I once knew this girl who’s boyfriend proposed to her in a pair of old, loose off-white briefs after waking up from a nap. She said that even though she totally loved him and wanted to get married, it was hard accepting an engagement ring from a dude who looked like Donnie Wahlberg in The Sixth Sense. At the time I didn’t understand how gross that was (“It’s not like he proposed from the toilet while taking a dump, right?”) but now, thanks to seeing Adam Sandler profess his love to Drew Barrymore in a pair of old track pants, I do.
On Wednesday night, Adam Sandler reunited with his movie wife Drew Barrymore on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and sang a cute song about how they come together every 10 years to film a movie where they fall in love. Save for the pants (which I’ll get to later) this song gets 0% shade from me. Yes, Adam sucks at singing. Yes, Drew looks like she’s got a bad case of pregnancy farts and would rather be at home dipping a dill pickle into a tub of Americone Dream. Yes, Jimmy’s guitar playing is giving me flashbacks to Christian teen talent shows. But I will go to my grave hugging a VHS copy of The Wedding Singer, so yeah – I loved it.
Except for Adam’s pants. Call me Judy Prudy, but there’s something so unsettling about seeing a grown man wear loose pants in public, regardless of their varietal (sweat, track, pyjama, drawstring linen). It’s not right. I shouldn’t be subjected to the outline of your limp, lifeless dangle slithering around under the draped folds of a cotton-poly blend when you walk through the mall. I’m sure Adam Sandler was aware he was going on a talk show, so unless Jimmy Fallon sent a group of balaclava-wearing thugs to kidnap Adam from his home while he was cleaning the garage, and the kidnappers forgot to ask his wife for a pair of pants, there’s no reason for him to be wearing those elastic-waist abominations.