Tracy Morgan Has Been Moved Out Of The Hospital To A Rehab Hospital

I sincerely apologize to those of you who where disappointed that the words “Tracy Morgan” weren’t followed by a picture of his gorgeous stretchmark-kissed bowling ball gut, but I’m afraid I might have eaten some bad yogurt this morning and my stomach is a basic bitch who can’t handle high levels of visual glamour.

After doctors upgraded his condition earlier this week from “critical” to “fair”, Tracy Morgan’s rep (Kenneth Parcell) has told E! that he’s been transferred to an undisclosed rehab facility, where he’ll continue to recover from the injuries he sustained during the deadly bus crash on the New Jersey Turnpike two weeks ago. His rep says that he’s continuing to show signs of improvement, but still has a long way to go.

I’ll be honest, when the news first broke about Tracy Morgan and I saw the pictures of the bus crash, my mind went to a dark-ass place; I was sure I’d soon be seeing Grizz and Dot Com exiting a sad strip club memorial service as a bagpiper played a solemn rendition of Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. But it looks like he’s going to be ok after all. Tracy must have a guardian angel watching his ass from heaven or something; maybe God is a big Brian Fellow fan.

Pic: Splash

Tracy Morgan’s Condition Gets Upgraded

It’s been ten days since the the New Jersey turnpike crash that killed comedian James McNair and put several people including Tracy Morgan in the ICU. Tracy was down and out in critical condition and there was a rumor that he was in such a bad way that doctors were going to Heather Mills one of his legs. Tracy’s rep quickly denied that. Last night, Tracy’s rep told AP that he’s slowly getting better and his condition has been upgraded from “critical” to “fair.”

I figured that while Tracy was in the hospital, he was spitting out nurse and bedpan jokes here and there. But Tracy’s rep said that his personality has just started to come back. Tracy’s assistant Jeffrey Millea was in critical condition, but he’s also been upgraded to fair. Comedian Ardie Fuqua is still in critical.

Kevin Roper, the Walmart truck driver who was supposedly awake for 24 hours straight before he crashed into that limo bus, recently pleaded not guilty to vehicular homicide.

Things are looking up for Tracy. Well, I guess that’s only a matter of time (and lots of painkillers) before Tracy goes from “fair” to “good” and is back out there gracing the cameras with his glorious bloated gut, cracking jokes about stabbing his gay son and yelling at pigeons for being pigeons.

Contrary To What You’ve Heard, Tracy Morgan Isn’t Having One Of His Legs Amputated

I might as well just write “bla bla bla Tracy Morgan bla bla both legs”, because you probably stopped giving a single fuck about reading after gazing upon the essquisit alagance of the pink cotton candy enchantress with the far-away eyes standing behind Tracy, and wondering why such a beauty is stuck behind a velvet rope and not sunning herself like a sexy mermaid on the hood of that car. Maybe they were afraid they’d sell too many cars.

Tracy Morgan has been laid up in the ICU at a New Jersey’s Robert Wood Johnson Hospital since Saturday morning, and unless you’re the nurse that hooks up his IV to a bag of liquefied lime Jell-O, not much is known about his condition besides his rep’s confirmation that Tracy’s body is in a bad way. You name it, it’s broken. Ribs? Broken. Femurs? Broken. Nose? Marcia Brady’ed. But on Sunday, as Tracy was being prepped for surgery on his leg, some snitch-ass nurse rang up MediaTakeOut.com and told them Tracy’s leg was about to be amputated.

But Tracy’s rep (either Grizz or Dot Com) tells TMZ that the rumor about Tracy getting the Heather Mills special is false and he still has both his legs. He is, however, still in critical condition, adding “This recovery will be arduous and we hope that you can be patient during this difficult time.” Which is basically the PR way of saying “Please don’t accept any collect calls from the nurses at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital.”

Meanwhile, Fox News (aka if your loudmouth asshole neighbour was a television station) says that the driver of the Walmart truck responsible for the crash that put Tracy in a chemically-induced hospital sleep should have been sleeping more himself. Authorities say Kevin Roper hadn’t slept in over 24 hours when he failed to respond to the traffic in front of his big rig. Maybe that explains why I can never find cans of Monster Extra Strength at Walmart; they’re all getting drunk on the way to the store. Damn Walmart, let your truck drivers take a break every once in a while, you greedy bastards! I think we can wait an extra half an hour for a case of Twist Up and a $1.99 12-pk of gym socks.

The Truck Driver Who Caused The Fatal Car Crash That Put Tracy Morgan In The Hospital Turned Himself In (UPDATE)

Tracy Morgan is still listed in critical condition at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital after a Mercedes limo bus he was riding in was hit in the back by a Walmart tractor-trailer. The crash killed Tracy’s friend and comedy writer James “Jimmy Mack” McNair and put several people in ICU including Tracy, Tracy’s assistant, Jeff Millea, and comedian Ardie Fuqua. Kevin Roper, the 35-year-old trucker driving Walmart’s truck, was charged with death by auto and four counts of assault by auto. Kevin Roper, who lives in Georgia, turned himself into NJ police last night and was later released on $50, 000 bail.

NJ State Police tells CNN that at around 1am on Saturday, Kevin was driving the Walmart tractor-trailer on the NJ turnpike near Cranbury Township when he didn’t notice traffic was slowing down and slammed into the limo bus. ABC News says that Kevin wasn’t paying attention, because he was falling asleep and drifting into mimi times. And everyone knows that when a truck driver falls into dreamland, it can turn into nightmareland. When Kevin realized traffic was slowing down, he tried to swerve, but he ended up hitting the limo bus before hitting another car. The limo bus flipped over, hitting a few vehicles while doing so.

The evil overlords at Walmart confirmed that Kevin Roper is an employee of their company and said that they put him on suspension while police are investigating.

Meanwhile, Fox News’ Tucker Carlson answered the medical question, “Can a too-tight bow tie cut off oxygen supply to your brain?”, when he defended the sleeping truck driver by saying that sleep driving isn’t always reckless. Tucker Carlson’s stupid mouth, however, is always reckless.

And as for who paid Kevin Roper’s bail… Witnesses say they saw a shifty-looking yellow smiley face in a trench coat and a hat rolling out of a New Jersey police station minutes before Kevin Roper paid bail.

UPDATE: Tracy’s rep said today that he’s got broken ribs, a broken femur, a broken leg and a broken nose and he’s expected to stay in the hospital for weeks.

Tracy Morgan’s In The ICU After A Fatal Car Crash In NJ (UPDATE)

Tracy Morgan and 2 others are laid up in the hospital in a bad way after they were involved in a serious six-car accident on the New Jersey Turnpike this morning. CNN says that one person died in the crash and three, including Tracy, are listed in critical condition.

Tracy was riding in a limo bus (Side note: Everything I know about limo buses I learned from watching Real Housewives) at around 1 this morning when it was rear-ended by a tractor trailer. The New Jersey State Police said that the limo bus, two tractor trailers, an SUV and two cars were involved in the accident. Police say that one of the tractor trailers is at fault and they don’t think booze played a role in the crash. Seven people were shuffled off to the hospital. Police believe that the person who died was riding in the limo bus with Tracy. Tracy was coming back from a gig at the Dover Downs Hotel & Casino in Dover, Delaware. Tracy is currently being treated at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in Hamilton Township, N.J. And I really hope Dr. Spaceman is not Tracy’s attending doctor.

And here’s a picture of the busted limo bus. It doesn’t look good.

#BREAKING: We have confirmation – #TracyMorgan in the hospital from NJ Turnpike crash. Accident vehicle @CBSPhilly pic.twitter.com/WmzAGIVMPg

— Steve Patterson (@PattersonCBS3) June 7, 2014

UPDATE: Police say that 63-year-old comedy writer and Tracy’s longtime friend James McNair died in the crash. Tracy’s rep also released a statement saying that he’s with his family and doctors expect him to stay in critical condition today.

“Tracy remains in critical condition at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital. He sustained these injuries in an accident that occurred early this morning as one of several passengers in a chauffeured SUV returning from a tour date in Delaware. His family is now with him and he is receiving excellent care. We don’t anticipate much of a change in his condition today but will provide a further update once more information becomes available.”

Tracy Morgan Returns To The Scene Of The Rant

Tracy Morgan’s tour of a thousand apologies pedaled into Nashville, Tennessee today, where IT ALL BEGAN! Tracy held a press conference with GLAAD and Kevin Rogers, the man who started it all when he Facebooked about Tracy’s “GO BUTT FUCK YOUR BULLIED TEARS, GAYS, ” rant.

Tracy started the week by meeting with homeless gay teens in NYC and now he’s come full circle by apologizing to the gay and lesbian community in Nashville. At this rate, it won’t be long before Tracy is PFlag co-president with Debbie and is waving the rainbow flag as the grand marshal of every city’s gay pride parade. This is what Tracy said at today’s press conference.

The first thing I want to say is that I apologize to Kevin and people that were at the show for bumming them out. I want to apologize to my friends and my family and my fans and everyone in every community who were offended with this. I didn’t mean it. I don’t have a hateful bone in my body. I don’t believe that anyone should be bullied or just made to feel bad about who they are. I totally feel that, in my heart, I really don’t care who you love, same-sex or not, as long as you have the ability to love. So now, at this point in my life, it’s an opportunity to make a difference, I don’t really see gay or straight, I just see human beings now. I pride myself on 20 years, 18 years of standup, of using it to heal people and not hurt. That was my whole thing. And I hurt people with this. So, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to everyone who I offended with my words on stage, in Nashville and everywhere else. I want to take this opportunity, to err is human, to forgive is divine. Thank you Kevin, thank you everybody, for your support. I just want to take this opportunity to help and not hurt.

Both GLAAD and Kevin Rogers accepted Tracy’s apology and they all hugged it out before making each other friendship bracelets. Here’s a clip.

Tracy and Kevin practically wore matching shirts too. If I put on a windbreaker, slide on a shower curtain ring like it’s a cock ring and squint while humming the melody to “Red River Valley,” I can practically see the new cast of the Planes, Trains and Automobiles remake. Tracy and Kevin will be in a buddy comedy together, trust this.

Well, that’s that. The Roger Ebert vs. Bam Margera Twitter war has shot its last character, the Tracy Morgan vs. the gays feud is over and now let’s hope that the battle between my bowels and Kahlua martinis comes to an end soon, because that shit needs to stop (literally).

via Towleroad