Hugh Hefner Calls Crystal Harris A Liar

Failed gold digger Crystal Harris told Howard Stern yesterday that a tongue depressor held by a free clinic nurse has been in her vagina longer than Hugh Hefner’s tortoise head dick was. In case you haven’t already shuddered through that mess, Crystal said sexy time (because there was only one) with Hef was anything but sexy and it lasted about 2 seconds. Crystal also said that Hef had to stop guzzling down the Viagra since it was making him blind in the eyes and all he really wanted to do anyway was cuddle with her. Did you hear that makers of the Boyfriend Pillow? This is your cue to start making a Whore Friend Pillow (with a built-in waist vagina pouch for keeping your hard candy safe) just for Hef.

Well, Hef went on Twitter last night to call Crystal a liar and say that she BAMBOOZLED his old fool heart. Hef has since deleted a few of those Tweets, but here they are thanks to the power of copy+paste to clipboard for future use.

The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.

Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why.

When I said, “I missed a bullet” when Crystal left, I didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I meant I realized she really didn’t love me.

I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.

Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.

I’m happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard.

Long Tweet short, they’re both dumb whores. Crystal is a dumb whore for admitting that she’s not into necrophilia (there goes her gold digging career since she turned off every possible sugar pepaw). Hef is a dumb whore for thinking that a 23-year-old is with him for him and not for the bag of $2 million that falls into her lap when he croaks (insert a Holly Madison shank eye here).

And I’m a dumb whore for still talking about this mess. It doesn’t matter if Crystal boned that bag of bones once, twice or a million times. It all still leaves me with the same feeling I felt when our family cat brought me a baby bunny head with bloody veins spilling out of its neck and shit. I tried to push a fake awww out of my mouth, but the wet heaves rushed up my throat, wrapped around it and dragged it down.

QOTD: Crystal Harris Only Sexed On Hef Once

Crystal Harris continued on her Failed Gold Digging Whore Tour today by talking with Howard Stern about the first time she ever humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner’s grave worm dick. It was pretty much the kind of romantic shit you’d expect between a 24-year-old lazy gold digger and an 85-year-old grandwhore. Crystal got to bypass Hef’s usually conveyer belt line of blonde sluts and go straight to the front for a two-second long ride that made her pussy frown. Crystal spoke the language of true romance when she put it like this to Howard:

“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

Sugar Pie better stick her little paw out, because Anna Nicole Smith is about to shed one single tear from heaven over this hurtful shit. Anna Nicole would’ve never behaved like that. That bum bitch Crystal Harris is a shame to all gold diggers. Yes, the thought of riding on Hef would make most coochies stiffen up like they’ve got rigor mortis, but you slap it loose and handle it.

You picture Hef’s wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a “transfer transmitting” bar. Don’t hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that’s how a real gold digger does it. I swear. If I was related to Crystal, I’d erase her name from our family tree on Ancestry.com. A shame.

via UsWeekly

Can’t Keep a Good Ho Down

So Hef teared in his shaken-not-stirred verrry dirty martini for a whole week and a half, straightened up his silk jammies, and got another trick to ride his Viagramobile. Bitch boom bye Crystal, it was nice knowing you. Okay, not really.

TMZ says the new toddler in Hef’s playpen is Miss January 2011 Anna Sophia Berglund. What a refreshing departure from his usual bleach blond bimbo with huge fake tittays lineup! And she’s an older woman, 24 days older than Crystal-what-was-her-name. Bravo on growing up, Hef!!

Speaking of side pieces, thanks so much for all the love today. MK makes this shit look as easy as me on a Saturday night but it’s not!! I didn’t expect so much support. You are the loving jock strap to our limp noodles, and thank you for putting up with this sub-par shit for a week. XOXOXO

Somebody Didn’t Stop The Presses In Time

Above is the official wedding announcement of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris that will hit newsstands on Friday even though she hit the kill switch on their wedding. The staff at the Playboy Mansion will have to keep several freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh’s bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias while staring at his pant-less ex-bride on the cover of his magazine. The cover needed to come out, though.

You now know why Crystal’s dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal’s chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don’t have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.

In other failed digger news, Crystal told Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM show this morning that contrary to Hef’s Twitter tears, he didn’t really want to get married again. Hef was only marrying Crystal because he thought that’s what she wanted and he’s relieved he won’t be a husband again. Crystal says she realized the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally (served inside of a sarcasm empanada), Crystal’s new single came out the same day as the news of her break-up with Hef.

Crystal is definitely a failed gold digger but I can’t accuse her of being a failed stunt queen. What all of us saw as true love was nothing but a publicity stunt to her. Bitch gave herself away by saying that she can’t hang with the Playboy lifestyle. When you meet your known whore husband during a barely legal orgy, you know what you’re getting yourself into.

And I don’t believe that Hef won’t get married again. I’m sure he’s already visited a local nursery to put a few future brides on hold just in case he makes it to 103.

That Sound You Hear Is Holly Madison Laughing At This Mess

Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner’s taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn’t bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.

TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?

Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she’ll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that’s where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly…

She’s probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly’s hoping that Hef won’t notice, which he won’t. Now that’s how a real gold digger does it!

Another Gold Digger Victory: Hugh Hefner Will Marry Crystal Harris Without A Prenup

The sun is shining outside for me, which can only mean one thing: Anna Nicole Smith is smiling down from heaven after finding out that 24-year-old Crystal Harris is keeping her gold digging legacy alive by marrying an old bitch without a padlock around his $43 million fortune! Yup, Crystal isn’t warming her hands in the picture above because Hef hates it when she massages Bengay on his ass cheeks with cold hands. Crystal is doing the gold digger prayer and it worked!

In a couple of months, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner will mumble out an “I Do” to Crystal Harris before shuffling off to his corner to eat a can of weddin’ puddin’ and slowly falling into a temporary drool coma as his third wife toasts to her new position as the highest-paid nurse ever!

TMZ says that Hef still believes that true love is a real thing so he’s not going to ask Crystal to compromise her gold digging beliefs by signing away millions upon millions of dollars.

Hef is at the age where he just doesn’t give a fuck! Give him a pair of silky pajamas, a few Viagras stuffed in caramel squares, a conveyor belt full of barely legal titties and he’s happy!

Meanwhile, you know that unlucky sad dude from Albany who is putting on a fake smile as he watches his co-workers walk away with the $319 Mega Millions jackpot? Yeah, Holly Madison feels his pain right about now.