Rob Ford Takes His Ass To Rehab As Another Crack Smoking Video Goes Up For Sale

Since Allison’s Canadian, she should really be handling this one, but she’s not around right now, because she’s standing outside of Mayor McCrackie’s mansion with a sign that reads, “I STAND BY CRACKIE.” Or maybe she’s out celebrating the fact that the streets of Toronto are safe again since Rob Ford is drying out in rehab.

Everyone’s favorite pussy-eating, crack-smoking mayor announced tonight that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for a “substance abuse” problem and that substance is either crack or pussy, but I’m going to take a wild guess that it’s crack. Rob Ford didn’t decide on his own that he should finally roll on into rehab to try to kick his hunger for crack. A new crack-smoking video and a new drunken audio clip helped him make that decision. The Globe and Mail says that a sequel to Rob Ford’s unreleased crack-smoking video from last year is making the rounds and they’ve seen it. The video was shot by a dealer in Rob Ford’s sister’s basement at around 1am on Saturday. The dealer claims he’s got three videos of Rob Ford smoking crack and he wants six figures for all of them. That dealer must’ve inhaled a whole lot of second-hand crack smoke, because bitch is crazy for thinking those videos are worth six figures. That shit isn’t even worth six pennies. I’ve heard so many stories about Rob Ford smoking crack that I feel like I’ve already seen him smoking crack. And in his sister’s basement? I guess a family that smokes crack together, stays togethers. (“That’s right!” – White Oprah)

The Toronto Sun says that on Monday night Rob Ford was at his most Rob Ford-iest at a bar in Etobicoke. When Rob Ford wasn’t trying to fight with people at the bar, he was downing tequila and talking shit about his wife and his mayoral opponent Karen Stintz. Someone at the bar secretly taped Rob and gave the clip to The Toronto Sun (you can hear it here).

The audio recording, covertly taped by a patron of Sullie Gorman’s Monday night, captures the mayor being unruly as he’s ordering booze at the Royal York Rd. bar, complaining about his wife Renata and making lewd comments about mayoral contender Karen Stintz.

“I’d like to f—–g jam her (Stintz), but she doesn’t want … I can’t talk like this…I’m so sorry,” Ford is heard saying on the recording. “I forgot there’s a woman in the house.”

According to one witness, Ford was seen buying shooters and tequila and trying to fight with patrons Monday.

“He was really wasted,” said the witness. “And he was acting like a real ass.”

Rob’s currently campaigning for reelection in October and he said that his team is hoping he won’t drop out. As the crack dealers of Toronto softly weeped while walking toward the unemployment line, Rob released a long ass statement and here’s a piece of it:

Today, after taking some time to think about my own well-being, how to best serve the people of Toronto and what is in the best interests of my family, I have decided to take a leave from campaigning and from my duties as Mayor to seek immediate help.

I have tried to deal with these issues by myself over the past year. I know that I need professional help and I am now 100% committed to getting myself right.

I love the people of Toronto, I love being your mayor and I hope you will continue to stand by me.

We all know what’s going to happen next. After Rob Ford gets out of rehab, Oprah’s going to interview him and give him a docu-series on OWN. I can’t wait to see the waterfalls of sweat trickle down his face when Oprah tells him to cut the bullshit. And it’s times like these when I really miss Chris Farley. Think of the skits he could’ve done on SNL. Think of the skits.

“Hi My Name Is Rob Ford, But You Can Call Me DJ Drunk Junkie”

While other mayors are working to prevent sanitation strikes and cutting the ribbon on new community centers or just making sure the guy who cleans up the hobo poop from the sidewalks is getting a raise (he deserves it), Toronto’s mayor Rob Ford can be found in da cluuub spastically trying his hand at DJing. At least that’s what I’m told this video is; it looks more like this cat is trying to play with a Cat’s Meow, but what do I know? I’m clearly not up to date on the underground crack-smoking drunk mayor DJ scene.

According to The National Post, Mayor Rob Ford made an surprise appearance at a fundraiser for local musicians on Saturday night at a Toronto bar. Yeah, allow me to tell you what really happened: Rob Ford was getting drunk at a bar and when he got up to take a piss, he noticed a fundraiser was happening in the next room and crashed it. Knowing that it’s always better to have a happy drunk Ford rather than an angry drunk Ford, they just let him stay and fuck around with the DJ equipment to his little heart’s content, and nobody booed him because they didn’t want to end up on life support. All that DJing caused him to work up a hunger (much work, such exercise), so he ripped all the knobs off the mixer and dipped them into the Chalet Sauce he carries around with him in a BeerBelly. I know the video doesn’t show that part, but it’s Rob Ford we’re talking about; there’s like a 90% chance that he actually did that.

Also, here’s a breaking news story about Rob Ford assaulting a fire hydrant with his crack dick, because why not?

Happy Friday, Here’s Rob Ford Getting Tickled

Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.

And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.

(Pic via AP)

The Leader Of The Wild Kidz Gets A Thumbs-Up From The Leader Of The Wild Hogz

If you live in Toronto, you’re going to want to avoid the downtown daycares tonight, because Justin Bieber is in town and he’ll be hitting them all. I heard he’s starting at Happy Clowns for a handful of Goldfish crackers and a sippy cup of apple juice, then move on to ABC Kids for a swing on the jungle gym, after that he can be found at Playtime Preschool for story hour, then Little Angels for milk and arrowroots. One place he won’t be is Caterpillar Clubhouse, because he bit another little boy the last time he was there and he’s not welcome back.

But it’s not just daycares that are all the buzz over Justin’s return; disgraced current Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, had something to say about Justin and surprise, surprise, it makes him sound like a major toolshed. According to CTV News, in an interview with Washington DC’s Sports Junkies radio show, Rob Ford said:

“He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was as successful as he was.”

That depends on your definition of success, Rob. I’d say that running the 4th largest city in North America while high out of your mind on crack, coke, pills, gallons of beer, an over-inflated sense of self-worth, crack again, more crack, and deep fried poutine sandwiches while appearing to be teetering on the edge of a massive coronary is a pretty big achievement and something you should be proud of.

I’m sure Justin could give a shit what Hoggish Greedly from Captain Planet thinks of him or his Tuff Toddler antics, but it’s probably a good idea for him to fake it and remain on his good side. Rob Ford’s brother-in-law just got his ass beat in prison because he might potentially talk shit about Ford (and – fun fact! – the beating was carried out by a guy that Rob Ford used to coach high school football to), so it’s in Justin’s best interests to thank Ford for his kind words with a crack-and-Xanax-filled bundt cake or else he might wind up in a ditch somewhere. Wait, that’s beneficial for us! Piss him off, Justin! Prove you’re a badass and egg his house!

And Now A Video Of Toronto’s Crack-Smoking Mayor Rob Ford Pretending To Be Jamaican

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than smoking crack or pushing over an old woman or talking about eating his wife’s pussy or literally whatever other outrageous thing you could imagine Chris Farley doing in a movie called ‘Fat Drunk Mayor’, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford crushed another shameful personal best during a drunken, not-right-rant a restaurant in Etobicoke, ON (Etobicoke? The jokes fucking write themselves). Last night, Rob Ford took his patented brand of dripping-in-sweat crazy to new levels when he was caught in a restaurant doing his best impression of Doug E. Doug from Cool Runnings. What I’m trying to say is…Rob Ford was speaking in a weird pseudo-Jamaican patois. Oh yeah, this is the kind of video you’re going to want to listen to with the volume turned WAY up.

The video might sound like Bob Marley gibberish to anyone who grew up outside of Toronto, so allow me to translate. Rob Ford keeps saying the words bumbaclot and bumba ras clot, which in Jamaican slang is reference to (I’m sorry, Mom) a bloody tampon or a rag to wipe one’s asshole. Stay classy, Rob Ford. He then asks “Who go to [St.]Jamestown, Jane and Finch, Malvern?” which is the Toronto equivalent of Mitt Romney bragging about the time he drove through South Central. All that’s left is for Rob Ford to start showing up to city council meetings in a drug-rug and responding to questions by sucking his teeth at reporters before he becomes a full-blown, real life Ras Trent.

And to all the women going to this year’s Caribana parade: when Rob Ford asks you if you want to ‘taste his oxtail’, YOU SAY NO (the weight of his gut will snap your neck).