Birthday Sluts

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Mel Brooks (90)
Lacey Schwimmer (28)
Kellie Pickler (30)
Tamara Ecclestone (32)
Felicia Day (37)
Rob Dyrdek (42)
Alessandro Nivola (44)
Elon Musk (45)
Aileen Quinn (45)
Steve Burton (46)
Mike White (46)
Tichina Arnold (47)
Chayanne (48)
Gil Bellows (49)
John Cusack (50)
Mary Stuart Masterson (50)
Jessica Hecht (51)
John Elway (56)
Michael Jacobs (61)
Kathy Bates (68)

Pic: TGP

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Night Crumbs

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson showed up looking like this to the Dior show. Instead of laughing at his jacked-up bangs, I’m going to praise him for bravely going out in public after losing a bet that involved him letting his drunk friend cut his hair like 90s George Clooney with baby scissors – Lainey Gossip 

We get it, Chris Martin, you wanna do RiRiCelebitchy

It came from the sea…… – Drunken Stepfather 

Now that it seems like CoCo has sadly retired as the Queen of Camel Toes, somebody needs to take her place and it looks like Erika Jayne has thrown her camel toe into the running – Reality Tea

Ariel Winter and her boyfriend broke up – The Superficial 

Survivor is $25,000 richer (well, $1.50 richer after lawyer fees) thanks to Mike Huckabee using “Eye of the Tiger” without permission at a Kim Davis rally – Towleroad

As expected, Abby Lee Miller declared that she’s guilty of bankruptcy fraud in court today – Jezebel

Two minutes after these pictures were taken, Brit Brit Spears walked by, mistook Natasha Poly for a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto and swallowed her up – The Nip Slip 

For why does Natalie Portman have Wonka Runts on her loafers? – Popoholic

Olivia Munn looks so calm and relaxed like she just finally pooted out a stubborn fart  – Hollywood Tuna

This is what Judd Apatow’s soft peen looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog

You know, now that Jamie Lynn Spears mentions it, “I Found Out I Was Knocked Up In A Gas Station Bathroom” sounds like the name of a country song by a Spears sister – HuffPo

Lamar Odom is reportedly still partying and boozing – Starcasm

Jay Leno lived to tell the tale of being in a car as it flipped – SOW

Ben Affleck’s chichis are looking as luscious as ever – Just Jared

I thought that was Dorinda Medley next to the Dalai Lama and he probably did too. Please nobody break his heart by telling him that he shook hands with a much less famous trick – Popsugar

Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest’s lazy ass has called in sick today. It’ll be back tomorrow.

Pic: Splash

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Lena Dunham Thinks Kanye West’s Creepy Ass Video For “Famous” Is Disturbing

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Because of the whole “writing about wooing her little sister like a sexual predator, etc...” thing, you’d think that Lena Dunham would appreciate someone selling disturbing shit as entertainment, but nope! The Taylor Swift squad member watched Kanye West’s creepy naked wax figure sleep study video for “Famous,” and she too wanted to scream for a priest to exorcise the memory of watching it out of her brain. Lena said in a Facebook post that it’s “one of the most disturbing artistic effort in recent memory,” and when Lena Dunham is grossed out by some shit….

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Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston Are Now Infecting Rome With Their Genuine Love

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

I am all for ToTay’s shameless world PR tour as long as they keep bringing that hot piece bodyguard (at least I think that’s a bodyguard) with them…

It’s been a little less than two weeks since the start date of Taylor and Tom’s contract Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s authentic love grew on a rock in Rhode Island and since then, they have moved faster than two U-Haul lesbians on speed. They went from Rhode Island to NYC to Nashville where Tom dad danced at a Selena Gomez concert and met Tay Tay’s parents. From Nashville, they took their “We’re Really, Really In Love” tour international when they visited Tom’s mom in England and Taylor’s stylist did her up in “old-fashioned English country girl” drag for a completely and private walk with his family and a dozen or so paparazzi on Covehithe Beach (see: the spontaneous and organic pictures below). And now they’re in Italy…. To Rome with UGH!

Taylor and Tom strolled through the Colosseum in Rome today, and she must’ve graciously let the paparazzi have the day off, because it was her fans who took pictures of them and posted that mess on Twitter and Instagram. They probably ended their day at a studio where they practiced riding a Vespa for their Roman Holiday-themed photo shoot for the paps tomorrow.

So, since they’ve met each other’s parents and are in Europe now, I fully expect them to elope in an extremely private ceremony in front of the Eiffel Tower at 11 in the morning on Wednesday. Their honeymoon in Bora Bora will be live-streamed on the Jumbotron in Times Square on Friday and they’ll show off the Baby Alive doll they adopted together outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London on Sunday. They’ll be divorced a week from today and Tay Tay will get custody of their Baby Alive doll.

But seriously, ToTay is looking so damn fake that it almost defeats the purpose of a PR relationship. Maybe this is one big performance art piece and Taylor’s artistic commentary on how her relationships are perceived by the media. Naw, I’m giving her ass too much credit.

Pics: @Style89, Wenn.com

Suge Knight Is Suing Chris Brown

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.

Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?

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Open Post: Hosted By The Biker Hooker Elegance Dripping Off Of Mimi

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Ever since I watched a drunk chick artfully barf into a champagne flute during the brunch buffet at The Mirage, I’ve known that one of my favorite cities Las Vegas is the country’s epicenter of pure class. So the demure butterfly we all know as Mimi chose the perfect ensemble to wear during a night out in the class capital of America.

Mimi did herself up like the day-shift headliner of a truck stop strip club on the outskirts of Laughlin, NV to make her DJ debut at 1OAK. The thought of Mimi DJ’ing made me laugh, because I pictured her lounging on a velvet settee in front of a laptop and making her minion push the buttons for her as she sipped on pink champagne. But DJ Hello Titties actually stood up and wore headphones and everything! DJ Wonky McValtrex, who?!

But back to that stunning outfit… Jazz dancer tights + fishnets  + garter belts = CLASSY OVERLOAD. Mimi outdid herself in the elegance department. She looks like the Cowardly Lion in Vanity cosplay and that is the look of all looks. And Mimi brought a double dose of glamour to 1OAK on Saturday night, because that manager everyone hates escorted her while looking like a Pussycat Doll who was fired from the group due to Nicole Scherzinger’s jealousy!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Winona Ryder Gave Her Thoughts About The Abuse Allegations Against Johnny Depp

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

It was only a matter of time before someone asked Winona Ryder to spill out her thoughts about Amber Heard accusing Johnny Depp of abuse. Johnny Depp’s first wife Lori Ann Allison and Sherilyn Fenn both took a spot on Team Scarves. Vanessa Paradis also defended Johnny hard by saying that he never got violent with her and the allegations are “outrageous.” Winona was talking to Time about her new Netflix show Stranger Things when she asked about her ex’s alleged lady beating ways. Winona’s publicist either was not there or was taking a piss break, because they probably would’ve tackled her and put their hands over her mouth as soon as Johnny’s name was brought up.

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50 Cent Got Arrested For Swearing This Weekend

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Don’t panic. Members of congress didn’t unanimously vote to criminalize swearing in the United States while you were busy couch napping this weekend. And thank god, because if swearing was illegal, I’d probably end up serving 16 consecutive life sentences for the nastiness that comes out of my toilet mouth. This actually happened at an event in St. Kitts in the Caribbean, and it was all because 50 Cent said the word “motherfucker.

According to TMZ, 50 Cent was booked to host an event in St. Kitts on Saturday night. 50 Cent’s rep claims he was only scheduled to host, but he ended up performing “P.I.M.P.” Sources say he was warned ahead of time not to cuss, because certain swear words are illegal there (Ned Flanders is totally booking his next vacation in St. Kitts). But as you can see, 50 Cent clearly forgot about that whole “no swearing” thing.

#50cent #PIMP #stkitts #stkittsmusicvestifle

A video posted by Samantha Stowe (@yayysamm) on

One of the 40,000 people in attendance must not have appreciated 50 Cent’s repeated use of the word “motherfucker“, because the police were waiting for him after the show. 50 was arrested, taken to the police station, and booked for using profanity in public. He has since paid a fine and has returned home. His rep released a statement saying that the concert was a success, and adds that the next time 50 Cent goes to St. Kitts, he’ll “leave the motherfuckers in the United States.

50 Cent is as good at staying out of legal trouble as he is at not being an asshole, apparently. Honestly, how difficult would it have been to not say motherfucker? Motherfucker turns into anything. Mother father. Muppet fluffer. Mustard brother. Macaroni. Monday Friday. Obviously none of those make any mother fucking sense. But if it came down to saying “motherfucker” or spending time in a Caribbean jail cell, my vote is singing about a mustard brother.

Pic: Wenn.com

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The Raw Emotions Poured Out Of Sheila E. During Her Prince Tribute Last Night

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Approximately 35 milliseconds after Madge warbled out her tribute to Prince while dressed like Willy Wonka Goes To The Bordello at the Billboard Music Awards last month, BET released a shady tweet where they declared in so many words that their tribute to Prince would be better. They tweeted, “Yeah, we saw that. Don’t worry. We got you.” When they said, “We got you,” they must have meant that they were going to cover our eyeballs and fill our ear holes with so much Prince that we’d find ourselves shitting purple glitter afterward.

There were several Prince tributes during the BET Awards and everyone from Jennifer Hudson to Stevie Wonder to Janelle Monae to Erykah Badu to The Roots partook in one. You can watch all of the tributes here. But the biggest one came from one of Prince’s muses and collaborators Sheila E. While dressed like a member of a cult led by Mr. T, Sheila E. closed the BET Awards with a medley of The Purple One’s hits. Sheila E. drummed! Sheila E. danced! Sheila E. sang! And she did it all barefoot!

Sheila E. worked it so damn hard and sweat so much that I expected her to melt into a puddle on stage. I think I burned at least 1,000 calories just from watching her. The video of Sheila E.’s Prince tribute (with cameos from Mayte Garcia, Jerome Benton and a special purple guitar) auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.

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Alicia Keys Went SANS FARDS On The BET Awards Red Carpet

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

During a recent Lenny Letter essay titled Time to Uncover, Alicia Keys wrote about how she was taking a break from makeup because she didn’t “want to cover up anymore.” Alicia is clearly very serious about the whole #nomakeup thing, because last night she sashayed onto the red carpet of the BET Awards in a face covered in nothing.

Alicia is one of the very lucky few who can do #nomakeup and still look like a human person. Her skin/eyes/mouth/eyebrows all look like what they’re supposed to. When I do no makeup, I look like something from a remake of Eraserhead by Harmony Korine. My mouth looks like a Biggest Loser before-and after of an awkward pink slug. My eyes like two puffy slits with creepy little see-through lashes. The two patchy hairlike skidmarks above my eyes that can barely be classified as eyebrows (my eyebrows truly bring shame to the Dlisted family). So, good for you for going without makeup, Alicia. And if she really wants to make it a permanent thing, I would volunteer to take any and all makeup she decides to get rid of. I very clearly need it.

Alicia also carried the low-maintenance theme into her ensemble as well.

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