And Now Here’s Some Pictures of Prince

Two seconds before I read that the New York Senate opened the door to same-sex weddings, my eyeballs inhaled these pictures of Jehovah’s sessiest witness moisturizing the ground in Montreal with his sexiness. It was the perfect pairing. You know, like a blow job and toothpaste.

Yes, I am perfectly aware that Prince once made the doves cry by saying that gay marriage is wrong (which he later took back). But even if those words trickled out of his pretty elfin mouth, I don’t believe he means it. WORDS MEAN NOTHING, fashion speaks volumes.

Would an amethyst nymph with Gladys Knight hair dress like an old Palm Springs queen at an Ishtar-themed wedding if he was against gay marriage? Absolutely not. Prince can’t fool me. Those platform flip-flops tell me that he wants to be closer to the arch in a rainbow. That purple turtleneck tells me that he doesn’t leave his kingdom without consulting the spirit of Maude first. That kaftan tells me that he does a mean Mrs. Roper impression when he’s in front of his gilded bathroom mirror. Don’t worry, girl, your secret is safe with me!

Tommy Rises Above Elle!

What you’re looking at is Tommy Girl’s forehead vein throbbing like John Travolta’s b-hole at a sauna party, because it’s holding all the tension from him standing on top of his tippity tippity toes while he grits his teeth in a way that screams “takethepicturetakethepicturetakethepicture.” The pain and stress was worth with it, because now we have this beautiful picture of Tommy rising above Elle Fanning at the Super 8 premiere in Los Angeles last night.

A Cheryl Cole-like blowout from his stylist and humming “I’m a big kid now” while slipping on a pair of fuck me boots were also important ingredients in taking Tommy up, up and away last night.

Tommy was filled with so much big boy confidence from being a tad bit taller than Elle that he wasn’t even embarrassed when Pete Wentz had to big him a boost up to the adult urinal since the little boy’s one was out of order. You go, TG!

Here’s a bunch of pictures of the people who were excused by Tommy’s beauty at last night’s premiere. In oooorder: TG, Elle, Conan with his wife, Steven Spielberg with Kate Capshaw, Pete Wentz, Jorge Garcia, Jim Caviezel and Jenna Elfman with her own pocket-sized crazy.

Work Those Shorts, Zac!

And you thought only 40-something single moms in Nicholas Sparks novels wore denim clam diggers and beige shawl collar sweaters, but WRONG! Zac Efron brought some J. Crew glamour to West Hollywood yesterday when he stomped through with a friend. Doesn’t Zac look like he should be holding hands with Richard Gere and skipping through the grassy beach dunes like the free spirit that he is? You just want to gently lay him on the sand and softly caress his brow with your hand before telling him that he’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen and you never want this summer to end. Don’t get on that ferry, Zac! Stay with us forever.

Zac’s stache might say “butch bitch” but those Beach Blanket Bingo shorts say “tip me over and pour me out.” Bring it, Zac. I swear, Zac is making the clams shut their shells tight with every step that he takes.

Jennifer Aniston Warming Her Lonely And Sad Womb

Or maybe she heard that rubbing will make it so. (Trust me, it doesn’t. This coming from someone who has developed raisins on his fingers from trying to get his piece to bring on the grand finale). One of those will be Star Magazine’s headline next week along with the story that Jennifer Aniston wore a black sheer dress to the NYC premiere of Whatever Rom-Com She’s In This Month, because she’s mourning the sad end of her pretend divorce from her pretend husband who left her for his pretend co-star. And now she’s a single mother to an army of Beanie Babies! The bottom of that dress would make a hot veil if she pulled it over her head.

New York City is colder than the glare Maddox is throwing at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston wearing the color he’s trying to trademark as his signature shade and obviously she’s not feeling it. That’s what eating a bowl of vodka soup for dinner will do. Nothing warm the cockles of your EVERYTHING like being drunk (and wearing feet warmers on your nipples).

Jennifer also recently gave some interview to People Magazine where she said she hasn’t dated had a boyfriend for over a year and she knows that one day the wedding inspiration wall that takes up half of her attic will be put to good use:

“I think people honestly just want to see me as a mom and married and barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. And I just want to say, ‘Everybody, relax! It’s going to happen.'”

See, Jennifer totally plays into this shit. Because what she should really say is that who needs a full-time peen and screaming kids who take up your happy hour time when you’ve got TEQUILA! And Heather Locklear’s old hair.

Here’s Forever Aloneiston along with Adam Sandler, some kids, Brooklyn Decker, Dave Matthews and Adam Sandler at premiere of that shit you’re not going to see.

Ashley Greene And Joe Jonas Are Still Doing This

Not to be outdone by Taylor Swift and Jakey Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas and his face merkin of the moment Ashley Greene held hands while making their way into The Lion restaurant in NYC last night. The only real problem I have with this relationship is that it seems like as soon as Joe Jonas welcomed Ashley into his life with a simple signature on a contract, his jeans have gotten baggier and baggier. Joe’s jeans used to be so tight that you could practically hear its threads screaming for mercy with every strut he took. Joe’s jeans used to be so tight that you could perfectly see if his butt cheek was Tajazzled or not. And now look at this shit! Ashley is CHANGING HIM!

Joe’s jeans are quickly going from “sucking on to his ass as though his b-hole is the portal to denim heaven” to almost hitting the ground. It won’t be long before Joe’s jeans are sliding down his bubble butt. Although…..now that I think about it, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Then Joe can take his sweet sexiness to the next level by working one of those new saggy pants garter belts:

Yeah, forget everything I said about his jeans not being tight enough. Sag faster, Joe!

Looking Good, Susan Powter, Looking Good

When I was a freshmen in high school, I dyed my hair the color of a rusty penny and shaved everything except for a patch of curls in the front. My head looked like one of the title roles in 2 Girls, 1 Cup (hint: neither of the 2 girls). My mom took one look at it, immediately inhaled the first reaction that was sitting on her tongue and finally said, “If that’s what you want to do.”

So that’s what I’m going to say to these pictures of Jared Leto walking around in SoHo yesterday looking like a Tokio Hotel roadie who found out the hard way that porcupines don’t make good pillows. And he’s doing it!