Afternoon Crumbs

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Amal and George Clooney got in a photo-op with the Pope during their visit to Italy, because well, he wants to give the media as many pictures of him with leaders as possible for when he runs for president. Even the Pope is looking at George like, “Bitch, I see what you’re doing.” – Lainey Gossip 

A vigil has been set for Harambe, the gorilla who was killed at the Cincinnati Zoo and whose death is definitely going to lead to a Planet of the Apes-like uprising – Towleroad

Oh shit, these youngins’ are starting to wear spaghetti strap tops over plain white t-shirts. The 90s are officially back and are officially shitting all over our eyes – Hollywood Tuna 

How many times do you think Brit Brit Spears pissed in the pool during the making of this video? – Drunken Stepfather

The showrunner for Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix show quit that bitch after not even a month – Celebitchy

Topher Grace got married – Just Jared

Yes, I just spent a couple of minutes of my Memorial Day staring at JLo’s tiny camel toe – Popoholic

Charlize Theron threw Emily Blunt a baby shower – Popsugar

Countess LuAnn is fucking on Sonja Morgan’s leftovers, so says Ramona SingerReality Tea 

Pic: AP

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Open Post: Hosted By Jane Fonda Giving You An Important Styling Tip

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

When you have to pass through the kitchen of a restaurant to leave through the backdoor because you want to outwit the paparazzi, and dough that the pizza chef was twirling in the air lands on your head, do what Jane Fonda did outside of Dan Tana’s in West Hollywood last night. Go with it and work that pizza dough beret like a world-renowned designer (think Christina Applegate in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead) created it just for you. Who cares if your pooch throws a look at the camera like, “Can you believe I have to be seen with her while she’s wearing that shit on her head?”

It’s not delivery. It’s not DiGiorno. It’s fashion, bitch!

Pics: Splash

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So, It Looks Like Keira Knightley And The Director Of “Begin Again” Are Never Going To Work Together Again

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

John Carney, the director of Once, is out there pushing his new movie Sing Street and while he’s got our attention, he’d like to tell us how he pretty much hated working with Keira Knightley and that he learned he’ll never cast a “supermodel” like her again.

Begin Again starred Keira Knightley as a singer-songwriter type who gets discovered by a once-successful record executive played by Mark Ruffalo. Adam Levine is also in it and he basically plays Adam Levine. I watched Begin Again a couple of years ago after it came out on HBO or Starz or whatever, and I didn’t think it was the worse thing and I definitely didn’t call up my cable company and say, “You better give me a partial refund, because I just struggled through a shit show of a movie that killed pieces of my soul and it’s all Keira Knightley’s fault!” (However, I may have done that after watching A Dangerous Method.)

But John Carney, who directed Begin Again, thinks that main problem with that movie was KK. John started off his interview with The Independent by shitting on Keira right out the gate.

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Comedian Doug Stanhope Claims Amber Heard Is “Blackmailing” His Friend Johnny Depp

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Vanessa Paradis, Johnny Depp’s first wife, his daughter and many others including his ex-girlfriend Sherilyn Fenn have defended him and said that they know him to be a gentle daisy petal who would never even harm the gnats that feed off of the grease balls clinging to his armpit hairs. Some of them pretty much called Amber Heard a liar, and now one of Johnny’s friends, a comedian named Doug Stanhope, isn’t only calling her a liar, he’s accusing her of being the abusive one in her marriage and being a real-life Gone Girl. If you had to work this Memorial Day weekend, don’t feel so alone, because Johnny’s PR team did too and they worked damn hard.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

California Cooler, “The Real Stuff!

Many of us Americans will spend today getting drunk on white wine spritzers in between shoving barbecue-sauce slathered meat into our eating holes and tweeting, “It’s not Veteran’s Day, you dumb piece of stupid useless shit!”, at people on Twitter who tell us to thank a veteran today. And that could mean only one thing: It’s Memorial Day, the day we pay tribute to the men and women who died fighting for our freedom by boozing it up and stocking up on 25% off chonies at Macys.com.

While shopping for my weekend necessities at the grocery store, I almost bought wine coolers. But then I remembered that I’m a Sandra Lee disciple and a connoisseur of refined alcoholic beverages who makes his own wine coolers using Barefoot white wine and Tampico citrus punch.

Bartles & Jaymes is probably the most popular wine cooler in the game and Sun Country Wine Coolers is definitely known as the wine cooler with the greatest marketing team of all-time, but before any of those bitches existed, there was California Cooler. According to wine cooler history, California Cooler was the first wine cooler that was available to buy in stores. It was originally called Canada Cooler when it came out in the late-70s, but it eventually got a name change before it took the sweet nectar industry by storm.

By the mid-80s, California Cooler was selling millions of cases a year… and then Bartles & Jaymes came along. I guess Americans felt extra classy drinking a wine cooler that had the name of a mid-level law firm, because Bartles & Jaymes took California Cooler out as the king of wine coolers. Sales ate shit hard and California Cooler disappeared from shelves. A company called Majestic Brands announced in 2007 that California Cooler was making its triumphant return and they apparently shipped cases to stores, but I’ve never ever seen it in stores.

California Cooler was made with white wine and real fruit, and you knew it was real fruit, because there was pulp in it. So when you’re sunning your parts on your backyard patio today and you take a sip of your Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler and no pulp gets in your mouth, sigh and remind yourself that you’re not drinking “the real stuff.

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Birthday Sluts

May 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Wynonna Judd (52)
Kevin Covais (27)
Yael Grobglas (32)
Jennifer Ellison (33)
Devendra Banhart (35)
Remy Ma (36)
CeeLo Green (41)
John Ross Bowie (45)
Idina Menzel (45)
Tom Morello (52)
Mark Sheppard (52)
Tonya Pinkins (54)
Ted McGinley (58)
Jake “The Snake” Roberts (61)
Colm Meaney (63)
Ruta Lee (81)
Clint Walker (89)

Pic: Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince William Assuming The Position At A Polo Match

May 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Morrissey will tell you that Prince William is doing an interpretive dance where he’s playing the role of the British taxpayers who get fucked in the ass by the royal family.

While I know that DListed is generally a Team Harry kind of place, I also know that we will take what we can get. (Note from Michael: Speak for yourself, Martin. I will not take this, because I’ll be too busy sitting on this photobomb.) So here for your Memorial Day weekend pervy pleasure is Prince William doing what looks like yoga before playing in the Audi Polo Challenge in London yesterday. Both of them are pretty keen on sports so it’s good to see that he knows the importance of stretching and kicking.

Clearly, he’ still trying to make up for that disastrous disaster at the Taj Mahal. He knows what the old ladies of England the prying eyes of the internet are after. So don’t say he’s not giving back to the people. Before you drive yourself crazy with some top notch Google searching, I’ll tell you now that no, Prince Harry did not join him for the stretching. But, two other friends and/or teammates did. Do with them and Harry’s face what you will on Photoshop. And there are horses for you guys that really like to go the extra dark mile.

Pics: Splash

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Gwen Stefani Turned Down Blake Shelton’s Marriage Proposal

May 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Radar is reporting that Blake Shelton decided to take his genuine love for Gwen Stefani by popping the question to her after just six months of very public outings and TV performances. And romance or something. Prepare yourselves, the proposal story is straight out of the Cowboy Romance Handbook. I need a minute before I tell you what happened, my eyes are stuck in the roll position…

According to Radar, during an indoor picnic (what?) at Gwen’s mansion, Blake hid a $1.2 million dollar engagement ring inside a box of KFC. However, when Gwen found it, she didn’t yodel out a “yeehaw yes“. Gwen turned him down. If getting turned down by your girl after she pulls out a greasy, crazy expensive ring from a box of fried chicken isn’t country, I don’t know what is. There must be songs about this already, right? If there aren’t, you can bet your prize winning pig there will be.

Radar’s source types are saying are behind there were quite a few factors behind the decision. Gwen is still feeling the burn after the divorce form Gavin Rossdale and his nanny humping ways. The age difference between her and Blake is also apparently a concern. She’s 39 and he’s 46. The age factor is also stinging her in the ass because she thinks she’s done having babies and is worried Blake won’t be happy in a relationship where he won’t get the chance to be a father. However, her main concern is her three kids, Kingston (10), Zuma (7) and Apollo (2) and how they’d adjust to a new Mr Stefani.

What a funny coincidence that this story broke right after it came out Gavin is not happy about Blake being around his kids so much. Just like everything else with Gwen and Blake, this definitely doesn’t seem orchestrated! There’s nothing phony smelling about an indoor picnic and a ring in a box of chicken. Blake, despite being turned down, apparently told Gwen to hold onto the ring until she changes her mind. That’s really sweet of him. He knows what she’s going through. I’d need a cheer up million dollar rock too if this had been done to me.

Pic: Wenn

Melissa McCarthy Feels Bad For The “Ghostbusters” Remake Haters

May 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Leave it to the internet to hate on things that are mostly a serving of “ok! That’s alright!” When you have people losing their minds over shit like babies singing Adele (No. Just no. Get out of here.), but you’d think Hitler had made the new all-female Ghostbusters based on the internet reaction to it. And now Melissa McCarthy is talking about the backlash.

Last time we checked in with the Ghostbusters hate, Allison gave us the 411 and let us know that according to the numbers on YouTube, the trailer is the most disliked trailer of all time as well as one of the top 25 most hated videos in YouTube history. Really though? This is one of the most hated but The Huntsman: Spring’s Flop isn’t? To be fair, even Melissa isn’t a fan of the trailer. But she’s a fan of the movie and feels bad for the haters. Speaking to The Guardian, she said:

All those comments – ‘You’re ruining my childhood!’ I mean, really. Four women doing any movie on earth will destroy your childhood? I have a visual of those people not having a Ben [her husband], not having friends, so they’re just sitting there and spewing hate into this fake world of the internet. I just hope they find a friend.

Melissa isn’t exactly taking the high road or being business savvy here by saying the haters are lonely trolls. She’s got a a movie to sell and money to make and she’s telling the haters to get a friend, a friend who will definitely be told to not see Ghostbusters. That’s just bad business. Really though, if there’s anything to be mad about it’s that 30 years later and Slimer still isn’t the star! Also, this is 2016 so I’m hoping Slimer finds love in the form of a super sexy lady Slimer. Or at least another hotel room service cart. Everyone deserves love, even slime glob ghosts!

Pic: Wenn

Johnny Depp’s Ex-Wife And Vanessa Paradise Have Jumped To His Defense

May 29, 2016 / Posted by:

When we last checked in with Johnny Depp, his lawyer had released a statement regarding Amber Heard‘s allegations about him being a drunk and high abuser. Johnny was in Portugal playing a charity show with his band and going full out damage control by fitting hearing aids on the elderly. Now his family and friends have, of course, come out to defend Johnny and say what a gentle, seen non-wife-beating soul he is.

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