Pat yourself on the taint and collect your winnings if you guessed “3 months TOPS” in the “How long before Preserve.us completely fists itself in the ass without lube?” office pool. In Preserve’s defense, it took Dlisted 2 days to do that.
On Monday, Gawker called out Blake NotSoLively and her answer to GOOP, Preserve.us, for their tone-deaf fashion spread titled “Allure of Antebellum.” No, the spread wasn’t filled with a rich plantation owner’s wife in a hoop skirt and wide-brimmed hat sipping sweet tea as her slave fanned her. The spread featured pictures of a Blake look-alike in crap clothes you could buy from Talbots. The pictures are pretty harmless by themselves (except for those overpriced ass clothes), but Gawker called them out for romanticizing the Antebellum South and calling it a time of “beauty and grace” while leaving out all that slavery stuff. Basically, in Blake’s mind that era was just like Gone with the Wind. And with that, Paula Deen totally wants to get naked, lube Blake’s mind up with butter and make sweet, sweet love to it.
In their original post, Gawker really dragged Preserve by giving their article the “honest edit.” Example (the stuff in the brackets is Gawker’s work):
Georgia peaches, sweet tea, [owning human beings as property,] and the enticement of a smooth twang…we all love a bit of southern charm. These regional mainstays evoke an unparalleled [level of sociopathy,] warmth and authenticity in style and tradition.
That turned Blake’s mush mouth into a frown and she sicced her lawyer on those hos. Blake’s lawyer demanded that Gawker take their post down. That bossy slave driver! Her lawyer argued that Gawker’s piece painted Blake in a bad light (um, Preserve already does a pretty good job of that) and attacked her character. Blake’s lawyer must be new here if they thought that Gawker would actually take it down. Gawker didn’t take it down and they threw up the lawyer’s letter instead.
It’s shit like this that is going to bring Martha Stewart and Goopy Paltrow together. They’re going to put down their shanks, pick up a $1,500 crystal flute full of $5,000-a-bottle champagne and toast to Blake NotSoLively’s fuck-ups!
And it gets messier. Not only did Blake get Paula Deen-ish, but she might’ve pulled a Shia LaBeouf too. Just call her Blake LaDeen! Maria at LaineyGossip points out that a paragraph from a 2012 Examiner article titled “Southern belles: a beautiful part of southern culture” is really, really similar to a paragraph in Preserve’s piece. This is what the Examiner posted in 2012:
Southern belles were not considered chosen “items,” such as the precious porcelain dolls that sometimes lined her parlor. She was smart, articulate, and very choosy on how things were to be handled in her home. From the cut of fine fabrics in the curtains in her living room to the smallest detail in her kitchen, the southern belle of the 1800’s knew how to relegate authority and tasks with the ease of a hummingbird enjoying a rose bloom.
This is what Preserve posted:
The term “Southern Belle” came to fruition during the Antebellum period (prior to the Civil War), acknowledging women with an inherent social distinction who set the standards for style and appearance. These women epitomized Southern hospitality with a cultivation of beauty and grace, but even more with a captivatingand magnetic sensibility. While at times depicted as coy, these belles of the ball, in actuality could command attention with the ease of a hummingbird relishing a pastoral bloom.
For our sake, we should hope Blake copy + pasted that shit, because do we really want to live in a world where two minds came up with a line like “hummingbird relishing a pastoral bloom“?
But seriously, everybody needs to leave Preserve ALOOOOOOONE. They need to stop trying to take Preserve down. Because if Preserve goes down, then Blake NotSoLively might try “acting” again and that’s not something any of us want or deserve. We lived through Blake’s “acting” phase once and we don’t need to live through it again.