The Power Of Lucite Knows No Bounds!

If an exquisite lucite heel can hold up CoCo’s 8th world wonder ass, it can do fucking anything.

via CoCo’s Twitter (Thanks Carolina)

Lucite & Child

Even The Empress of Lucite’s daughters still find themselves fainting every now and again from being so closely exposed to their mother’s high levels of elegance and beauty. This is what on Friday night at some restaurant in Los Angeles.

Shauna’s daughter once again realized that her mother is as beautiful as a Mother’s Circus Animal Cookie fresh out of the angel’s vagina (that’s how they are made) and blacked the hell out! Shauna came to the rescue by calling upon the powers of the lucite to help her carry her daughter out to the car. Yes, I’ve thought about this thoroughly.

Afterwards, Shauna was kind of enough to feed the camera lenses by posing with her newest piece of the moment. I’m not sure if Shauna’s shiny new toy is old or strong enough to handle the Empress, but we’ll find out when their sex tape is “leaked” next week.

The Empress Of Lucite Turned Chace Crawford Into A Man!

I knew there was a good reason for why Chace Crawford’s face always looks like heaven’s rays are shining upon it while the whispers of angels pass through his golden locks. Okay, I never thought that, but I do now.

The Empress of Lucite tells Star Magazine that she used her exquisite lucite heel to pluck out Chace’s plump cherry! Shauna was Mrs. Robinson to Chace’s Ben Braddock.

According to Shauna, the two met at a college party in 2003 when Chace was just 18 and she was 32. Shauna said, “He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!” Chace melted into Shauna’s arms and the two began a secret love affair which lasted for a year. Shauna even gave Chace a key to her lucite palace.

One of Chace’s friends added, “Chace told me, ‘Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I’ll never forget it!’”

Eventually, Shauna realized that her mission was complete and she fluttered off to continue to spread her beauty to the rest of the world. Chace went on to star in Gossip Girl and the rest is history.

And now Ed Westwick completely understands why Chace always wants him to wear a pair of lucite heels around the house.

The Empress Of Lucite Wants To Be Carrie Prejean’s Mentor

Vivid Entertainment got a hold of a series of tapes of Carrie Prejean parting her pink sea, and they want to sell the videos with her blessing. Carrie turned them down. Well, now Vivid has brought out their finest lucite jewel to dazzle Carrie and bring her over to the bright side.

The Empress of Lucite slid into her lucite throne, pulled out her boyfriend’s peen, dipped it in her sparkly box and wrote a passionate letter to Carrie where she described her own journey from powerless victim to star, cinematographer, director, costume designer and soundtrack composer of her own fuck film. Shauna said that Carrie could waste thousands of dollars on lawyers, or she could make millions by letting the world see her holy grail on her terms.

Below is the part of the letter where Shauna talks about the pivotal moment where she decided to LEAK HER OWN SEX TAPE be the queen of her own porn destiny:

I went to the meeting full of rage. During the meeting, however, I realized that I could actually take control of the situation. Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees for a lawsuit that could take months or even years to be resolved, I could actually turn things around.

I told Steven that I wanted to eliminate any compensation to the third party since it was my movie that I not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to. I also told him that I wanted to be involved in the marketing of the movie as I really cared about it.

I’m really glad I made that decision. I’m proud of my body and of the passion that I felt during the making of the movie which became “Shauna Sand Exposed.”

Why don’t you consider taking control yourself and handle this situation on your own
terms so that you are in the driver’s seat. It all starts with a telephone call to Steven to find out what your options are. I’d be happy to talk to you one-on-one about how I did it.

If any of us were touched by a lucite angel, we would immediately fall into a deep trance and do anything Shauna asked us to. But Carrie proved that she is not of this world, because she turned down Shauna’s offer! Carrie even threatened to sue Vivid if they don’t leave her alone.

UNGODLY! Turning down the Empress of Lucite is like turning down JESUS himself. Carrie basically spit on the gates of heaven. Just like she spit on her palm to play with her coochie on that tape!

To quote the a wise woman named Marguerite Perrin: “SHE IS NOT A CHRIIIIISTIIIIIIIAN!”

Shauna Sand Is A Wonderful Role Model To Us All

We all (aka just me) know Shauna Sand as the most naturally beautiful creature in the universe and as the sole reason why lucite twinkles under a strip club’s spotlight. But sometimes we forgot that the Empress of Lucite is a devoted role model to three girls. Shauna reminded us of this last night when she dropped one of her daughters off to visit her father Lorenzo Lamas at a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Since Shauna has no feeling in most of her body parts, she didn’t notice when her “Total Eclipse of the Nipple” popped out of the crocheted doily she was wearing as a dress. When Shauna finally realized her nipple was assuming the elegant position, she simply smiled for the cameras, because she was so happy to share her beauty with the world.

And what kind of message does this send to her daughter? It tells her daughter to always wear turtlenecks when she goes out in public and to run for the nearest police station if a plastic surgeon ever gets near her. See! Shauna really is an amazing role model.

Shayne Lamas Is Jealous Of Shauna Sand’s Beauty, Obviously

The Empress of Lucite is currently basking in the glory of her soon-to-be-released masterpiece sex tape, and look who has crawled out from under her trough to try to snatch away Shauna’s spotlight. Shauna’s ex-stepdaughter Shayne Lamas, who is currently whoring out her own reality show, felt the need to blast The Empress of Lucite in a statement to TMZ. Basically, Shayne pulled down her bloomers, squatted, and then shit all over a delicate rose. This is a crime against nature. Plug your nose, stroke your lucite and read what Shayne had to say:

“It’s no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it’s pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll… Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash.”

Normally, being called “pure trash” is the highest of compliments, but I have a feeling Shayne didn’t mean it that way. Shayne better watch her tongue, because fucking with Shauna is like fucking with GOD himself! One day, Shayne will wake up with her tongue attached to her asshole. And without a tongue she won’t be able to eat deep-fried Twinkies or nibble on hard peen.

And just for record-keeping purposes, here’s what Shayne’s stunning mother looks like:

Shayne’s cunty comments are funny since her mom Michele looks like a Shrinky Dink version of Shauna dipped in formaldehyde. Every scientist will confirm that Michele is definitely 100% potent trash. And that’s a compliment.