How To Get Free M&M’s At The Movie Theater

We’re in a recession right now and movie theater M&M’s are really expensive, so why not let Alec Baldwin and Page Six teach you how to get chocolate deliciousness into your mouth without opening up your pocket book. It’s pretty simple. Just annoy the crap out of someone to the point where they are willing to part with their candy. FOOLS!

Page Six says that at a screening for Blue Valentine at the Hamptons Film Festival over the weekend, Alec Baldwin murdered the nerves of those around him by texting during the movie. A source explains what happened next, “He was on his phone the whole time, and the light was disturbing others. But he stopped quickly once somebody started throwing M&M missiles.”

SEE! Just text your way to sugary dingles. Yes, there’s a chance that they might launch bullets and/or fists at you instead of M&M’s, but that’s a risk worth taking. Besides, the threat of swallowing your own blood will make those M&M’s taste that much more delicious.

OctoMom Is Going On Welfare

The days of OctoMom getting a stack of cash for tabloid covers and interviews with foreign TV stations are long gone. Octo wrote a book, but publishers won’t even use its pages to pick the dingles out of their ass cracks. Octo tried to get a reality show, but she’s even too trashy for TLC and that’s saying EVERYTHING. Octo tried to merchandise the Octo name, but that isn’t going to work out either.

Because of all of this, Octo’s checking account is as bruised and battered as her uterus. So what’s an Octo to do? STRETCH MARK PORN! But before she goes there, Radar says that Octo is going to go on welfare first. A source close to her says, ““Nadya has nannies and huge expenses raising 14 children. She needs a lot of money just to keep up with the basics. And now the income has dried up and she didn’t make enough in the past year and a half to live off of it. Nadya will never come out publicly and say she’s going on welfare but everyone close to her and familiar with her situation knows that it’s going to happen very, very soon. She needs the money. She has no choice at this point. And she’s been on public assistance before. There’s just no choice. She’s running out of money and those kids need to eat.”

And if that isn’t bad enough, TMZ says that Octo and her 14-strong child army is in danger of getting kicked out of their home for not paying the mortgage.

I watch House Hunters every single night before I close my eyes and dream of Mah Boo feeding me blue cotton candy on a carousel, so I know for a real fact that Octo can buy a 10-bedroom MEGA MANSION in another state for the same price of a studio apartment in Southern California. So Octo needs to throw her litter into the back of a Greyhound bus and head towards (insert the name of a state you don’t live in that has a low-cost of living). And if that crazy bitch doesn’t want to do that, then there’s only one other option: BABY YARD SALE! Maddox is already in line!

In Failed Whore News….

Markus, Nevada’s first ever legal “prosti-dude“, has packed up his peen and quit the ho business after only 2 months on the stroll. Markus started leasing his dick to lady customers at the Shady Lady Ranch back in January, but only 10 women got to leave a wad of cash on his nightstand. And 9 of those “women” were really male politicians trying to put one past Markus by dressing up in drag. I made that up (but it’s probably true).

The owner of Shady Lane says that Markus leaving was a mutual decision. She says he has gone back to Los Angeles to do porn. That means you can catch him chewing man ass on Corbin Fisher very soon.

Shady Lane hasn’t taken dick off the menu altogether, though. They have hired a dude hooker who goes by the name of Y. Yes, Y. The Y must stand for “Y The Fuck Would Ladies Pay For Dick When They Can Get It From Gerard Butler For Free?!”

Source: LVRJ

No, Jermaine, No

Is it too soon for a reality talent show that is looking for a dancer that can move just like Michael Jackson? While we’re all screaming “YES,” Jermaine Jackson is nodding his Max Headroom head “NO,” because he’s going to judge one over in the UK. SANTO DIOS!

Later this year, Jermaine will be the main judge on the BBC show Move Like Michael Jackson. The six-episode show will feature dancers who can moonwalk and crotch grab just like the King of Pop. The melting caramel square said in a statement, “Michael was a superb dancer who inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines….AND I NEED A CHECK.” That last part was improv, just so you know.

The most shocking thing about all of this is that Joe Jackson’s hand is not anywhere near it. I sniffed the story thoroughly and didn’t smell Blu-Ray dust or bull dog snot, so Joe is definitely not involved.

And there’s really no need for this reality show since we all know who has “Michael Jackson moves” like nobody else:

IN THIS ECONOMY: A Mother Tries To Sell Her Kid For Gas Money

The recession is fucking all of us over, but do we really need to be trading our children in for gas?! That’s what a woman in Florida tried to do. Allegedly.

WTSP in Tampa reports that 37-year-old Marcy Pappalardo was arrested after a truck driver called 911 claiming that she tried to sell him her 6-year-old son for gas money. The police questioned the woman and then put her in handcuffs. Another woman who was in the car with Marcy says the truck driver is lying. According to her, the truck driver wanted sexy times from Marcy in exchange for gas money. When she turned him down, he made up the child selling story to get back at her.

The truck driver said the topic of sex was never brought up. Dude went on to say, “You know, I have mixed feelings. To see the kid crying like that on TV was tough. I caused that upon him and I have a kid of my own. But had it been the other way, where would the child be?”

Something in the milk ain’t clean about this fuckery. You would have to have used tampons for brains to want to sell your kid for just gas money. I mean, I know a kid can’t you get to the bar before 2-for-1 happy hour is over, but selling him for just gas money?! A Slurpee and a Slim Jim were not part of the deal. Talk about selling your poor kid short. How dreadful.

And instead of trading your kid for gas money, train him how to siphon tanks and snatch credit cards. That could be a real precious mother/son bonding moment. There’s my parenting tip of the day!

The Real Bitch Is Back

The new Melrose Place is lacking….well….EVERYTHING. What that shit needs is a genuine bitch in a power suit to stroll in there and slap some excitement into it. Well, first they need someone to slap Asshole Simpson, because bitch is always asleep at the acting wheel. Asshole’s elbows play a more pivotal role in that show than she does. Those who watch this crap know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, back to the bitch at hand. UsWeekly says that Amanda Woodward will return to Melrose Place to beat ass and take names! Amanda will make her first appearance on the November 17th episode. Amanda needs to take a page out of Kimberly’s crazybook and blow that BITCH up again, because they need to start over again.

The show’s executive producers issued this statement: “Heather’s involvement in the show is something we’ve been working on for some time as we couldn’t imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character’s inclusion.”

Now that the light of Melrose Place has returned, maybe that show won’t be so damn dark anymore. Like, literally dark. I know most of the new hos on that show are dim bulbs, but that shit is ridiculous! Seriously, turn a light on. Watching that mess makes me feel like I have cataracts.