Kim Basinger Thinks Women Would Rule The World If They Just Stopped Having Sex

During an interview with Elle magazine, Kim Basinger (who sort of looks like a partially-thawed version of Nicole Kidman in the picture above) put on her smart glasses and scientific problem solver’s lab coat and schooled us on the steps women, especially actresses, should take if they want to rise up and rule the world. Warning: if you are a lady with a chronic case of the horn-horns, you are not going to like what you’re about to read.

“Women are important, and they have to be in the movies. So, what are you going to do? All we have to do is all hold our hands and stand up and say ‘No.’ We can stop having babies, we can stop having sex, everything. And then women will rule the world. We’d all hold hands and say, ‘No more.’ How about that? That’s it. Women would know their power.”

To be honest, I don’t know if I’d want to hold the hand of a woman who hasn’t been fucked in a while. Can you even imagine the nerve damage? “I’m sorry if I’m crushing your fingers, dear, but I’m just so, so horny.”

I understand what Kim is saying about the babies thing. Threatening to stop making humans is a good negotiation tactic, since it still takes a lady egg to make one. Not to mention that no more babies means a greater chance that super-smart dolphins will take over the world and enslave what’s left of humanity into aquatic servitude (or so I’ve read on the internet). But that “stop having sex” thing would be really difficult. Sure, it would be easy for Kim; all she has to do is picture her ex-husband screaming a bunch of offensive shit while covered in a layer of anger sweat, and she’s instantly turned off for the next six months. But what about the rest of us?

Jada Pinkett Smith Wants You To Know She’s Totally Cool With Whatever Will Smith Wants To Do

If this picture of Jada Pinkett Smith making a choreographed LOL face while Will Smith shows off the Popsicle stick he stuck in her bra strap as a prank hasn’t convinced you that Will and Jada are still gunning for that Perfect Couple Realness trophy, then Jada gushing about Will to Howard Stern…probably won’t either. But at least they keep trying, right?

Jada appeared on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show on Wednesday (via THR) and, surprise surprise, she started talking about her husband. Thankfully she saved all the “OMG isn’t my husband such a super sexy stud?” talk for another interview (set 10 minutes on the countdown clock for that one). Instead, Jada started talking about how Will is free to do whatever Will wants to do, and she’s cool with that, because she trusts him to not make a fool of himself.

“You gotta trust who you’re with. At the end of the day, I’m not here to be anybody’s watcher. I’m not his watcher. He’s a grown man. I trust that the man that Will is is a man of integrity. He’s got all the freedom in the world, and as long as Will can look himself in the mirror and be okay, I’m good.”

This is the second time Jada has talked about looking in a mirror and being OK with yourself. Watch out Stuart Smalley, Jada’s coming for your game.

I know this sounds like Jada’s way of saying “Will fucks his and I fuck mine and we both make it home by dinnertime“, but she never really says anything about having an open marriage. Just that Will Smith has freedom and she’s not sniffing his dick when he gets in the door. That’s good, I guess. I mean, it sure beats finding a stain while you’re doing the laundry and spending the next four hours on Facebook wondering who it came from. “Was it that skank Sheila?? Get in that bathroom and look in the mirror, damn it!”

Pic: Facebook

And Now For Jake Gyllenhaal’s Thoughts On Molecules, The Moon, And Water

Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!

“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”

I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”

The only part I understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.

Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.

Michelle And Jim Bob Duggar Will Sit Down With Fox News To Talk About The Molestation Scandal

You know your brain doesn’t want any more of this Duggar mess when it sees a picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and its immediate reaction is to zoom in on that table menu right behind the crunchy poof of hair on Michelle’s head and focus on what appears to be a picture of a chocolate milkshake, like “Hey, what’s that? That looks interesting. Let’s find out more about that milkshake.”

Earlier today, Our Patron Saint of Scrunch Spray announced on the Duggar Family blog that she and Jim Bob will be sitting down with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly to discuss the recent molester grossness regarding their son Josh Duggar. Hmmm, I wonder if at any point during that interview Jim Bob will suggest it’s time for Josh to say his goodbyes? Yeah, probably not.

“Next week we will sit down with Megyn Kelly on Fox News to share our hearts with you about the pain that we walked through as a family twelve years ago, the tears we all shed and the forgiveness that was given. We appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers for our family at this time.”

Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus is like “Oh dad dammit, they’re totally going to drag me into this, aren’t they? Pass the Tylenol.”

UsWeekly says that Jim Bob and Michelle’s interview with The Kelly File will air on June 3rd, with an additional interview airing during a one-hour The Kelly File special on June 5th. Really? Two nights of airtime dedicated to Jim Bob and Michelle rambling on about forgiveness and mistakes and Jesus and The Bible? Funny or Die did it in two-and-a-half minutes.

Pic: Instagram

Taylor Swift Wants You To Know There Are Unfair “Double-Standards” When It Comes To Singing About Your Feelings

During a recent interview with Maxim magazine, who gave her the No. 1 spot on their Hot 100 list this year (and reused one of her greasy butterscotch runaway looks from November’s Wonderland for the cover), Taylor Swift was asked about feminism, specifically why she wants to talk about it all of a sudden. According to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield’s long-lost triplet, feminism is important to her now because she’s tired of all the haters who continue to side-eye her for building a career out of turning her sad teen girl journal thoughts into several albums worth of catchy break-up songs while praising the dudes who are doing the same thing. Somewhere in a recording studio in Springfield, Kirk Van Houten just got very nervous.

Continue reading

Blake Lively Wants To Go To Harvard Business School

“Finally, my dream of a real-life Legally Blonde remake starring a person whose closest DNA match is the BRAT diet is coming true!” thought one really weird person. Aspiring overpriced online retail mogul Blake Lively recently admitted during an interview with Stylist (via Radar), that one of her dreams is to go to Harvard Business School. I guess she’s learned all she can from searching “things that hipsters like” on Pinterest.

“I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time!”

I’m not sure what Harvard Business School will be able to teach Blake Lively. Do they offer classes in artisanal Instagram filters? Antebellum-era organic beekeeping? Antique typewriter repurposing? Finding success as a WASPy blonde actress-turned-lifestyle blogger in an already flooded market? What about lectures on using words like “curate” and “heirloom” till they lose all meaning? Or how to sell handmade shit from Etsy with a 300% markup? Someone get back to me on that.

She also went on to give the most Blake Lively answer to the question “Would you consider yourself quite old fashioned?“. Go grab the Icy Hot now, because your eye-rolling muscles are about to get a real workout.

“Yes I am. I only listen to old music. I love Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Edith Piaf and Josephine Baker. I love fashion of times past, I like modern trends too, but I’m not good about keeping up with them.”

And let me guess – she only listens to said music on an antique hand-cranked Victor phonograph that’s being operated by Ryan Reynolds in 3-piece suit and a vintage boating hat while she reclines on a fainting couch in the parlour. “Wrong – it’s actually a divan. Haven’t you learned anything from Preserve?“