Hollywood Is Trying To Destroy Us All

Get your bomb shelter ready, because the secret ingredients in a missile powerful enough to shoot through the center of the earth might be put together by the satanists in Hollywood. The Los Angeles Times has it on good authority that the Bieb has hopped on his Big Wheel and is circling around a “buddy comedy” co-starring Ashton Kutcher. The Bieb and Ashton are not bringing out their true lesbian selves in a big-screen version of Cagney & Lacey (Hollywood is not THAT smart). This buddy comedy involves holograms not of the Jem! variety.

This soon-to-be soul killing mess is titled “What Would Kenny Do?” and is about a 17-year-old who meets a hologram claiming to be his 30-something year old self. The hologram helps the Bieber weave through the ups and downs of high school.

Millions of toddlers emptied their penny jars out to buy a ticket for the Bieber’s Never Say Never documentary, so Sony believes he can carry a movie. And since The Lesbeaver and Ashton both have hair that will look better on Ellen Page, producers think they are perfect together.

Bieber and Ashton already have somewhat of a working relationship after they met to discuss the possibility of the former hosting an updated version of Punk’d.

Ashton + Bieber + Holograms = Do Not Want. Type that equation into any calculator and you’ll get the same answer. I mean, was a newly christened douche bottle not available to play Ashton’s younger self? The image of Justin Bieber and a Hologram Ashton Kutcher bonding in a high school gym locker room is most likely what Calvin Tran saw when he uttered the classic words: “Oh here go hell come.”