How To Make Chocha Cakes

Instead of writing about how Hugh Hefner is bragging on Twitter that he sticks his overcooked crypt noodle into several vaginas on the weekly, I’m going to share this educational baking video with you. It’s the better option for everyone’s genitals. This is a hungover Chelsea Handler (this is not a hungover Chelsea Handler) showing you the easiest way to get some creamy coochie on your plate next to putting your creamy coochie on a plate.

I’ll just sit here with my bag of mini malt balls and dried apricots while waiting for her to show us how to make anus cupcakes.

via Queerty

Kobayashi Beat The World Hot Dog Gobbling Record Today

The number “69” and the words “hot dog gobbling” are usually used together to describe a typical afternoon for John Travolta, but not this time.

Professional food binge-er Takeru Kobayashi wasn’t allowed to swallow cold hot dogs and soggy buns (the story of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend’s life) at Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating contest in Coney Island today, because he refused to sign an exclusive contract with Major League Eating. So Kobayashi went renegade and held his own contest at the same time as Nathan’s on a roof top in Manhattan.

Kobayashi’s arch rival Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s contest for the 5th year in a row by deep throating 62 hot dogs in 10-minutes. But technically Kobayashi was the world champion hot dog gobbler of the day, because at his event, he made his stomach cry tears of processed meat by filling it with 69 hot dogs, beating Joey’s old record of 68. Before pushing out his bloated muscled six-pack, the major league eating equivalent of pounding his chest, Kobayashi said this to the NYDN: “I think I showed them. I’m very happy about my win today but I feel like I’m not at my peak. I think I could go up to 90 or 85.”

To which his bowels, b-hole, stomach and the starving children of Ethiopia simultaneously replied with, “Please fucking don’t.”

Below is the clip of Joey Chestnut and my favorite food eater Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas making delicious hot dogs look not-so-delicious. If you play this backwards in slow motion, that’s exactly what their anuses looked like while purging out the digested hot dogs a few hours later. Pained expression and all.

And thank you to Kobayashi for showing us what Jillian Michaels’ body would look like if she got knocked up (see picture above).

In Your Face!

If you’ve ever dreamed of seeing the glittery yet dark RPattz up to his eyebrows in pie, your prayers have been answered!! Okay, it’s not quite the pronhub shit some of you hookers have been wishing for (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t eat that kind of pie) but here he is looking all kinds of delicious on the set of his movie Cosmopolis in Toronto.

Aaaand if you’re not a fan, you can point and “AHAHAHAHAAA!! In yo face, bitch!” See, RPattz is so thoughtful. There’s something in it for everyone!

Thanks for the pics MK♥!

Today Is Saturday, But Here’s “Friday” Anyway!

Stephen Colbert literally lost a staged bet with Jimmy Fallon and last night he kept his word by performing his rendition of Rebecca Black’s stirring torch song (meaning you want to torch that fucking song and watch it burn) and American classic “Friday.” Joined by The Roots, Jimmy Fallon and Taylor “UGH” Hicks, Stephen Colbert cooed out the best rendition of this mess we’ll ever hear unless La Pequeña comes out of retirement and puts her bump on it. If that doesn’t happen, then we can consider this the white rose on Friday’s coffin and we’ll all wave as the hearse takes it away to the Forest Lawn Meme Memorial Cemetery. Until the next!

Flight Of The Hot Chocolate

When you’re on a TV show that some people watch, sometimes those some people who watch your TV show on a regular basis and members of the paparazzi see you out in the wild and want to get a little time with you. This is a side-effect that some famous hos embrace and others don’t. Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords falls into the latter category. We’d all be mad if we were slowly turning into an exact replica of Peter Jackson, but DAMN, don’t take it out on your fans.

Jemaine did not like his fans and the paps crowding around his space in NYC, so he tried to shoo them away by Wicked Witch of the East-ing their asses. But one fan did not appreciate getting doused with a flying cunt bath and retaliated by throwing their tall cup of hot chocolate at Jemaine. That really is the most delicious retaliation ever.

Now that I think about it, Jemaine might have the magic touch. Jesus turned water into wine, but Jemaine turned water into delicious hot chocolate! Now, he just needs to practice more so the hot chocolate goes into his mouth next time.

A Pizza A Day….

You know that Hot Slut from this morning who walks 3 miles every day for a complimentary (just for her) cheeseburger from McDonald’s? Well, it’s a real shame she lives all the way in New Zealand, because she really needs to hook up with this 82-year-old lady who eats a whole large pizza every day. Together they’d party like frat boys with bowels of fucking steel. Although, Lady Domino’s story isn’t as feel goody Catherine’s.

Every single day, the 83-year-old Memphis woman calls in to Domino’s as soon as they open and orders a large pepperoni pizza with 2 Diet Cokes. The same shit, different day. She never throws in a side salad (which is basically just old lettuce and a tomato they picked out of the dumpster from the Sizzler down the street) or brownies. Well, one day went by without a call from her. The same thing happened the next day. Finally, on the third day, her regular delivery lady Susan Guy realized that something in the milk ain’t clean.

Susan drove to the pizza addict’s house, knocked on her windows and eventually called the police when nobody came to the door. It turns out, the woman fell down and couldn’t get up! Where was Life Alert when she needed them most! The woman is now in the hospital and Susan is planning to visit her soon with a fresh pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Miss Cleo in me can read all your minds. You’re thinking that the woman probably fell because she slipped on the pizza grease that secretes out of her foot pores. NO! Okay, maybe, but what else is she supposed to eat? I’ve never seen vegetable delivery services or healthy meals pulled out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass delivery services in the yellow pages, so pizza it is! Besides, she’s made it to 82 so she’s obviously doing something right. A pizza with a side of NOT GIVING A FUCK a day keeps the doctor away (not including those days that you accidentally fall).