The First Into The Woods Trailer Is Here And Why Aren’t They Singing???!?

The heads of theater queens are exploding everywhere, because the first trailer for the Disney-fied Into the Woods movie is FINALLY here, but it’s missing one sort of major thing: SINGING. There’s Meryl Streep looking like a blue-haired Sookeh in 20 years, Chris Pine with stunningly luscious blown-out Walter Mercado hair and Johnny Depp finally looking hot again and I’m only saying that because he’s covered in CGI and his nails have never looked cleaner. But there’s no hos yodeling out musical notes!

There’s just Anna Kendrick burping out “I wish” over and over again. You know what I wish? I wish you’d start singing, bitch, because this is supposed to be a musical.

And here’s a few stills in case you missed them yesterday. My abuelita wishes she had that picture of Chris Pine in the 80s to give to her stylist at the JCPenney salon, because his hair is very “grandma of the 1980s bride” and that is the hair of her dreams.

Lady Gaga Looks Gorgeous!

No, this is not Lady CaCa in a long-lost picture from the Born This Way Ball tour. This is the first picture of MERYL STREEP!!! (Note: It always feels unnatural when I type MERYL STREEP!!!’s name in lower case letters without excitement points) as The Witch in the Into the Woods movie, which is shooting in England right now and comes out on Christmas Day 2014. I know this is just a picture, but I don’t know about this mess. She doesn’t look scary or ugly enough. That wig looks like it was put together using strands of polyester pulled out of Nicki Minaj’s wig sink and her face looks like White Oprah’s hungover face after she barfed up the 3 bottles of Popov she downed the night before. Wait, since I put it that way, Meryl does look terrifying and can scare children into an early old age.

But really, this is Meryl Streep and I’m sure she’ll win a Best Actress Oscar next year for her performance in this picture alone. Sorry, Cate.

Princess Sophia Grace Is Going To Be In The Into The Woods Movie. I Blame Ellen For This! (UPDATE)

When Ellen Degeneres plucked Sophia Grace and her silent blonde cousin Rosie out of YouTube, threw mics in their hands and got them to interview celebrities on the red carpet, it made sense to me. Sophia Grace is one of those kids who likes to ask a million questions. We all have at least one in our family. I have a few and they always talk to me. I’m like that person who’s allergic to cats and as soon as they step into a house where cats live, the cats are all over them. They smell my fear. They’re always testing me at family parties and they always win. I’m that bitter old bitch guzzling down my white wine spritzer in a corner while looking like I don’t want to talk to anyone. They come after me and they don’t stop until they’ve won. It doesn’t take long. They ask question after question and they almost never pause for an answer and they never stop to breathe. “Why does your hair look like that? Why is your outfit so stupid? What are you drinking? Where’s your girlfriend? What is ‘gay’? Why are you grabbing that rope in the corner? Why are you tying it into a circle? Why are you putting that circle around your neck? Why are you standing on that chair? Why did you hang yourself? Why are your eyes turning into Xes? Why did you let your cup drop to the floor? Why aren’t you cleaning that up?”

8-year-old 10-year-old Sophia Grace is a master at asking questions and I figured she’d grow up to be a professional question asker and end up on The View in 2043. But now Sophia Grace’s career has taken a sharp left turn into a movie screen near your.

According to Playbill, Sophia Grace’s uncle tweeted that she won the role of Little Red Riding Hood in Disney’s big-screen version of Sondheim’s Into the Woods directed by Rob Marshall. A few days ago, Sophia Grace’s father promised his Twitter followers that big news was coming. Into the Woods starts shooting next month and it stars Meryl Streep as the Witch, Johnny Depp as the Wolf, James Corden as the Baker, Emily Blunt as the Baker’s wife, Anna Kendrick as Cinderella, Chris Pine as Cinderella’s Prince, Billy Magnussen as Rapunzel’s Prince, Christine Baranaski as Cinderella’s Stepmother, Gavroche from the Les Mis movie as Jack and Tracey Ullman as Jack’s mother.

In the stage version of Into the Woods, Little Red is played by a teenager or a young woman and there’s some sexual shit between her and the Wolf. So since Disney cast an 8-year-old a 10-year-old opposite a 50-year-old, I’m guessing that Disney is totally Disney-fying their version and scrubbing all the sexual undertones out. Although, if Pedobear is a producer and they really want Chris Hansen to pop out from behind a tree in the middle of their scene, they’ll keep the sexual undertones in.

And since Disney is well on their way to Disney-fying the hell out of Into the Woods, they might as well go all the way and replace Little Red’s song with this:

UPDATE: Sophia Grace’s reps (she has those) confirmed that this is true. She is playing Little Red in Into the Woods. HONEY BOO BOO WAS ROBBED!

Jakey Gyllenhaal And Chris Pine Will Make Beautiful Music Together, Maybe…

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella’s Prince and Rapunzel’s Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella’s Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they’re splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven’t put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto’s partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as “brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed.” Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world’s premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe’s singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don’t care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here’s a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they’re able to sing is when they sing into each other’s butts. It’s what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here’s Chris Pine at last night’s L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.