Afternoon Crumbs

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

The invitations for the worst day in history (aka the day Prince Hot Ginge marries another) have gone out, and on them it states that the dress code is dress uniform, morning coat or lounge suit. So all of you thirsty pepaw fuckers who have wet dreams about seeing Prince Philip’s peen outline in gray sweatpants will probably get your wish on May 19, because he’s definitely at the age of not giving a fuck and is going to show up in a sweats lounge suit – Lainey Gossip

I want The Notorious R.B.G. to put out a rap song called My Best Scrunchies Come From ZurichCelebitchy

Okay, but I think all of the Real Housewrecks of Atlanta need to go to rehab to deal with their #hashtagaddiction – Reality Tea

If you’re in Spring, TX and want to see Love, Simon, but are either cheap as hell or broke, Matt Boner’s got you covered – Towleroad

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Chris Evans Doesn’t Want To Play Captain America For Much Longer

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

After playing Captain America/Steve Rogers in at least 1.7 million different Marvel movies, it sounds like Chris Evans is ready to hang up his shield and tight blue pants and call it quits. Captain America is the second person this week that Chris Evans decided he’s done with.

Avengers: Infinity War – starring Captain America and everyone else – comes out a month from now. Chris will also appear in what is currently being referred to as Avengers 4, coming out May 2019. It sounds like Chris is done after that. During an interview with The New York Times (via The Hollywood Reporter), Chris implied he’s ready to retire by saying:

“You want to get off the train before they push you off.”

The Hollywood Reporter points out that Captain America is just one of several Captain Americas in the comic books. There are internet rumors that Chris’ Captain America might die in Avengers: Infinity War or Avengers 4. And they already have two Captain America’s waiting in the wings to take his place. Sebastian Stan (aka the Winter Soldier) and Anthony Mackie (aka the Falcon) are both rumored to be possible replacements.

Chris Evans first appeared as Captain America in 2011. Before that he played Johnny Storm in two Fantastic Four movies. So it’s probably time to get off the train before he’s stuck playing superheroes. But what is a basic brunette superhero hottie named Chris going to do then? Whatever he does, he better do it on the down-low, because the last thing he needs is all the other brunette Chrises (Pine, Pratt, and Hemsworth) finding out and following him. The trick is to get in early before the market becomes over-saturated.



Christina Aguilera Wrote Her Song “Infatuation” After Finding Out Her Ex Is Gay 

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

While Shangela is off telling Hillary Clinton to keep that guest house in Chappaqua open so she could move in and write What Happened 2: The Shangela Story, RuPaul seems ready to forget all about RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars 3 and move ahead to season 10 of Drag Race. Christina Aguilera popped by to be the first guest judge, but it was a little bit of tea dropping after the show that got bits in a bunch. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Taco Bell Coming For Doritos 

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

Pretty soon, you won’t have to worry about spending a half hour in a crowded drive-thru lane to decimate your G.I. tract with some Taco Bell – it will be served in a chip aisle nearest you! Someone might need to dial Doritos to say “You in danger, gurl” because Taco Bell is launching its own line of chips.

Eater says Taco Bell is saying its chips are inspired by its hot sauce packets and in no way should Doritos scream, “Bitch stole my look!” While you’ll be able to get a Basic Betty original (aka no flavor) tortilla chip, the company will also offer mild and fire to coincide with its spice levels found in its fast food locations. The chips are expected to arrive in May, and Taco Bell’s chief brand office barfed this up as an excuse as to why they didn’t try to get too creative with the packaging:

“Our sauce packets are one of the brand’s most unique aspects and were the natural choice for both the flavors and packaging of our tortilla chips.”

While it may look like Taco Bell is Single White Female-ing Doritos, it sounds like this doesn’t spoil the existing Taco Bell/Doritos partnership (Doritos makes taco shells for certain tacos at the chain). A Taco Bell spokesperson said they are open to all sorts of ways to send you into cardiac arrest (in so many words), and continuing the Frito-Lay/Doritos relationship is one of them! This is all fine and dandy, but my obese redneck childhood will not be pleased until Taco Bell starts churning out those diabetes puffs cinnamon twists to grocery stores, too!

Pic: Taco Bell


Craigslist Has Shut Down Their Personals Section Thanks To Congress 

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

Traditional sluts who still used Craigslist’s casual encounters section are pouring out a bottle of Wet Platinum lube today over the loss of a classic ho shit tool. Craigslist has closed the sticky, greasy doors of their personals section (which includes casual encounters and missed connections) after U.S. Congress passed an anti-sex trafficking law to make it easier for victims of sex trafficking and prosecutors to sue and go after sites for posting ads from sex traffickers. While the bill was presented as a way to fight sex trafficking, it’s messing with sex workers and other people just looking to bone another consenting adult. You all better collect possible fuck pieces on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder and AdultFriendFinder before they’re next!

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Drew Barrymore Doesn’t Hate Jake Gyllennhaal

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

During a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts on Wednesday night’s episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden, Drew Barrymore was faced with the lose-lose decision of ranking the talent of three past co-stars or eating turkey nuts. Drew is a vegetarian, so she avoided eating those balls by saying that Jake Gyllenhaal – her co-star in Donnie Darko – was the least talented out of a group that included Adam Sandler and Hugh Grant. But Drew isn’t a completely cold-hearted Gyllenhaater. Last night she extended an olive branch to Jake by showing up to the second season premiere of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet with a sign professing her love for him.

She also told Entertainment Tonight her answer was based solely on the fact that she didn’t want to scarf down those turkey balls.

“It was all fun and games and then every headline today was like, ‘Drew Barrymore says Jake Gyllenhaal’s the least talented actor she’s ever worked with.’ And I was like, no! Nobody reads the fine print, so I don’t even need to talk about it. All you need to know is this.”

But we haven’t heard from the talentless hack himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. He probably had one of two reactions: he doesn’t give a turkey’s left nut about any of this, or (and the most likely option) he’s extremely hurt, and has been trying to write Drew a letter about his feelings, but the ink keeps getting blurred by his tears. Really Drew, Jake deserves more than just a crummy half-assed sign. That sign was YARD SALE-quality at best. She better get working on a billboard, and please – give it some pizazz this time.


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