Good News: Elisabeth Hasselcrack Won’t Be On The View For A While

That’s because Elisabeth Hasselcrack is going on maternity leave after queefing a baby out yesterday afternoon in New York. UsWeekly says that Elisabeth and her husband Tim now have a baby boy they named Isaiah Timothy. Isaiah is the third Hasselbeck child after 4-year-old Grace and 20-month-old Tyler.

Congratulations to Whoopi and Joy on their ears getting a little vacation from Elisabeth’s hyena screeching. I hope that while Elisabeth is off annoying her newborn baby, The View saves some money IN THIS ECONOMY and replace her ass on the cheap with one of these choices: a bobble head doll that melted in the sun, Ann Coulter’s strap-on or a janky boombox playing a warped tape of Glenn Beck’s amazing “GET OFF MY PHONE” rant.

And you know that Isaiah’s first order of business is to learn how to use a phone so that he can call a lawyer and get those emancipation papers going.

Bitch Got Sued: Elisabeth Hasselcrack Edition

When Elisabeth Hasselcrack isn’t violently fucking us dry in the ear with her shrill voice, she’s writing books on gluten free dieting. Or should I say, she’s copying and pasting from other people’s books on gluten free dieting and publishing it as her own. That’s what Susan Hassett claims anyway. Susan is madder than fish grease (Ariel 4 ever) and has filed a lawsuit against Hasselcrack for copyright infringement and being a copy cat. Susan also should have filed a class action lawsuit against Hasselcrack for being an annoying bitch.

Susan says that Elisabeth’s book The G Free Diet-A Gluten Free Survival Guide is a direct copy of her book which was published in April of 2008. TMZ says in a letter to Elisabeth, Susan listed a million similarities including chapter titles and tips.

All I needed to read were the words “Elisabeth Hasselcrack” to decide my verdict: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Unfortunately, we’re the ones who will really be punished. When this shit gets settled, we will never hear the end of Hasselcrack’s whining about it.

With Hasselcrack’s constant yapping and Sherri revealing her new “bikini body” in a few weeks, remind me again why I watch The View again?

It’s “Punch Your Monitor” Time!

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd’s PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream “Ladies and whores, we’ve got a catfight!“, Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don’t even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I’m not going to have any teeth left, because I’m constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack’s yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm…but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!

And She Spawns Again!

Run for the fucking exit! Elisabeth Hasselcrack just announced on The View that she is carrying her third Babypublican (insert ten million Kanye points here). Elisabeth said she just found out last month and she’s due sometime in August. I’m almost certain that Satan is the father of this one. Well, Satan or Ann Coulter, but that’s the same thing. Seriously, let’s all pack our dildos and head for Mars. Another Hasselcrack will soon land on Earth!!!!!!

The View: The Morning After

Elisabeth Hasslecrack put herself together this morning after exploding last night, dressed herself in mourning black, popped a few Valiums, rehearsed her speech in the mirror, adjusted the stick in her ass and then went to work.

On “The View” this morning, Hasselcrack put on a fake face and said she would support Obama as our new president. I could almost hear the chorus of screams coming out of her ears.

Don’t worry. This bitch will be back to her old whining tricks tomorrow.

After Hasslecrack spoke out of her ass and fisted everyone around the table, Sherri Shepherd gave her thoughts. Sherri usually makes my eyelashes fall out, but I felt something tingly in my dead heart when listening to her talk. I even felt something watery coming out of my eyes. I don’t like that feeling, so I had to rewind to watch Hasselcrack again, so that my dead heart could return to its charcoal state.

Who’s Sending Hasselcrack Death Threats?

I guess, the better question is, “Who isn’t?” I think most of us have our own “STFU Hasselcrack” stationary. If you don’t, you can pick some up wherever Hallmark products are sold.

Last night at some event, Whoopi Goldberg told Page Six that Elisabeth receives more death threats than any other co-host on “The View.” She said, “Politically we could not be more opposite, but I respect her tremendously. Truth is, we could not have a dialogue without Elisabeth. It’s not that we have to agree, the important thing is that we have the conversation.”

Whoopi, please. You know 99% of those death threats comes from 4 bitches whose names rhyme with Shoopi, Roy, Herry and Darbara.