Category: Paz de la Huerta

#JUSTICE4SPAZ: Paz De La Huerta Is Suing The Filmmakers Of “Nurse 3D” For Ruining Her Career

July 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I have wondered why greasy thespian orchid Spaz de la Huerta wasn’t offered the lead in Gone Girl or the lead in Still Alice or the lead in every Shakespearean project. I mean, at this point, Paz should be offered every role that Jennifer Lawrence is offered before Jennifer Lawrence is offered it. But well, Paz’s career is as alive as her line delivery and she blames the underrated cinematic jewel Nurse 3D for killing it.

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Your Daily Dose Of Refined Elegance And Greasy Beauty

December 6, 2013 / Posted by:

You’re probably saying to me, “Bitch, must be a slow news LIFE if you’re posting about Paz de la Huerta twice in two days.” It’s actually the opposite of that, thankyouverymuch. New pictures of Spaz de la Huerta are always TOP STORY BREAKING NEWS material and they’re extra special, because the paparazzi have to work hard to get them since she’s a reclusive artist of Greta Garbo proportions who shuns the spotlight and only comes out to accept awards…..or to go to parties with an open bar. (Yes, it’s a slow day.)

Here’s the mantequilla beauty going to Chateau Marmont with a camera-shy friend last night. Spaz always looks like she’s been through some serious shit. She looks like she just spent the past 48 hours giving birth to 16 pound triplets in a wet sauna while detoxing from a heroin addiction.  But even though it looks her face is going through something, her lipstick game stays stellar. That’s how a true beauty does it.

Pics: Wenn

The Best Actress Oscar For 2015 Is A Lock!

December 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Dear Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence and all the other actresses who think they have a shot at the Best Actress Oscar in 2015, use your campaign money to buy a cup of the sweet nectar to drown your sorrows in, because the category is closed and no submissions will be accepted. The 2014 Oscars haven’t even happened yet, but the Academy is already engraving Spaz de la Huerta’s name on a 2015 Best Actress trophy after seeing her riveting, game-changing and ALIVE performance in the trailer for Nurse 3D. Not since Lumiere in Beauty in the Beast has a melting candle delivered such powerful emotion onscreen. I don’t know if Nurse 3D is actually in 3D or if they’re referring to Spaz’s multi-dimensional performance which jumps out of the screen, holds you down and leaves Vaseline skid marks all over your face.

Nurse 3D is like Single White Female meets Fatal Attraction meets Basic Instinct meets Sophie’s Choice (I’m referring to Spaz’s luminous and emotion-stirring performance which critics will compare to Meryl’s). In Nurse 3D, Spaz plays a greasy wax mannequin who comes to life (I made that part up, I think), becomes a nurse and stalks her bland blonde co-worker played by Katrina Bowden. Somewhere in there, Nurse Spaz also seduces cheating men and murders them. It also stars Kathleen Turner, Judd Nelson and that kid from High School Musical and Dancing with the No Stars. I don’t think I’m being at all crazy or ridiculous when I say that this is going to be the greatest movie that ever happened!

Here’s the future Oscar winner looking like the bloated, oily calla lily she is while leaving a store with her man in L.A. the other night. Her man is totally a poet by day and a 1970s serial killer by night.

Pics: Splash

Why The Fuck Do I Have To Be Gay?

October 12, 2013 / Posted by:

When there are clean, pristine women of virtue like Paz de la Huerta staggering about in the world? That is one big, beautiful lady. Her lush tendrils of hair, rosy complexion, and curvy hamhocks…it’s like a Botticelli come to life! Gaga needs to take the lawn decoration out of her chocha and have several seats. THIS is art personified.

Can you imagine the shit you can get into with her? One harmless afternoon of day drinking with Spaz would lead to her getting her tits out at the food court and pissing in fountains. You know this one is slapping children off swing sets and answering the iron plugged in and set to “all cotton” (“STOP CALLING US, YOU MATHERFACKERS!” *ear sizzling*) in her free time.

I was recently riding the MUNI in San Francisco and there was this one gal who boarded who looked like she had crawled through a burning dumpster to get to the meth cut with plutonium. And that lady would be giving the “yeesh” look to Spaz.

Btw, these pics noted that seeing-eye maniac (that poor blind ragamuffin that the agency gave Paz to…) Paz was ARRIVING at the Chateau Marmont on Thursday night. If you look like you’re having a cocaine–induced heart attack, holding in a vom, and someone just fried up some bacon on your mug when you GET to the bar…*sad face*

Pics: PCN

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A Rare Flower Blooms At LAX

May 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s Listverse’s definition of the elusive and rare Ghost orchid:

The Ghost orchid is a fascinating rare plant that was presumed extinct for almost 20 years, only recently did it rear its head again. The plant is so rare because it is basically impossible to propagate. It has no leaves, does not depend on photosynthesis and does not manufacture its own food. Like the Lady slipper, it needs a specific fungus in close contact with its root system, which feeds it. The Ghost orchid never grows leaves, and will therefore always depend on the fungus for its nourishment. The Ghost orchid can live underground for years, without showing any external signs and will only bloom when all conditions are optimum. This explains why some orchid enthusiasts search for years and years just to have a glimpse of this elusive flower.

If you replaced the name “Ghost orchid” with Spaz de la Huerta, that whole definition would still make so much sense and be one hundred percent truthful.

It feels like it’s been more than 20 years since we’ve been blessed by the presence of the Crisco-dipped orchid that is Paz de la Huerta and she quenched the thirst of her admirers (aka just me) by gliding through LAX yesterday. Ever since those dumb bitches at Boardwalk Empire made the worst decision of their lives by firing Spaz, because her beauty and raw talent took the focus away from actors who are lesser than her, she’s been busy filling her time with other things. I don’t know exactly what those other things are, but she’s been really busy filling her time with them.

I can spend my time wondering what that burn on her chin is (theories: Chemical peel gone wrong? She learned the hard way that giving Heat Miser a rim job is a dangerous task? The sun not only wanted to kiss her chin, it wanted to make out with it?), but instead I’m going to thank the gods for giving us a Spaz sighting. Never leave my eyes again, Spaz!

Playboy Finally Classes Up Their Cover With A Real Goddess Of Elegance

December 17, 2012 / Posted by:

If the One Ring had eyes, this is what it would see when Gollum reached for it. Yes, that is your cue to be jealous of the One Ring.

Giving off some “my preeeeeeeesh-iss” glamour, Spaz de la Huerta poses labia-out naked for Playboy’s  very special holiday issue. It’s TOO perfect that Spaz is naked in the holiday issue, because Baby Jesus was born just so this modern day goddess could bare her nipples in Playboy. Florida’s premiere parking lot stripper stripped off the clothes she doesn’t wear for photographer Mario Sorrenti and she tells Playboy that he was the first professional picture taker who captured the image of her pristine titties when she was just 17. Since then Spaz has taken her tits out for anybody with a disposable camera, but Mario was the first.

Spaz on posing for Playboy: “Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe have appeared in Playboy. I celebrate nudity every day. It’s our first wardrobe. And Mario [Sorrenti] is such an amazing photographer; he brings so much mystery and sensuality to his photographs. We did the photos with no makeup, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, a more honest portrayal of where I am now in my life.”

Translation: “Right now in my life, I’m always naked, I’ve always got sandy crotch and I’m living under a pier at the beach.”

Spaz on working with Mario Sorrenti again: “I did my first nude shoot with Mario when I was 17. He made me feel beautiful, and I really feel it was on that shoot that I overcame my fear of being naked. Mario is such an artist. He has taken photographs of me in which my body looks like a sculpture.”

Translation: “He makes my body look like a sculpture, which is probably why pigeons are always shitting on me and tourists are always sitting in front of me to look at a map.”

Spaz on what she thinks of the pictures of her naked ass: “We did the photos with no make-up, and we both wanted them to have a very natural feeling. It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public.”

Translation: “It was more about bringing out a part of myself that has not really been shown to the public, so Mario became a licensed ultrasound technician and inside of the magazine you’ll see scans of my kidneys, intestines and gallbladder. “

In all seriousness, after putting low-budget skanks like Lindsay Lohan on their cover, Playboy is finally on the road to becoming a purveyor of natural glamour and potent beauty again, and putting Spaz in their magazine is the first step.

I’ve always wanted to know what Tommy Lee circa 1986 would look like with tits and Spaz finally gave me that image. Thank you, Spaz! Heather Locklear SO wants to marry you. 

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