The Last Dive

This isn’t another Kelly Bensimon post (see below). This is a sad teardrop in the form of a statement that slipped out of Iggy Pop’s cotton mouth. Iggy has announced that he is hanging up his stage diving days for good. Iggy made this decision when he landed flat on the floor after stage diving during a concert at Carnegie Hall recently. Nobody caught Iggy!

Iggy said, “When I landed it hurt and I made a mental note that Carnegie Hall would be a good place for my last stage dive. The audience were just like, ‘What are you doing?’”

More like, what the hell was the audience doing? Were they afraid that Iggy’s skin would come off on their hands like a slow-cooked baby back rib? That would never happen! Iggy’s skin was recently re-stretched.

When Iggy jumps, you slather your hands in SPF 100, close your eyes, lift your arms and hope for the best. Poor Iggy. When will his turkey jerky torso ever smile again?

Click here to see a few pictures from Iggy’s final dive.

Dennis Hopper Wins Restraining Order Against His Wife

Dennis Hopper was just granted a restraining order against his wife of 14 years Victoria Hopper after his lawyers argued that her presence is messing with his health. Dennis and Victoria are currently involved in a filthy nasty divorce fight while he battles prostate cancer. The judge today ordered that Victoria must move out of Dennis’ Venice Beach, CA house by March 11th and stay at least 10 feet away from him, his assistant and his two adult children. Victoria will keep primary custody of their 6-year-old daughter Galen and Dennis will get to visit her 2 hours a day.

Last month, Victoria filed her own papers in court alleging that Dennis is too sickly to know what’s going on and his gold digging daughter must be pulling the strings. Victoria thinks that Dennis’ daughter wants to cut her out of the will to get a bigger piece of the pie. Dennis’ lawyer shot down that claim today, and said that his client knows what he’s doing.

Dennis even got a doctor to sign a declaration saying that Victoria’s antics are killing him LOUDLY. The declaration read: “The presence of his estranged wife is hampering Mr. Hopper’s present cancer care. It is my belief and recommendation that the less Mr. Hopper has to do with his estranged wife at this time, the more likely he is to have his life extended.”

I’m pretty sure Victoria is going to have the last laugh here. 10 feet is nothing! That’s like two of Tommy Lee’s penises. When she’s not pretending to be the new Debbie Gibson, she’s going to spend the rest of her time shouting, mooning, spitting and flipping off Dennis from exactly 10 feet away.

Source: TMZ

Is This The Face Of A Pepaw Who Would Hit A Child?

The answer is a loud ass YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! You know, a bunch of you sent me this story, but the best e-mail came from a smart ass bitch who wrote in the subject: “This is you in 30 years.” SCRAGS BITCHES! If that e-mailer was a screaming 2-year-old child in a Walmart, I’d slap the smartness right out of them!

So, we all know pepaws are not the one! If they aren’t happy with you, they will let you know in the form of a slappity slap slap to the face! That’s exactly what 61-year-old Roger Stephens did when he came in contact with a screeching 2-year-old at a Walmart in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

CNN reports that on Monday afternoon, Roger approached a woman whose child was crying as they walked down one of the aisles. Roger, who was probably shopping for laxatives and prunes (the proof is in his face), warned the mother, “If you don’t shut the baby up, I will shut her up for you.” Roger then walked away.

A few minutes later, the child was still screaming in another aisle and Roger kept his word. He walked up to the child, grabbed her, slapped her right in the face five times and told the mother, “See, I told you I would shut her up.” Surprisingly enough, the woman didn’t immediately run to Walmart’s gun section, grab a revolver and use it to pistol whip that pepaw. No, instead she screamed for security. Roger was arrested and charged with first-degree cruelty to children, a felony. Roger will answer to the charge in court today.

The police said that the child had a “slight redness” in the face. Roger apparently apologized to the mother right before he was put in handcuffs.

We’ve all been in a situation where a child is trying to kill your soul with a high-pitched screech that will wake the dead. That’s why the gods created booze and the good shit. Roger needed to use his hands to light a bong! Smoke a bowl, grandpa! It’s not that serious. Let the good shit save you.

And since we’re on the subject of screaming children. Here’s a video of a woman reacting to a crying child on a plane. When all else fails, throw the child (and their mother) a side-eye the devil would run from.

Granny’s Got A Hoe!

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I’ve said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!