Twit & Twat Are Out Of The Jungle…. Maybe….

Because I have no self-respect, I spent 2 hours of my life watching the premiere of I’m A Famewhore…. Give Me Relevance last night. I really should’ve spent that time splashing my face with expelled douche water, because that’s what it felt like. It was Spencer Twatt trying to out-douche himself over and over again. Meanwhile, Horsey Montag killed the jungle animals with her crying face of death. When she wasn’t doing that, she was spraying her polyester mane with some kind of dry shampoo I guess she’s trying to hawk. It probably smells like dehydrated butt nuggets, hot period juice and burnt fleshbeard.

And what about that prayer with Patti Blagojevich?! If you felt a rumbling down below, that was Satan laughing at that mess.

But the biggest asshole quote was when Spencer said that if they quit, their charities wouldn’t suffer that much, because they chose the biggest ones. The sad part is that their shitnanigans proved to be the most entertaining part of the show. I really hate myself for falling for their fakery like that. But there’s good news! I might be able to look at myself in the mirror again, because TMZ says Twit and Twat have quit the show for real this time after all their threats!

A source says that following the live part of the show last night, the two dumb boxes of pube hair walked the hell out. Apparently, they didn’t come back. Unfortunately, that means they are coming to the States alive. Well, unless the producers care about humanity and blend them down into one of Sanjay’s “protein shakes.” They are both the color of yellow sperm, so Sanjaya wouldn’t even know the difference.

Twit & Twat Want Out

I wish there was such thing as CLT+ALT+FLUSH INTO THE TOILET, because that’s where this picture belongs. So why is Horsey Montag’s face slowly melting into her lap? It’s because she’s got the sads. Well, also her face is 99% plastic and the Costa Rican heat is turning it into an overcooked Shrinky Dink, but mostly because she’s sad. Heidi and her walking fleshy pube bush husband, Spencer Twatt, have been in South America for just a couple of days filming I’m A Famewhore, Give Me Relevance and they already want out! The reality show premieres tonight and Twit and Twat have already threatened to walk off twice!

A source told Ryan Seacrest that on day one of filming they complained about the conditions. The show is about a bunch of celebwhores trying to survive in the middle of the jungle, but these two dick farts thought they would be living the life. The source went on to say, “They wanted to be treated like stars. Spencer literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan.”

They also complained that the rest of the cast (which includes Janice Dickinson and Lou Diamond Phillips) just isn’t starry enough for them. The source says that Heidi complained, “I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed.”

Obviously, this is just some manufactured stunt that was created to get us to watch this desperate spectacle. Like Twit and Twat would ever walk away from a camera?! Not even if a tiger was mauling their pathetic asses. Speaking of, methinks Heidi doesn’t have to worry about anything in the jungle attacking her ass, because there’s not a beast on this planet (besides Spencer) that wants to put THAT in its mouth.

And what happened to you, Lou Diamond Phillips?! From La Bamba to Young Guns to 7 episodes of Numb3rs to THIS?! THE ECONOMY is really going too far, but Lou had other options! Seriously, selling your ass on the ho stroll is more respectable than this wreck of wrecks!

I Think Not

Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a giant joint floating down from heaven with Bob Marley riding on top of it. Breathe it in and hold it! Bob Marley is here to gently touch the fool who said Spencer Twatt is the “King of Weed” and free him of THE GIFT. I’m talking about the gift that is getting stoned. Seriously, the giant used anal bead who said that should never ever be allowed to feel the warm embrace of the green cloud ever again. IT’S A FUCKING FARCE (copyright: Kanye West).

The moron told Star Magazine that the breathing maxi-pad is a major pot head, “He was smoking it every day. He always had a big bag and would share with everyone. He was the King of Weed!”

Twatty also had a problem with dolls, specifically Valium, and went to a rehab facility in Arizona to break the habit. When he busted out, he went right back to the good shit. The friend added, “One day, he walked in on a party and pulled out a bag of pot and said, ‘’We are soooooo getting stoned! No one thought much of it, because at least he was staying away from pills.”

Twatty’s obviously not smoking up enough, because he’s still a major asshole. Lube up and sit on your bong, Twatty. Maybe that will help. Ugh. Can you imagine smoking out with this giant pube bush? He’s the reason why some people call weed a “gateway drug.” Because after a few seconds with him, you’ll realize that weed isn’t enough and you’ll start injecting your eyeballs with schmack.

Where Was A Tsunami When We All Needed One?

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you’re going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single “Blackout.” The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain’t even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can’t even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn’t get near these two assholes. It said, “I’ll fucking pass” and moved right along.

The Great TWAT

And you thought only Horsey Montag’s songs could make your ears attempt suicide? Well, you better clear the room of any sharp objects, because Spencer Twatt has a new “rap song” under the stage name “The Great White TRASH.” This suckery is being used to promote his new reality shit show I’m Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Skat Kat’s ass lips rap better than Fleshy McPubestache. I swear. Can we get Suge Knight on this NOW?!

Spencer debuted the song on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM show this morning. If you feel like you need a reason to kick a kitten, click here. I blame Vanilla Ice for this.

The Sanctity Of Marriage Is Alive And Well: Part II

File this under: Why am I even wasting bandwidth on this hot-blooded douchery? Yeah, brilliant question. I’m just doing this crap to get it out of my inbox and into the compost pile where it belongs.

Yesterday afternoon, those of you that live in the Los Angeles area were probably wondering why the air smelled like a dirty tampon lying in a dumpster on a scorching hot August afternoon. The answer is simple: Heidi and Spencer got “married” in Pasadena for like the ten millionth time or something. Surprisingly, the activists that believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman did not picket this wedding! I mean, this was not a wedding between a man and a woman. Shit, it wasn’t even a wedding between a human and a human.

I won’t make you dry heavey with the details. I’m sure you just want to know if either a) they both turned into a pile of ass dust after kissing in a church, b) a flock of doves pecked their eyes out as they left the church or c) instead of tossing the bouquet, both Heidi and Spencer tossed their reproductive organs into a pit filled with hongray wolves. None of these things happened, because the world is a cruel and ugly place.

If you are really hating yourself this morning and want to see pictures, just google “I should be shot for googling this” and VOILA!