Open Post: Hosted By Rob Ford’s Crackie Rant

November 7, 2013 / Posted by:

The Toronto Star posted a video this morning of everyone’s favorite crack-smoking Canadian mayor Rob Ford screaming until all of his ass hair lips burned off and ranting about wanting to rip out a dude’s throat. It hasn’t been confirmed yet, but I’m pretty sure this video was shot in your nana’s “nice” dining room. It also hasn’t been confirmed yet, but I’m pretty sure Rob Ford freaks out like this every time they forget to give him an extra thing of gravy at KFC.

As an aide-type fans the crack flames of rage shooting out of his being, Toronto’s mayor paces back and forth while going on and on about how he wants to murder a dude. Now you know what it would look like if Chris Farley’s Van Down by the River character got high on the wrong kind of bath salts. Here’s just a few piping hot dingles that dropped out of Mayor McMessy’s mouth:

“I’m going to kill that fucking guy. I’m telling you it’s first-degree murder.”

“But when he’s down, I’ll rip his fucking throat.”

“That little prick’s a racist fuck, daddy.”

“I just need to go, fucking by myself in my fucking underwear. I want to go with this guy.” (Note: If I got a crack rock for every time I said that, I’d be as high as this ho.)

“…..don’t tell me we’re liars, thieves, birds—it hurts.”

I love the underwear line, but he isn’t giving himself enough credit. If he showed up in his panties, he wouldn’t need to rip the dude’s throat out. Because any medical professional will tell you that the quickest way to a heart attack is to look at Rob Ford in his chonies.

And of course, Rob has already apologized and said that he was kind of sort of drunk.

“The Toronto Star just released a video that I was very, very inebriated. All I can say is, again, I’ve made mistakes. I just wanted to come out and tell you I saw a video. It’s extremely embarrassing. The whole world’s going to see it. You know what? I don’t have a problem with that. I hope none of you have ever or will ever be in that state. Obviously, I was extremely, extremely inebriated.”

More like extremely CRACKED OUT. Only cats, body-less pigs and crackheads would use “bird” as an insult.

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