped Justin Bieber circa 2010 and threw that trick’s hair on his head. There’s also a touch of early-90s Bruce Jenner in there. You know the Salon Selectives jingle was playing in his head as he strut in front of the paparazzi. Salon glow….

With those glasses on, Tom looks like he’s starring in a really low-budget community theater production of American Gigolo: The Musical and that really is the look.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By THE QUEEN And Prince Hot Ginge Dropping A Boom On The Obamas

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday the TSA sent me a letter saying that I was put on the Do Not Fly To Florida list, and that could only mean one thing: The Invictus Games begin next week in Orlando, FL and Prince Hot Ginge will be there!

The Invictus Games were started by PHG, and they’re a Paralympic-style sporting event involving a bunch of countries. Since it’s happening in the US this year, Michelle Obama has been helping to promote it, and this morning, she tweeted a video of message and her and President Obama pretty much puffing their chests up at PHG. (Michelle Obama also showed off her impeccable teleprompter-reading skills in that video.) PHG answered back with help from THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN spit out a verbal eye roll at the Obamas’ threat and that was PHG’s cue to drop the mic. I’m jealous of the Obamas, because I wish PHG would drop his mic on me, and yes, that’s a euphemism.

I bet that clip was highly edited. I bet that in the raw footage, THE QUEEN takes off her earrings, kicks off her shoes and goes after the phone while swinging her pocketbook as PHG and her Corgis try to hold her back. Don’t come for THE QUEEN unless she sends for you!

And here’s PHG making chonies go BOOM while working a tuxedo at the BT Sports Industry Awards in London last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kaley Cuoco Might Be Going For Husband #2

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Damn, I knew Kaley Cuoco moved fast, but this is clearly some kind of new relationship landspeed record. Kaley Cuoco has been un-married for a little more than seven months, and according to Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) she’s already thinking about getting married again.

About three months after Kaley called it quits with her tennis-playing husband Ryan Sweeting, she hitched her cooch up to British actor Paul Blackthorne. I don’t know what happened between Kaley and Paul, but it didn’t work out. A little while later she started dating a dude who rides horses named Karl Cook, who I’m guessing she met on a blind date that was set up by her pony. Thanks to Kaley’s commitment to Instagram, we know that she’s been seeing Karl for at least six weeks. Apparently six weeks is more than long enough for her to start thinking about getting fitted for an engagement ring.

Sources say Cuoco is hoping to become engaged to equestrian Karl Cook just as quickly [as she did with Ryan Sweeting]. During a recent visit to a newsstand in LA, a tipster says Kaley purchased a stack of bridal magazines with a friend.”They flipped through them all, cover to cover, and commented on which dresses looked the best. She went on and on about how much she loves Karl and confessed that she was hoping for a proposal – and soon.”

Okay, I’m calling bullshit on part of this story. No, not the part about Kaley Cuoco wanting to make it legal with a man she’s been dating for six seconds – I believe that. It’s the part about going to a newsstand and looking at bridal magazines that I’m side-eyeing. Who buys magazines anymore? Especially those expensive-ass bridal bibles. Besides, if Kaley was truly serious about marrying her new man, she’d be flipping through the latest issue of Inked.

Pic: Instagram

And Just Like That, “Live!” Has Become 100% More Entertaining

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

I stopped watching Live! right after Kathie Lee Gifford left, because I prefer my morning talk shows hosts crazier and drunker than a fly in a Red Solo cup full of Diet Coke and rum. But it may be worth watching again to witness Kelly Ripa get revenge on Michael Strahan and ABC by slowly chipping away at their nerves with a freshly sharpened shiv.

Michael was supposed to leave Live! for his new higher-paying gig at Good Morning America in September, but his “Bye, Bitch!” date was moved up to May 13 after Kelly got seriously pissed over everyone keeping her in the dark about his exit. When Kelly made her triumphant return to Live! on Tuesday, she said that she was happy for Michael and he said that he loves her, but she still threw him the same awkward and cold look I throw at a server at a restaurant whenever they tell me they haven’t gotten their liquor license yet. Things apparently went fine on Tuesday and Wednesday’s shows, but on Thursday’s episode, Kelly finally stopped giving a fuck and threw in a dig.

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It Sounds Like Drake’s Friendship With Nicki Minaj Is Pretty Much Dead

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Go ahead and pour one out for all the future nasty-ass lap dances between Nicki Minaj and Drake that will never be. In honor of the release of Drake’s new album Views, my liquid of choice will be a bottle of peach drink that I purchased with a Toonie at a Tim Hortons inside an Esso on Kennedy Road (that was the most Toronto sentence I’ve ever written).

Nicki Minaj and Drake worked together on a bunch of songs, the most recent being “Truffle Butter.” Drake even let Nicki drop her silicone butt balls on his lap at the end of the video for “Anaconda“, which is pretty much the clearest definition of friendship that I can think of. But their friendship seems to be over for now. Drake recently spoke about his relationship with Nicki during an interview Apple Radio’s Beats 1 (via E! News), and he admitted that they’re not talking anymore. It has everything to do with that slap fight Drake got into with Nicki’s not-fiance Meek Mill last year.

“I don’t really talk to Nicki. Another person I have a lot of love for. She dealt with me how I would expect her to—with class. I always have respect and love for her. Unfortunately, we haven’t spoke.”

That’s such a shame. A ~sensitive feelings~ type like Drake really needs a no-filter motivational bitch in his life who can grab him by the shoulders and shake some self-esteem into him every once in a while. “Don’t act like you didn’t spend the whole night stalking your ex on Facebook, I looked at your internet history while you were in the bathroom. Now come on, put on some clean panties, we’re going to the club. I’m gonna get you laid.

Speaking of that new album, Drake has been promoting the shit out of it today on Instagram with a series of fancy pictures that were shot by David Cronenberg’s daughter Caitlin. I don’t know why Drake is done up like some kind of aloof James Bond villain from the 416, but I do know I don’t totally hate it.

Pics: Instagram, Instagram

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Will Ferrell Is Not Starring In That Ronald Reagan Alzheimer’s “Comedy” After All

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Variety reported yesterday that Will Ferrell was going to produce and star in Reagan, which has been described as a “dementia comedy” about the 1980s president’s second term. The synopsis for it goes like this: At the beginning of President Raegan’s second term when he “falls into dementia,” an intern is told that they have to convince Reagan that he’s actually an actor playing the president in a movie. That premise went over as well as explosive diarrhea at a butt sex orgy. It went over as well as that joke.

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Kirk Cameron Gives You Ladies A Really Good Reason For Why It’s Probably Not Fun Being Married To Kirk Cameron

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you needed to be reminded that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life (which is why he makes the sign of the cross at any poly-blend shirt he comes across and considers Moe Howard the closest thing we had to Satan), I am here to remind you that Kirk Cameron is a hardcore evangelical who considers the Bible his handbook on life!

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The Guy Who Got Punched In The Face For Looking Like Shia LaBeouf Got A Call From The Real Thing

April 29, 2016 / Posted by:

On Wednesday, we learned about a 26-year-old dude from New York named Mario Licato who took a fist to the face in the subway by a random stranger simply for looking like Shia LaBeouf. Getting punched by a stranger is no joke, especially when it happens in the subway, because ew, gross. Imagine trying to find something in the subway to clean off the blood? “Let’s see, piss-soaked sock, newspaper tented over a poop, rat king made of runaway hair extensions. Hmmm…I guess try to tear me off a piece of newspaper that hasn’t touched the poop?

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