Teresa Giudice And Juicy Joe Each Released On $500,000 Bail

July 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Orange is the New Black’s future cast member Teresa Giudice (or “Teresa Jew Diss” as some reporter on the news said last night) and her husband Not-So-Mighty Joe Young were in a courtroom in Newark, NJ this morning to surrender to federal authorities after they were charged with 39 counts of fraud and overall dumbassery. No word yet if Teresa’s greedy hairline was also charged with grand theft for stealing half of her forehead, turning it into a twohead.

NJ.com says Teresa and Juicy Joe were both released on $500,000 bail each. They both had to surrender their passports and they were told not to leave New Jersey or New York until their next hearing on August 14th. Juicy Joe also has to get drug tested. During the hearing, the judge gave Italy some bad, shitty news. Juicy Joe is not a legal U.S. citizen, so if he’s found guilty, he could be deported back to Italy after serving time here. As Melissa Gorga let out an auto-tuned cackle, the prosecutor listed the maximum prison sentence that those scheming whores could get if they’re convinced. Some counts could get them a maximum of 20 years in the clink and other counts could get them 30 years.

New Jersey’s U.S. Attorney Paul J. Fishman told reporters after the hearing that they haven’t talked about a plea deal situation yet. Juicy Joe’s lawyer kept their lips shut about this mess, but Teresa’s lawyer said that she will plead “not guilty.” You can read the entire 33-page indictment here if you want to know how fucked these two are. But on a positive note, thanks to the layers upon layers of self-tanner (aka sun diarrhea) on Teresa’s skin, she will look glowing and gorgeous in an orange jumpsuit.

Juicy Joe and Teresa’s bond was unsecured, so she didn’t have to grift a bank for the money yet. Actually, she’ll probably take out a fraudulent loan today anyway, because she’s going to need the money to buy black and white Louboutins for prison. And I never noticed this before, but when Teresa pulls her hair back, she looks like she’s wearing a fitted cap made of hair. That IS the look and she should work it in the cell block.

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