Lavender Champagne In A Lucite Flute

Pour the coffee down the drain, put the meth pipe back in your desk drawer and tell your co-worker that they don’t need to inject your veins with Red Bull this morning. Who needs any of those things to take them up up and away when you can sip on this sparkling drink of elegance. Yes, you might get HPV warts on your gums and throat, but that’s a small price to pay!

Here’s the Empress of Lucite looking like a single strand of lavender sprouting out of an angel’s asshole. Doesn’t she just take your breath away? Again, it could be the genital warts in you throat blocking your windpipe, but she’s still the most beautiful woman IN DA WORLD! You know this.

And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II is sending her styling team into a frenzy, because now they have to find a new outfit for her to wear to church on Sunday.

Lucite Angel On The Water

Haul out the holly, because March 21st is officially my new Christmas! I have already been gifted with pictures of Chicken Cutlets sunning her hot cross buns in Malibu, and now here’s pictures of Shauna Sand riding a jet ski like a graceful lucite angel dolphin gliding through clouds made of diamond dust. That’s not water splashing. That’s the jet-ski orgasming, because it had the epitome of elegance on its back. Cancel church, because here we have the father, the son, and the holy lucite.

Here’s more of the Empress of Lucite and her new subservient in Miami yesterday. And you know that I’d lick CHERYL BURKE’S mop head if Shauna commanded me to, but she really needs to send that beat down Louis Vuitton bag to the Natural History Museum already. It’s pretty much an artifact.

The “Over The Moon” Watch

Shayne Lamas tells UsWeekly that her 52-year-old father Lorenzo is not only engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, but he’s “over the moon” in love with her. Shayne needs to go back to school, because it is impossible for Lorenzo to be over the moon. When Lorenzo and the Empress of Lucite divorced, his access to the moon was taken away. Lorenzo is no longer allowed near the moon. Shayne should’ve said that he’s over the strip club neon sign. That would’ve been more fitting and accurate.

So yes, the Yanni of Santa Monica asked his girlfriend of 3-months to be his wife. She said “yes.” And get this mess, her name is Shawna Craig. SHAWNA! The “W” must stand for wannabe whore! It’s pretty obvious what Lorenzo is trying to do here. He’s trying to replicate the Beauty and the Beast romance he had with Shauna Sand. It won’t be long before Shawna tries to dye her hair angel whisper blonde to match Shauna’s. And when Shawna tries to walk in a pair of exquisite lucite heels, they will commit suicide by breaking into a million pieces. Lucite’s heart will always belong to Shauna Sand.

I mean, there’s no replacing this:

That’s like trying to recreate the Creation of Adam on a toilet in a junkyard using old markers and melted Crayons. Only Shauna Sand can blind men with her natural beauty (see the dude in the white shirt). Lorenzo needs to stop!

An Empress In Manhattan

That right there is the luckiest Jennifer Convertible in the world……

Last night in my fair Hamlet, we received a visit from an angel from heaven. The Empress of Lucite glided into town on a lucite chariot (or maybe she flew Frontier Airlines) to sign copies of her contribution to art house cinema at Rick’s Cabaret in NYC. Yes, my fellow New Yorkers, that is why all the hos on the stroll took the night off (local holiday) and why every single drugstore was sold out of Wet ‘N Wild lip liner.

Since Shauna Sand is my personal Banana Jesus, I thought about going to Rick’s to have her bless my copy of the Gone with the Wind of leaked porn tapes, but just thinking about it gave me full body palpitations. So I think it’s best if I continue to marvel at her natural beauty from afar. Okay, okay, the truth is the restraining order she has out against me still hasn’t expired.

Here’s the bubble in my lube at Rick’s last night with her ladies-in-waiting.

A Quote From The Lucite Kingdom

Shauna Sand tells Paper Magazine how she makes walking on exquisite lucite heels look like she’s floating on the whisper of an angel:

“I’ve been walking in them for so long. I was a ballerina, so my balance is amazing and I’m used to being on my toes in point shoes. But I also think my stilettos are quite deceiving because they’re so comfortable. I have three daughters, who are almost nine, 10 and 12 and even when my kids were like, two, they were able to walk in the stilettos. They’re really not that high because they have a platform so once you get used to them, they’re so easy to walk in. [Wearing stilettos] is like exercising without exercising. When you wear them, you’re actually working your legs and your butt and you can get beautiful muscle definition…… I love them. I can’t walk barefoot. I’ll walk barefoot in the sand on the beach, but if the sand is too hot, I’ll have my stilettos on.”

The Lucite Belle Of The Porn Ball

The AVN Awards, which is the Oscars but with less STDs and more elegance, was held in Las Vegas last night, and of course the Empress of Lucite was the glistening load everybody bathed in. Shauna won several awards including: Best Performance by an Angel in a Staged Sex Tape That Was Leaked On Purpose, Best Performance by a Lucite Heel, Best Religious Experience and Best Horror Movie.

While the other porn starlets wore custom-made gowns from the Flirt Catalog, Shauna kept it real in vintage Fredrick’s of Hollywood. And by “vintage,” I mean it had a few cum stains on the crotch.

The Empress wasn’t going to even bother putting on a dress. Clothes would have gotten in the way when she found herself in a men’s room stall with a strange dude at the end of the night. When Shauna pulled the purple string off one of her ankles, her elegant ensemble came off and an already lubed up condom fell out of her vag.

Here’s more freshwater pearls from last night’s AVNs including: April Flores, Dave Navarro, Lisa Ann, Ron Jeremy, Sasha Grey, a ginge beauty in JLo’s old Grammy dress, and Margaret Cho.