Khloe Kardashian Might Be Done Trying To Save Lamar Odom

The last time we checked in on the addict-saving efforts of the Florence Nightingale-for-ratings of the Kardashian family, Khloe Kardashian, she was trying to get her husband-in-the-technical-sense Lamar Odom into rehab after he started boozing again.

Khloe now might be giving up on her dream of the KUWTK kameras catching her blowing a good-luck kiss to Lamar through the rehab gates. Khloe went onto Instagram yesterday and poured her heart out about this rehab drama with Lamar. Either the test audiences at E! weren’t responding to the Khloe Saves Lamar…Again storyline or she’s too busy finding ways to insert herself into Rob Kardashian’s messy engagement plot, because it sounds like she’s done with Lamar’s rescue.

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Oh, It’s Just Jennifer Lopez Reminding You That She’s Very Sexy

Living shimmer brick Jennifer Lopez celebrated her 46th birthday last night at a club in the Hamptons, and she wore…whatever you’d call this. It looks sort of like a dress that was made from those tissue paper thongs they give you when you go get your snatch waxed and some factory defect sheer panel shapewear. Regardless of whatever it is, JLo is working the hell out of it. She’s serving up classy funeral stripper realness, and I love it.

JLo’s dress is hot (vaguely slutty + covered shoulders = always a hot combo), but sadly, it’s nothing compared to the overwhelming beauty that was her 45th birthday cake. Maybe that would explain JLo’s dress. Maybe when it came time to get dressed for this year’s birthday party, a vision of that exquisite buttercream nightmare flashed before her eyes and it whispered “Girl, you need to step up your game this year, because I set the bar very high.” And that’s how several pairs of black pantyhose became an dress.

And if this is what JLo wears to her 46th birthday party, I can’t wait to see what kind of next-level “I’M STILL VERY SEXY” eleganza she pulls out for her 50th. I’m sure there’s a team of stylists working on a single stretch mesh ribbon as we speak.

Here’s more of a newly 46-year-old JLo arriving to her birthday party last night with her professional…uh…boyfriend (???) Casper Smart. Also at the party was French Montana, who appeared to be wearing an ill-fitting children’s Tony Manero costume from a Party City outlet store.

Pics: Splash

Shrek And Fiona Are “On A Break”

Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in the swamp! According to Us Weekly, the Lowered Expectations version of Kim, Khloe Kardashian, and her sleazy Shrek-looking rapper/aspiring fame whore boyfriend, French Montana, have temporarily kalled it kwits on their 8-month relationship. I guess after 8 months of tirelessly working to keep her relationship relevant by getting papped walking in and out of nightclubs and airports with Shrek, Budget Kim is exhausted and needs to take a break. HA! Did you think I was serious? As if Pimp Mama Kris would ever let her hookers take a break from the ho stroll! No, a source claims Khloe wants to take a break because Shrek Montana is apparently a stage-5 clinger:

“They are on a break,” one source tells Us. “The relationship got too heavy and Khloe needed to take a step back. She just wants time apart from him.”

Another insider says the Moroccan-born musician was too “needy” for the reality star. “It grated on her that he became so dependent on her.”

Normally it’s a Kardashian that’s the one doing the soul-sucking, not the other way around. I’m sure that really confused Satan.”I don’t get it! He’s even more desperate to be famous than our own hookers! Kris, are you sure he didn’t accidentally fall out of your snatch 30 years ago?” Oh well, back to the swamp with you, Shrek. Say hello to Don-keh for me!

And speaking of things getting too heavy, here’s Khloe shopping for watermelons (aka “removable fruit-based butt shapers“), then walking around Williams-Sonoma with them stuffed into the ass of her pants:

Pics: Splash

Khloe Kardashian And Shrek Montana Kept It Klassy By Posing With A Machine Gun

No, you’re not looking at an EXCLUSIVE teaser for Shrek 5: Natural Born Ogres. It’s Pimp Mama Kris’s finest ho from the OK Face-division of Kris’s DisKreet Kall Girls, Khloe Kardashian, and Shrek’s asshole brother from another ogre mother French Montana. You know how I know this picture isn’t a promo for Shrek 5? It’s missing an annoying ass (no, not Kim; I was referring to Donkey).

Ever since shooting wrapped on the star-studded pre-divorce episode of KUWTK, the Kardashain family of ghouls have been starved for attention, so Pimp Mama Kris got to work finding ways to keep her rotten krotch droppings in the news. Unfortunately no one cared about the illiterate model one’s Vogue shoot, or Marla Hooch’s Instagram bikini shot (“Damn it Satan, I specifically said LESS face!”).

So PMK called up her backup kash kow Khloe and told her cancel Shrek Montana’s 3pm mouth breathing so they could get together and take a truly stupid picture. And so, Slow-e Kardashian posted this ~artsy~ picture of her chugging champagne and Swaggy Shrek cradling a machine gun on the set of his music video for “They Don’t Love You No More” to Instagram, and I would love to hear the conversation between Pimp Mama Kris and Satan over this one.

Satan: I don’t know…it doesn’t feel right.
PMK: Why? What’s wrong? My hooker looks beautiful! Post it!
Satan: Don’t you think that it’s an inappropriate message? Especially after that horrific shooting spree two weeks ago?
PMK: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was too busy selling off my finest rubber-faced whore to a wealthy rapper. Now post that picture, or I’ll see to it that The Sock One applies for your summer internship down here.

And in case you’ve forgotten what Khloe looks like without a gun pointed at her, here she is sashaying her Khloemeltoe through the airport on Saturday. My say something nice: it’s nice of Khloe to give her waist some time off.

Pics: Splash