These Two Are Somebody’s Parents

February 2, 2014 / Posted by:

When a yodeling Disney twink with poodle hair and his Haylie Duff-looking ass beard wife want a baby to pimp out on their reality show, he jacks off into a plastic cup while putting his Sean Cody membership to good use and nine months later out will come their little adorable cover of People Magazine. That’s exactly the explanation you should give to your kids when they ask you how the first Jonas baby was made. Kevin Jonas’ wife Danielle Jonas pushed out their first kid, a little girl, today and he of course he live-tweeted the entire thing, because he’d rather busy himself by typing out words onto his iPhone instead of staring at a cooch live and in person. Since Kevin and Danielle will always find a way to #getmoneybitch, his live-tweets were sponsored by Dreft laundry detergent.

That might be the first time I’ve ever seen a non-Kardashian baby say, “Was my fucking birth really sponsored by a laundry detergent?” with her eyes.

And Kevin stopped live-tweeting after that “push” tweet, because he made the mistake of staring at Danielle’s twat during crowning. He later woke up in an emergency room bed next to a nurse who told him that he blacked out after staring at his wife’s cooch and security is searching the hospital for his dick and ass lips, because they seemed to have quit his body.

(Pic: FitPregnancy via JJJ)

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