Mickey Rourke Is Kinky

Loki’s forever friend was arrested last night in London for murder eyeballs with the deadly weapon that is his face. Naw, Mickey Rourke was just playing around with the bobbies (Look at me, I’m English!) while he was taking a smoke break outside of a club. When Mickey saw the cops, he told them to put him in handcuffs. Yeah, I knew Mickey was a nastyfilthyraunchysucioassbitch who liked it kinky. Swoooooon. After the cop realized it was not Freddy Krueger standing before him, he had a laugh. But you know his ass thought about arresting him.

And Mickey should probably consider rolling a little Degree on his slobbery tittays before he goes out.

A Gentle Kiss From A Zombie…..

You decide who is the zombie here (SPOILER ALERT: They both are).

Detective La Toya, who is working on a case where she has to go undercover as a slutty majorette, shared a meal with Larry King and his trophy piece at Spago’s in Beverly Hills last night. Larry just sat there licking up the dust off of discarded chicken bones while La Toya rattled on about the mysteries of life. Seriously, who knows what they talked about, but nothing good can come of it. And by “nothing good,” I mean everything right.

Done It, Done It, Done It, Done It…..

Congressman Alcee Hastings of Florida got dirtay dirtay by reading a long ass list of some nasty fetish shit written by the author of a proposed amendment on a hate crime bill . That list sounds like a regular Thursday night for me. No, I wish. Actually, I don’t wish. There’s a lot of filthy R.Kelly approved shit (literally) on that list.

Although, I’m glad I know the fancy name for phone fucking now. I wish I would’ve known that when I was a teenager. When my mom asked me what I was doing with the phone for 2 hours in the bathroom, I could’ve just said, “Telephonicophilia homework, ok! Damn!” She still would’ve known what I was up to, but at least it would make me sound smarter.

Because of Alcee’s (totally hot name) robust “hint of James Earl Jones” voice, it sort of sounds like he’s reading Shakespeare. Alcee really knows how to make dirtiness sound like classic literature!

VIA TMZ

Threesome In A Publix Parking Lot

When I go to the grocery story, the sexiest thing I might see is a cross-eyed memaw “inspecting” a zucchini. I never see shit like the hot sex show that went down in the parking lot of a Publix grocery store in Cape Coral, FL.

Prudish bitches were shocked to see 51-year-old George Bartusek having a three-way sexy time session with two hot sluts. Well, I’m assuming they were hot since plastic usually gets kind of warm when you rub against it. Yeah, George was getting all horny with two blowup dolls. Hey, George was probably taught to always use a rubber!!!

One witness told NBC2 News, “As I walk by I saw this guy with two blowup dolls – kissing them and bouncing them and trying to get people’s attention.”

Dear witness, that is what romance looks like. Don’t hate on the love between a man and his beloved pool floaties. Love is blind…..and rubbery….and batshit crazy.

When the cops arrived, George told them he was visiting the shopping center to buy some clothes for his “girlfriends.” These things happens to people in love. George was trying to do everyday things, but he just can’t keep his shriveled peen out of his girlfriends’ DuPont-approved snatches. Especially when their rubber-coochies are just laying out there, wide open. SLUTS!

George was arrested for breach of peace and is currently being held on $6,500 bail. George shouldn’t trust his girlfriends. Those bitches will fucking talk. They can’t keep their huge mouths shut. Ever!

And the witness I quoted above is at the 0:23 mark in the video. That ho should understand the love between a bitch and an inanimate object. It’s obvious that she’s madly in love with her meth pipe. That being said, I want to do Jager shots off her body in a Publix parking lot. Bitch is the epitome of HOT.

And You Think You Know A Bitch…

And I thought Anderson Cooper was the kinky bitch at CNN. Yesterday, I posted about CNN’s Richard Quest getting busted in NYC’s Central Park for being in there past park curfew. The genius also told the cop he had meth in his pocket. Brilliant move.

Well, police found some other shit on his ass. Well, the stuff they found was probably IN his ass at one point. Anyway, they found a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals. They also found a sex toy in his boot. I’m guessing it was a dildo or possibly some anal beads. Richie strikes me as the anal bead type for some reason. This was in addition to the meth in his jacket pocket.

The New York Post reports he was charged with with loitering and criminal possession of a controlled substance. The judge told him that if he finishes a 6-months of drug counseling, his case will be dismissed.

Richie was with an unidentified companion who was given a summons for not carrying identification.

Richie’s lawyer issued a hilarious statement on why his client was in the park, “Mr. Quest didn’t realize that the park had a curfew. He was simply returning to his hotel with friends.” Full of shit!

And let me guess, the rope around his genitals was something his doctor prescribed for his severe erectile dysfunction. The sex toy in his boot was actually his hotel room key. Those zany hotels and their weird keys! The unidentified companion was the tooth fairy coming back from his night run.

Anderson Cooper is LOVING this mess.

Thanks Toni Ann