The Court-Ordered Wedding Of The Year Is Off

November 16, 2012 / Posted by:

After reading about the tragic death of Hostess, I just knew this was going to happen next. How can Brit Brit have a third wedding if Hostess isn’t around to make her a four-tier gourmet wedding cake? The words “I do” won’t mean a thing if Brit Brit’s breath doesn’t smell like Twinkie jizz and Fruit Pie filling while saying it.

Radar says that the court-appointed romance between Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck is almost as dead as her delivery on The X-Factor. Juicy Couture has stopped making a custom-made velour gown and UGGs have stopped bedazzling a pair of fleece bridal flip-flops, because Brit Brit and Jason’s December wedding isn’t going to happen. Some source says that Brit Brit is tired of Jason acting like he’s her master even though there’s a legal document on file that says he is. The source said this:

“Britney and Jason had planned to get married at the end of December, but they have been fighting non-stop so the wedding has now been called off. They are telling their friends it’s being postponed, but they will probably never make it down the aisle. Britney doesn’t think Jason is any fun and resents him because he acts more like a second father than a romantic partner, or equal. Britney and Jason have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a very long time. She has been staying in a hotel during the week because of the live X Factor shows, and although Jason stays at the same hotel, he is in a room adjacent to hers. Jason feels like he is Britney’s babysitter and it’s pretty much just a business arrangement at this point. Jason does love Britney and the boys, but he just can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with her.

Britney’s parents are absolutely devastated that the wedding has been called off. Lynne is very close to Jason and views him as one of her children. Meanwhile, Jamie feels that Jason shouldn’t have proposed to Britney if his heart wasn’t in it, and feels a little betrayed. It doesn’t help matters that both Jamie and Jason are co-conservators of Britney. The whole situation is just sad for everyone.”

So let’s see, Brit Brit and Sam MerLESS don’t sleep in the same bed, have frowns on their faces when they’re together and she can’t change her tampon over the toilet without him peeking his head in to make sure she’s not offing herself or anything. They’re already acting like an average married couple, so they shouldn’t even bother with that ceremony shit. And Piggly Wiggly shouldn’t feel sad about losing a catering job, because Miley Cyrus is still getting married soon.

And here’s the Louisiana trailer park flower going shopping without parental supervision in Beverly Hills yesterday. I’m not dry heaving over those UGGette boots on her feet, because I’m too busy staring at those giant bleached footprints on her jeans.

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