Tiger Woods Was Messed Up On Pills (Not Booze) When He Got Arrested For DUI 

That mug shot of Tiger Woods looking like a half-comatose Homer Simpson after a major donut binge is going to follow him around for the rest of his days, and if someone ever opens up a Mug Shot Hall of Shame Museum, it’s going to get a prime spot there. But apparently, the sweet nectar isn’t what gave Tiger that “Mac and Me on red wine and Ambien” look about him. It was dolls!

Yesterday, TMZ’s source said that the cops in Jupiter, FL pulled Tiger over near his house after seeing his car driving all over the place. The source claimed that Tiger reeked of booze and that he was “arrogant” with the cops. TMZ’s source must’ve been on whatever mixture of pills Tiger was on, because the alleged police report tells a different story. The Palm Beach Post got a hold of the police report and it says that at 2:08am on Monday, the police found 41-year-old Tiger passed out in his Mercedes, which was stopped in the right lane on Military Trail. The engine was running, the blinker lights were flashing and his brake lights were on. The cops had to wake him up.

Tiger could barely stand and fought to keep his eyes open (see: his eyelids preparing for sleep mode in the mug shot above). He slurred his words and had the tireds in a serious way. Tiger reportedly was confused. At first he told the cops he was driving back from a golf event in L.A., but then he changed his story and said he had no idea where he was. Tiger also got a bold-faced F MINUS on his sobriety test. He couldn’t do the one-leg stand and when asked to recite the alphabet backwards, he said, “Yes, recite entire national anthem backwards.” In Tiger’s defense, I wouldn’t be able to say the alphabet backwards if I was newborn baby sober, swallowed that Limitless pill and had the backwards alphabet written in front of me in giant letters.

The cops shuffled Tiger off to a testing facility and he cooperated. He agreed to piss in a cup and blow on a breathalyzer. The results of Tiger’s piss test won’t be available for a couple of weeks or so, but he apparently blew nothing but zeroes into the breathalyzer. Tiger told police that he’s taking all sorts of meds including something called “Soloxex,” as well as Vicodin, Torix and Vioxx.

In the statement Tiger dribbled out yesterday, he blamed his early Memorial Day messiness on the mixture of pills he took.

“I understand the severity of what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions. I want the public to know that alcohol was not involved. What happened was an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications. I didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected me so strongly.

I would like to apologize with all my heart to my family, friends and the fans. I expect more from myself too.

I will do everything in my power to ensure this never happens again.

I fully cooperated with law enforcement, and I would like to personally thank the representatives of the Jupiter Police Department and the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s office for their professionalism.”

Tiger was released yesterday and will face a judge on July 5.

Tiger’s already shit-stained reputation didn’t only take a hit, so did his credit card, reportedly. TMZ said that Tiger’s latest blonde girlfriend, Kristin Smith, was shopping at Neiman Marcus in Dallas when she found out that her sugar daddy was arrested for DUI. She apparently went nuts in more ways than one. She freaked out, cried and said, “I knew it, I knew it,” before going crazy on the cash register by spending $5,000. Oh, to be a Neiman Marcus salesperson when Tiger’s blonde piece screamed, “I knew it! And I’m really going to punish him by spending more of his money!”

I have no idea what “Soloxex” is, but maybe Tiger got confused about that too. During the days when all of Tiger’s side tricks were coming out to tell the tales of his cheating slut adventures, there was a rumor that he loved fucking while on Ambien. So maybe he meant to say “solo sex” instead of “Soloxex,” and was actually jacking off on his car while on meds before falling asleep.

Or maybe he meant “Solarex.” Naw, I’m going with my original theory.

Pic: Wenn.com