On the bright side, we’ll always have those pictures of Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom on vacation in Sardinia with a very special appearance by his dick. On the downside, we still have those nightmare-making pictures of Katy and Orlando dressed up as Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump for Halloween.
The slogan: You Bet Your Sweet Aspercreme!
Aspercreme sounds like the name of a soothing ointment you smear on your swollen b-hole after Bengay nails you right, and it is a cream that temporarily relieves pain and is supposed to help with swelling, but I don’t think you’re supposed to smear it on your b-hole. Not that I found out the hard way or anything. (Aspercreme also sounds like the name of a cream that helps people with Asperger’s.) Because Aspercreme is pronounced “ass-per-cream,” someone eventually decided, that hey, they should make the most out of “ass” and use it in their slogan.
I always thought that the slogan, “You bet your sweet Aspercreme,” came out in the 1980s, because I can picture my young gay self being SHOCKED and also loving it. But the internet tells me that, “You bet your sweet Aspercreme,” didn’t make its debut until 2005. Since this country is full of prudes and borings, many probably bet their sweet ass creme that the slogan would be killed right away and it was. It didn’t last long. “You bet your sweet Aspercreme” is already pretty G-rated, but it was replaced with the stupid and extra G-rated slogan, “You bet, if it’s Aspercreme.” Dumb!
Oh, Aspercreme, you can change it, but your slogan to me will forever be, “You bet your sweet Aspercreme!”
I didn’t plan it, but this is the perfect HSOTD for this Ass Wednesday. And yes, you bet your sweet Aspercreme that I’ll need to rub some Aspercreme on my face after the ghost of my abuelita slaps me red for making an Ash Wednesday “joke.”
Harry Belafonte (90)
Justin Bieber (23)
Lupita Nyong’o (34)
Jensen Ackles (39)
Liya Kebede (39)
Esther Cañadas (40)
Tate Stevens (42)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (43)
Javier Bardem (48)
George Eads (50)
Paul Hollywood (51)
Booker T (52)
Bryan Batt (54)
Maurice Benard (54)
Russell Wong (54)
Tim Daly (61)
Catherine Bach (63)
Ron Howard (63)
Dirk Benedict (72)
Roger Daltrey (73)
Robert Conrad (82)
Alan Thicke (1947-2016)
Leonardo DiCaprio’s eyebrow artiste flew all the way from Australia to L.A. to work on his brows before the Oscars. Yes, he paid thousands of dollars to get brows like that. Rich famous types are so weird. My cousin could’ve done that using only swap meet-bought tweezers, brown eyeliner and Veet wax strips, and she’d just have to drive from Rancho Cucamonga – Lainey Gossip
Donald Trump is just mad because Hollywood didn’t really get political at the Oscars and he was hoping to bust one while rage tweeting – Celebitchy
Wait, Manzo’d with Children had 3 whole seasons? The hell kind of shit does Caroline Manzo have on Andy Cohen? – Reality Tea
Bella Thorne is giving you day-shift lot lizard hotness – Drunken Stepfather
Kylie Jenner is looking as fresh as a raindrop sitting on a freshly sprouted daisy on a spring morning – Hollywood Tuna
BREAKING: There’s pictures of Jessica Biel from Oscar night without her thirsty husband cheesing it up behind her like a needy toddler on bad coke – The Nip Slip
For some, Ryan Gosling’s sister’s chichis stole the Oscars – The Superficial
Patricia Arquette is the latest to shit on the Oscars for fucking up by leaving Alexis Arquette out of the In Memoriam this year – Towleroad
Tilda Swinton looks like a bizarro world Ann Jillian in the trailer for Okja – Pajiba
Behold, a peen that has been touched by Katie Price’s precious vagine – OMG Blog
Selena Gomez and The Weeknd’s completely organic and not-at-all manufactured love continues to bloom in Europe – Just Jared
Like most of us, Ryan Gosling probably can’t stand Justin Timberlake – Popsugar
Oh, it’s just Justin Bieber and his manager wrestling to decide who gets to top – SOW
Emily RideAJetSki is serving the look-4-less version of Madge’s lace top from the Vogue video – Popoholic
After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
This brawl involving bagels is not to be confused with the brawl my hungover ass initiates at brunch whenever anyone goes for the last bagel, muffin or other bread item in the basket.
America has delivered a brawl caused by maple syrup and a brawl caused by spaghetti, and I guess our British brothers and sisters just couldn’t let us have all the classy food fighting fun. So BBC News says that on early Sunday morning, a bunch of drunk messes were on a train in the town of Hertfordshire in England when they started putting bagels onto the heads of passengers. Dougie Stew, who filmed and tweeted the Bagel Brawl of Britain, said that girls were pulling bagels out of their handbags and putting them on people’s heads while filming. Heaven is a place on earth and that place is a train where women magically pull bagels out of their purses.