These Two Broke Up

As soon as the members of the world’s #2 terrorist group, the Beliebers, figure out a way to crawl out of their cribs, they’re going to start burning effigies of Selena Gomez and Barbara Palvin in the playgrounds. Just a quick second after everyone in the elementary school cafeteria started whispering about how Justin Bieber went to see  The Lion King with 19-year-old Hungarian model Barbara Pelvicexam, People confirms that Selena Gomez dumped him, because she kind of got tired of being with a dude who can’t grow pubes on his own. You probably already heard about this highly important development when your local news broke into Saturday morning cartoons to report this.

A source (aka a gossiping baby) tells People that the very first lesbian queen and queen of the Hollywood prom broke up about a week ago and she’s the one who cut off his umbilical cord. The kindergarten set’s answer to Ellen & Portia are over:

“She broke up with him about a week ago,” a source tells PEOPLE. “With them being apart so much it got complicated. She had some trust issues. It’s not easy, but the relationship needed to end.”

The actress, 20, and Bieber, 18, officially stepped out as a couple in February 2011 after months of dating quietly.

The crazed Beliebers are melting down on Twitter and the only thing more tragic and sad than a Belieber crying over Justin Bieber’s broken Cabbage Patch doll heart is the fact that me, a grown adult who can wipe his own ass (well, depending on how drunk I am), is writing about the break-up of two children. Excuse me while I go do something really adult like comb my She-Ra doll’s hair while listening to a One Direction song WITHOUT parental supervision.