Did Paula Abdul Tweet Too Soon?

TMZ is saying that when Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that she is not returning to American Idol next season, she was basically handing in her resignation. The producers still thought they were in negotiations with Vicodin’s forever girl. Basically, Paula quit a job via Twitter. The internet has gone too far.

Apparently, Paula, who made around $2 million last season, asked for a 500% raise. Paula didn’t feel loved by the producers when she read that Gaycrest was getting $45 million for 3 years and Simon was getting $100 million per year. When she asked for $20 million, the producers laughed until they queefed and then countered with $10 million. Instead of countering back, Paula decided to Tweet her farewell and the producers took that as her official bow. A couple of hours later, they issued a statement confirming that the crazy has left the building for good. And this morning, the stock for Vicodin hit the sky, because everyone knew where Paula was heading….

This is not the end of Paula on American Idol! I can’t wait to see the look on those whore’s faces when Paula comes skipping into auditions disguised as a 14-year-old girl named “Skaterina Kat” wearing her outfit from Junior High School: THE MOVIE. We’re goooona have a paaaartaaaaaaay!

Oh, Paula, you’ll always have the golden ticket (aka a blank prescription pad) to my HEART!

Image VIA Woman’s Day

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

“Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense.” – Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul’s CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we’re fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills – SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It’s like I’m blowin’ morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn’t there to catch them anymore. Sads.

Vicodin Tears Of Sadness

The callback auditions for American Idol start on August 6th and Paula Abdul might be missing from the judges table! This time, the reason for Paula’s absence will not be because she’s passed out face-first in the toilet in the ladies room No. Paula might not be there, because the hos in charge of Idol have yet to send her a proposal for a new contract.

Fur Tittays Cowell just signed a new contract for around $100 million, but the producers have forgotten all about the little crazy who can.

Paula’s manager told The Los Angeles Times, “Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows.”

The word “hurtful” doesn’t even begin to describe the atrocities the producers are putting Paula through! I might have to down a few cups of Paula’s “weekend brew” (made with Darvocet dust, Diet Mountain Dew, dextromethorphan oil, fermented peaches and a drop of Simon’s nipple nectar, ) just to deal with this awful news. If you can’t get a hold of Simon’s nipple nectar (Gaycrest, you are excused from this conversation), you can use garter snake saliva instead. But I digress…..

Paula is the Krazy Glue that holds the show together! I mean, you can replace Randy with one of the Budweiser Frogs and Kara DioJUSTSTOPALREADY with Jigsaw from Saw, but Paula is irreplaceable!

I use this quote from Paula often, but this time it really rings true: “I scratch my head and I wonder, ‘Where is god when you need him?,’ because this does not make sense!”

Crazy Defends Crazy

Tuesday night, Simon Cowell’s favorite nipple pincher, Terri Seymour, was leaving the Idol finale when a 200lb loontardian attacked her and tried to choke her down! The police swept in and 33-year-old Janice Thibodeaux was arrested. Yesterday, Janice spoke to Radar (from her luxurious jail cell) and said it was all a misunderstanding and she wasn’t trying to kill a trick. Janice basically says, “Simon strangled MAH lady, so I strangled hiz!” K-R-A-Z-Y (but not cool).

Janice says, “I wasn’t cool with Simon Cowell choking Paula Abdul on the show last week and with her crying-out ‘help’ as he did so. Nobody said anything about that so I wanted to confront him about it because that is not appropriate behavior, is it? She (Terri) was taking some photographs with her camera and I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done with Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police but I don’t regret what I did because of what Simon did to Paula, nobody seemed to care about that.”

Janice also says she used to be a security guard on American Idol. Yeah, the crazy ho probably got fired when she was caught licking a toilet Paula just used. Well, you know it’s true. Don’t hate for me that image, hate Janice Crazydoughs!!

Paula is like a goddess to the insane! They will do whatever it takes to shimmy out of their straitjackets, attack the orderless with a shank made out of a toothbrush and bust of the loony bin just so they can get close to their shiny-eyed insane QUEEN. Cowell better watch it, because his precious hair part might be in danger.

Paula Abdul Is Lip-Synching That Same Old Song Again

First of all, that is Paula Abdul with her mother. Her mother is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, right? The Grey Gardens teefs, the eyebrows that are reaching for Jesus and the face that only Dixie Carter’s plastic surgeon could love…… Totally beautiful! I see where Paula gets her crazy. Speaking of…

A few days ago, an interview Paula gave to Ladies Home Journal started making the rounds, because she told them that she was addicted to painkillers for a few years and even had to go into rehab for it. They quoted Paula and now she’s saying they made everything up! Paula issued this statement to E!:

“I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life. I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility.”

She was soaring through a cloud of Vicodin dust during that interview. That’s why she doesn’t remember.

Paula also needs to quit that “I’ve never been drunk” noise. Why is it so awful being called a pill-popping drunk?! Some of the history’s greatest people were junkies who were a slave to the bottle. Paula shouldn’t be ashamed. She should just pop a doll and let them embrace her. Because if she hasn’t been drunk or addicted to the good shit, then she’s basically saying that she’s 100% naturally IN-FUCKING-SANE. Oh, wait. Maybe she is telling the truth after all. Carry on!

Image: Wireimage

In Case You Missed It: Paula Abdul’s Lip Sync Extravaganzaaaaaa

Singing? Dancing?

Paula Abdul lip-synched FOR HER LIFE on American Idol last night during her performance of her new single “I’m Just Here For The Music (And The Lidocaine).” It might have been the Theraflu/NyQuil haze I was in, but I found that shit HIGHlarious (punned on purpose)! Even Scott could see that bitch was lip-synching. I mean, I don’t even think her lips were moving. But the best part is when she used two mics to get the lip-synching job done! The “little vicodin pill who can’t” was already wearing a head mic and then she scuttled over to another mic and lip-synched into that. Did Mel Brooks write that gag, because it was fucking classic!

So was that song actually. C-3PO sounded more human than that mess. You know Vicki the Robot is the real voice behind Paula’s song. Vicki is the Martha Wash of the robot world.

How many of you were hoping one of the dancers flipped her ass too high causing her to get stuck in the rafters? One of the dudes should have thrown Paula towards the judge’s table, because she might have knocked Kara DioLEAVEALREADY in the mouth, finally unlocking her damn jaw!

And I also loved Paula’s final line before she left the stage, “Gentlemen, I’m just here for the music!” It is your duty to say that line every time you enter a room.