Category: You’re Too Old For This Shit
A Rumor That Armie Hammer Was Going To Be Your Next Batman Is Probably False
Poor Armie Hammer just can’t seem to catch a break (outside of being born rich, blond, and beautiful). It was recently reported that he was in “final talks” to play the role he was practically born to play, a billionaire scion with an impressive collection of rubber suits. The comic book fansite, Revenge of The Fans, reported that Armie was as good as cast as The Batman, taking over for Ben Affleck in the upcoming Matt Reeves reboot. However, faster than you can shout “eat that peach bitch!”, The Wrap pumped the brakes and announced that nothing has been decided yet, and that at 32, Armie is probably too old. I mean, I get how Ben’s 46-year-old dad-bod Batman left room for improvement, but 32 isn’t that old. For a dude. Are they (fingers crossed!) doing a Muppet Babies version or something?
LeAnn Rimes Has A Lot To Say About Brandi Glanville
Brandi Glanville spent most of last week publicly fighting with her ex of eight years Eddie Cibrian over allegations that LeAnn Rimes had been social media stalking Brandi. It was all very he said/she said/both of you should stop talking. And for the most part, LeAnn has kept out of it until last week, when she doubled down on the dramatics.
I’m Actually A Little Surprised He Didn’t Show Up Dressed As A Vampire
Does he not still have that vampire costume from Dark Shadows? “Yeah, no. I don’t. Even I don’t want to be reminded about that mess” whispered Johnny Depp.
When I heard the words “And later on in the show, a performance by the Hollywood Vampires” during a commercial break last night, my first instinct was to run and grab my second-hand embarrassment snuggie. Sure, it’s just an old Popples sleeping bag that I’ve rigged to cut off all light and sound for when shit gets too humiliating, but it gets the job done. And when faced with the possibility of watching Johnny Depp define desperate cool dad in front of millions, I don’t want to take any chances.
I don’t know if Johnny Depp is the Hollywood Vampires’ mascot or what, but he should be. Nothing says “A sinister being has drained me of my hotness” like Johnny Depp’s face. But I will say this: the Hollywood Vampires’ pseudo-tribute to Lemmy wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Their performance was kind of like watching Johnny Depp, Joe Perry, Alice Cooper, and Duff McKaagan play Rock Band in the 7th layer of Hell, and that’s not the worst, right?
The good news is that if the Hollywood Vampires go on tour, they’ll always have a place to stay in Australia. While shuffling along the red carpet last night, Johnny admitted/mumbled to 7 News Sydney that Barnaby Joyce – Australia’s Minister of Agriculture and the dude who threatened to send Boo and Pistol Depp to the Rainbow Bridge – recently offered to let him stay at his house. Yikes, be careful what you wish for, Barnaby. You’ll need every environmental scientist in Australia on hand to quarantine the critters Johnny Depp leaves behind in your bed sheets.
