Well At Least This Proves He’s Good At Pounding Dudes

January 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Since there was no video of Kanye West going all Million Dollar Baby on that racist 18-year-old who said awful shit to Kim Kardashian at a Beverly Hills chiropractor’s office, I was forced to be creative and imagine what the fight looked like in my head. After my brain hit the snooze button 7 times, it finally rolled out of bed and painted a picture of Kanye busting out his sharpest hood rat moves by handing Kim his daughter and saying “Yo, hold my kid” before bitch-slapping that mouthy motherfucker. Yes, my brain imagined Kanye as Maritza from Orange is the New Black.

But that never happened. According to TMZ, it was actually way more violent and involved little-to-no wig-snatching (is it even considered a fight if a wig doesn’t get snatched?) An eyewitness claims that after Kim identified the kid, Kanye literally took him to downtown pound down 30 times:

The 18-year-old was sitting in a chair as Kanye made a beeline for him and, without saying a word, started slugging him in the face.  The kid was covering his face but Kanye was unrelenting.  Kim just stood there and silently watched the beating.

Kim stood there silently and watched while Kanye punched someone 30 times? Daaaaamn, Gina; that’s some Goodfellas shit. I knew Kim’s thing was getting a pussy get pounded hard by a black dude, but this is, as Cousin Balki would say, ridiculous.

If you’ve ever punched someone in the face (shout out to all the readers in lock-up!) you know that it feels like your fist is exploding into a million hateful wasps, so even doing it once is an instant regret. But to do it 30 times? 30 punches is marathon-level fisting; who knew Kanye would have the stamina needed to repeatedly pound a dude in the – oh wait, it all makes sense now.

And how did that kid survive 30 blows to the head? Unless Kanye was grabbing his hand and going “stop punching yourself” 30 times, that kid should be, by all accounts, dead, brain dead, or just a body with a mushy pile where his head used to be. Unless he’s some kind of self-healing mutant, like Wolverine; in which case, watch out for Marvel’s newest superhero, the racist loudmouth ‘Captain ‘Murrica’.

(Pic via Wenn)

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