When The Pope Met The Saint

As expected, Pope Fracis met one of his bosses and God’s second-in-command at his palace in Vatican City. It was reported yesterday that Brad Pitt was supposed to tag along, but he wasn’t there for the most important religious moment in history, because Shiloh and Zahara went with St. Angie Jolie and the Vatican can only hold in so much holiness.

Dame St. Angie Jolie was at the Vatican to screen Unbroken and after the screening, she was summoned to the throne room in The Pope’s house to meet Pope Franny. E! News says that the meeting didn’t last that long. They gossiped about that saint-hating trick Scott Rudin and Pope Francis told St. Angie that he always sees her in pictures with a greasy hobo and she truly is a saint for helping the homeless. They touched hands for a second and afterward Pope Francis shook like a fangirl and was overheard saying, “Girl, I’m never washing this hand again.” The Pope should’ve paid proper respect to St. Angie by literally kissing her ass, but since she’s humble and gracious, she kissed his ring instead. That ring has since been protected in a vacuum-sealed bag and The Pope will cuddle with it every night. After the Catholic kiki with Pope Francis, St. Angie released this statement:

“To be invited to screen Unbroken at The Vatican is an honor and a tribute to Louie’s legacy as a man of faith and someone who exemplified the power of forgiveness and the strength of the human spirit. These are universal themes at the heart of the human experience everywhere.”

St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh (who is giving me “hipster going to a job interview”) also took this group picture in front of a portrait of a dove getting ready to attack The Pope’s face.

Well, Pope Francis hasn’t even been Pope for a year, but he had a good run. Now that he’s met St. Angie, he’s going to resign as Pope, turn in his white chichi hat, replace his wardrobe with all-black clothes and convert to Brangeloonieism.

Pic: Wenn.com

BREAKING: Brangie Had A Smoke-Filled Balcony Fight in Australia

A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.

Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.

By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.

Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.

The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.

I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!”

Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

That’s A Fancy Looking Undone Straitjacket That St. Angie Jolie’s Wearing…

Sin City temporarily became the Holy City yesterday afternoon when the deity that God prays to every night graced CinemaCon in Las Vegas with her ethereal presence to preview her new movie Unbroken, or as Goopy Paltrow would title it if she directed it, Consciously Coupling. Universal is releasing Unbroken in December during Oscar-bait season, and St. Angie Jolie told the audience why she wanted to make a movie about the life of World War II hero Louis Zamperini.

“I wanted to make this film because in the end, its message is one we all need now more than ever. It’s the journey of a man finding his way through the darkness and into the light. It is about an imperfect person — one who we and our children can relate to.”

Hmmm… Why does that sound like the synopsis of Consciously Uncoupling: The Chris Martin Story? A man finds his way through the darkness (aka the insane hunger, vision loss and stomach pains one goes through on day 25 of the kumquat water and seaweed extract cleanse) and into the light (aka In-N-Out whatever the hell wants it). Anyway, St. Angie was also at CinemaCon to let any possible Oscar voters in the audience know that Unbroken isn’t only a movie about a man’s journey into the light side, it’s also a faith test for Oscar votes. Do they want to earn a place in the light side (aka AngieLand aka Heaven) by voting for Unbroken for Best Picture and Best Director? Or do they want their UNGODLY souls condemned to the fiery depths of HALE by voting against Unbroken? A vote against Unbroken is a vote against God. When Oscar voters get their ballots, there will be two choices under Best Picture: “Unbroken” and “I Am Okay With Charring In Lucifer’s Den For Eternity.”

But you know, a lot of people in the audience at CinemaCon probably didn’t hear a damn thing St. Angie said, because they were too busy thinking to themselves, “How and why in the fuck is she wearing the pajamas that I bought my nana at May Company in 1983?”

Here’s more St. Angie looking like Annie Hall’s memaw at CinemaCon and also pictures of her at LAX with Zahara and Maddox.

Pics: AP, Wenn.com