Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
FKA Twigs: “And remember, darling – don’t be photographed anywhere near her, or my Twitter mentions are fucked.”
Robert Pattinson: (too hypnotized by her FKA Crotch to respond)
Last year’s undisputed Dick Queen of the Met Gala and her still-manages-to-look-greasy-even-with-a-shaved-head Hipster Prince almost had a run-in with his ex last night. It’s 2016, and most people probably couldn’t give a glitter-covered vampire crap that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went to the same fancy-people party. But there are definitely still some Twihards out there who were no doubt reaching for the nearest brown paper bag in which to hyperventilate into after they realized that RPattz and KStew almost reunited on the Met Gala red carpet last night. I don’t know what happened once they were inside. Maybe they got together and did shots at the bar? Or maybe that never happened, because RPattz was too busy shooing people away from FKA Twigs who mistook whatever she’s wearing for a lumbar support belt and decided to ask her how much she would charge to move a 3 bedroom townhouse.
FKA Twigs barely stuck to the theme of technology, but Kristen Stewart did even less with the theme. As usual, KStew showed up in Chanel. She also apparently told the person doing her makeup: “Sure, silver eyeliner, whatever. I DON’T CARE.”
Despite the fact that silver eye shadow and some busted Hackers hair is literally the laziest way you could interpret the technology them, I am 100% into it. It takes me back to being 16 and blowing my first paycheck on a partially-damaged box of Frost & Tip and a 2-pack of Bonne Bell Eye DeFiners in Platinum.
A night of magic! A night of enchantment! Oh, the fantasy of fashion! Bringing to life stories of yore and shit. All manner of creatures made their way to the Meth Gala last night, so strong was the pull of photo ops and questionable clothing that it united the entire kingdom. There were the bridge trolls, in their traditional mud robes. A local sartorial celebrity, the old crone who lived in a shoe came to greet fans both young and old. And from far away Egypt came a mummy! How frightening! And the most fearsome and awe-inspiring of them all, the Grand High Witch.
We can only wonder who it was she cursed to prick their finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. Hopefully Rita Ora. God, we all want her gone. Nicole Kidman graced the peasants with her icy glare and showed them what a real movie star looks like. And what a movie star looks like when she goes all out Stevie Nicks, witchy woman – I’m looking at you Madonna. Accompanying her was the dashing Prince Mall Highlights (aka Keith Urban). Because of her position as Grand High Witch, she must toe the line between good and evil, keeping the balance in check. Let’s hope she graciously lent a magical touch to the ailing leper. If she can freeze time – and her face – surely she can cure diseases of the skin.
As the moon rose high and the party went on, she watched over the other creatures, thinking to herself, “Who the fuck are these people?“, the others none the wiser. For one cannot tell what goes on behind that never changing visage. Her time was not long amongst those lowly things and shortly after, she left to return to the night…
And I didn’t know that Backdoor Farrah got a job as a reporter (no offense to that reporter in the bronze sequined top thing in the back).
Anna Wintour and the other foolery providers of the Met Gala should just declare that every year’s theme is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME GOD LOOK AT ME. Because every year, one part of them tries to dress the theme, another part doesn’t even try and the others throw on some fucked-up shit and add a touch of something that goes with the theme. Katy Perry fell into the latter category. Last night, she answered the question, “What would it look like if Halle Berry’s character from B*A*P*S bleached her skin and starred as the Evil Queen in a low-budget straight-to-the-99-cent-section-of-the-iTunes-store reboot of Snow White and The Huntsman?”
Katy Perry’s Hunger Games funeral dress was by Prada and her black No. 2 pencil eraser hair was by Dixon Ticonderoga. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Katy hid razors in her wig and wanted all of those keys on her dress just in case she needed a weapon to shank a trick with if Taylor Swift’s Easy Bake Oven Brigade tried to jump her ass in the girls room.
The technology part of Katy’s ensemble was a Tamagotchi and her current piece Orlando Bloom also wore one on his tuxedo jacket pocket:
Yup, that’s pretty much how you win the theme. And Orlando Bloom’s Tamagotchi took a shit on the red carpet. If that was his Tamagotchi’s official review for most of the looks on the carpet, I agree!
When I heard that the theme for the 2016 Met Gala was technology in fashion, I naturally assumed an artsy ~fashion~ type like Lady Gaga would go all-out. I was expecting she’d show up looking like C-3PO’s art school sister in a full-body rhinestone-encrusted gold-plated mech suit that was so heavy and would make walking so impossible, it would take her almost an hour to walk up the red carpet. But then she showed up in…this? Did she forget the Met Gala was that night? I’m not saying it’s bad, but it’s basically one of Britney’s Piece of Me bras, a bedazzled waist trainer, a pair of pewter panties, fishnets, a bootleg pair of Naomi’s fall-down heels, and your nana’s favorite sparkly casino jacket. It’s all very “Uh…sorry, what was the assignment?”
And that’s to say nothing of what’s happening on her facial area, which I think can best be described as “Paloma Faith YouTube makeup tutorial.” Gaga also did this at the Met Gala:
Kate Hudson doesn’t seem to mind. In all likelihood, she was probably just asking Gaga to help her warm it up for her a little in case she decided to take a bare-assed butt selfie in the bathroom for her part-time boo Nick Jonas. Nobody wants a butt full of goosebumps, after all.
Here’s more of Gaga looking like a yard sale Spectra doll and Kate Hudson wearing what appears to be a dress from the David’s Bridal x Edward Scissorhands capsule collection. Also included is Kate Hudson “trying” not to flash her coochie while arriving at an afterparty. Someone get Kate a glass of water, she’s clearly very thirsty!
Doo doo doo do do do do… bus running over a puddle, aaand, splash! Make way for fashion! Fashion is here! The other hos at the Meth Gala, I’m sure, bowed down and squirted out a tear or two last night because their fashion dreams came true – Carrie Bradshaw was there! Sarah Jessica Parker, who usually shows up in, um, some very… daring?… ensembles, decided to say “fuck it” and rolled on through as Carrie 2k16.
Based on this get up, we can surmise that the movies are not canon and Carrie never married Big and moved into that huge apartment. Based on this, Carrie is still very much single and lives in her cozy little apartment with the closet basically in the crapper. Carrie 2k16 has also not realised that what was once cute in her early-30s, which were in the early aughts, now looks a little, “oh wow… she doesn’t have any real jewelry, huh?” Yes, I’m talking about that Tarina Tarantino looking mess around her neck. Carrie 2k16 has also seen Hamilton and decided to put a modern spin on that shit. The kids like Hamilton and Carrie wants to the kids to like her. She’s still cool, right? Right?!
Sad to say, but I also get the feeling the other girls don’t really talk to her anymore. There’s only so long you can listen to someone talk about shoes and the shitty men they choose to date over and over and over again. Charlotte definitely hit her limit years ago, turned to her one day and said, “Carrie, I have children. I don’t have time for this shit.” Miranda just can’t and Samantha is probably dead, right? That’s why Carrie now has to hang out with hungry, gay lizards like Andy Cohen. Carrie, you gotta move with the times or the times are gonna move without you. Also, how do you still have a newspaper column? I thought print was dead!
Many book of fables will tell you that bridge trolls don’t do themes, because stupid human novelties like that are beneath them and the only thing that really brings them joy is hearing the blood-curdling moans of their victim as they siphon out that mortal’s soul for giving the wrong answer to their riddle. So, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen rolled their eyes at the Met Gala’s little theme, “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” and instead showed up in their usual look: 400-year-old immortal witch who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan where by day, she runs a curiosities shop that specializes in vintage skulls of extinct animals, and by night, she sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping children where she listens to their breathing before stealing the dreams from their dreamcatcher.
Honestly, I’d be disappointed if they did show up in some silver metallic gown and didn’t wear sacks made from the dusty curtains they snatched from an abandoned funeral home during the night. No, the Trollsens didn’t dress the theme (“What do you mean? We thought the theme was future and in the future when we take over the world, you’ll all be wearing these sacks as our sweat shop slaves.” – the Trollsens), but they did partake in Vogue’s photo booth thing. Using leftover set pieces from Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream” video, Vogue put together a photo booth and filmed guests doing their own thing. The Olsens did their own thing, which was to the freeze the souls of everyone with their eyes.
In your nightmares tonight, there will be a long hall and at the end of that hall you’ll find these two waiting for you. Pull out your Purell brand of holy water and prepare to spray it at the screen.
SANTO DIOS! Oh well, sleeping is overrated anyway. I don’t need it anymore.
We’ll get to that “Showgirls meets SilverHawks” dress mess in a second. First we need to talk about the person wearing it, and how she once again attempted to just-so-subtly get some attention courtesy of Beyonce. As you may remember, the Who’s On First of people, Rita Ora, practically dislocated both her shoulders after throwing up her arms and waving “Over here! I’m not Becky with the good hair!” last week. Well, surprise surprise, she did it again at the Met Gala last night. Several times, actually.
On the left is Claire Danes in a Zac Posen gown she wore to the Met Gala, and on the right is Cinderella in the Main Street Electrical Parade at Disney World. Yes, that side-by-side picture is very “what it looks like online vs. what you actually get in the mail,” but Cinderella still wins it for me and I’m only saying that because she once waved to me during the Electrical Parade at Disneyland in the late-80s. And nothing made the life of a young gay me like Cinderella waving directly to me. Yes, she was waving directly to me! I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t start drinking until I was at least 11. But anyway…
Zac Posen’s people pretty much lit up the clits of Twitter last night when they tweeted a picture of the fiber optic Cinderella gown they created for the Met Gala. At first, nobody really knew who was wearing it and it was rumored that professional event goer Heidi Klum’s ass was in it. (Side note: Heidi Klum did not go to the Meth Gala. Mark that day in history!) The Heidi rumors didn’t make sense to me, because that dress wasn’t b-hole hugging tight and covered in cut-outs. It was Angela Chase in that dress. To me, it was just a rented Cinderella costume with some lights in it, but the Internet’s retinas oozed out jizz over it, because we’re all just stoned cats who ooooh and awwww over sparkly things:
And is prom season over? Because if not, we’re going to be hearing about a lot of girls electrocuting and burning their asses. So many of them are going to try to recreate this look using a discount wedding dress from David’s Bridal, Christmas lights and a portable generator on a dolly.
Given the success of Grimace, McDonald’s was surprised at the failure of “Smirk” in the Japanese market. – perky
On the next episode of “Oprah: Where Are They Now”… Enrique Iglesias’ mole. – perky