Courteney Is Not Interested In David’s Cox

Oh, it’s good to have our good old David Arquette back! I was scared there for a minute. When David checked into rehab, part of me thought that they drugged him in his sleep, wheeled him into the back room and surgically implanted a Brita filter into his brain to keep him from spewing TMI shit like he did before he went in. All was quiet for a while, but David opened his mouth to his friend Howard Stern and filled us in on the comings and goings of his dick.

Basically, he’s going more than he’s coming. David says that when he reunited with Courteney at Disney World, he tried to get her to take a wild ride on his Mr. Toad, but she politely got out of line and dropped her Fastpass into the trash. All the details we don’t really need to know from UsWeekly:

As usual, Arquette was blunt. “Listen, I tried to fuck her, and she doesn’t even want me,” he told Stern and his crew. “Oh, that’s probably something I shouldn’t have said,” he added regretfully.

The star (who appears in Scream 4 with Cox) admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse et al got him feeling romantic and hopeful. “This is the happiest place on Earth! Let’s make it happier!”

“I mean, I love her. I love her with all my heart,” he explained.

Stern, of course, pressed for details. “How far did you get with her? Just kiss?” the shock jock asked. “A little bit. It was like we were…eighth graders. Seventh graders.”

Even though Cox rejected him, Arquette took pains to insist that Cox isn’t hooking up with Josh Hopkins, 40, despite all appearances to the contrary.

“We have a really super fucking honest relationship and [a new romance with Hopkins] would have come up,” he told Stern.

You know, I was about to seriously type that David just blew any chance he had at getting blown by Courteney’s cooch again, but then I quickly erased it (and typed it again, just so I could say show you what I erased). It’s safe to say that Courteney is pretty used to living with a grown dude who always talks like he’s calling into Loveline.

Courteney Cox And David Arquette Reunite At The Happiest Place On Earth

Courteney Cox came back from her St. Barts bikini vacation (where she DID NOT lick the salt water off of Josh Hopkins’ taint) to spend time with her estranged husband David Arquette and their daughter Coco at Disney World in Florida. David shared this picture of his family with all of his Twitter followers last night. A picture that was obviously taken during an earthquake with a 10-year-old disposable camera held by an overly caffeinated heroin addict who suffers from shaky hand syndrome, because this shit couldn’t be blurrier.

They look happy, though. But I guess I’d be happy too if a VIP tour guide took me around Disney World and I didn’t have to wait 3 hours to buy a $50 Coke from a tortured employee whose eyes say “fuck my life” and whose plastered smile says “Disney will take my first born if I don’t smile at you” (I’ve read the handbooks).

I’ve never understood how Disney World and Land can get away with calling themselves the “happiest place on Earth” when they barely sell any booze and fill their stores with crying brats who scream at their mothers for not buying them a $30 bag of Disney brand jelly beans. Isn’t that false advertising? CLASS ACTION ALERT!

via Daily Mail

David Arquette Injured In A Car Crash

David Arquette is laid up in an emergency room right now after he turned his Cadillac’s steering wheel a little to the left and crashed right into oncoming traffic. TMZ has the pictures of David lying face up in the grass if that’s what you need to see before happy hour.

A witness tells TMZ that David was right behind a car that hit their brakes all of a sudden. David must’ve not heard my mom when she screamed VEER RIGHT! VEER RIGHT! ALWAYS! during our driving lessons, because he went the opposite direction and bashed right into another car.

David’s rep tells People that he’s doing “fine” and is in the hospital to really make sure he’s fine.

No word if everybody in the other car is okay. As they say, this shit is developing (but I know you’re already throwing a “bring out the breathalyzer” look)…

UPDATE: David is well enough to operate a BlackBerry, because he Tweeted this an hour later: “Remember to wear your seatbelt-wish I was. I got into a car accident but I’m fine. Luckily I have dragon’s blood running through my veins. Haha Thank you for all your concern.“

Well, This Is A Shock

David Arquette has pretty much been seven shades of DRUNK AS FUCK ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was stabbed in the heart, so nobody’s really pushing out an ounce of shock over the news that he’s checked his shit into rehab on New Year’s Day. To be fair to David, most of our livers probably crawled out of our assholes and took a cab to the nearest rehab clinic on New Year’s Day. Yup, that’s what fell out of your ass. It wasn’t an old condom. Relieved, right?

So anyway, they’re going to wring the sweet nectar out of David’s pores, take a million Biore strips to his greasy ass face and get him all cleaned up. David’s spokeswhore confirms the news to People and a source added this:

“He is in there for drinking and depression, not hard drugs. Rehab was inevitable. He is dealing with a broken heart. He can’t handle all the changes in his life. All his inner demons came out.”

All his inner demons came out?! That sounds like me on the toilet after drinking well tequila and Taco Bell’s $5 box. And for real, I feel for David’s roommate. You know David’s ass. The bitch CAN TALK about his problems! He goes on and on and on and on and on. David’s poor roommate is in there trying to keep off the bad shit and he’s got that loud ho crying out a river of WAH WAH WAH about all his damn problems. David’s roommate will definitely learn in a quick minute how to make a mild-altering drug out of toilet rust, paint chips and carpet fibers.

David Arquette Is Boozing His Heartbreak Away

Ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was put in time out until further notice, David Arquette has been filling the cracks of his heart with massive amounts of booze. Yes, he’s borrowing your “Listen, don’t get on me for having another fucking drink, because I’m still upset about my dad leaving my family…….25 years ago” excuse. David called into his personal therapist Dr. Howard Stern to once again pour out his emotions for an entire hour.

David told Howard that he recently got so filled to the brim with DRUNK that he called Tom Cruise “Sean.” UsWeekly compiled a few choice quotes from David’s public one-on-one with Howard:

During his one-hour chat, Arquette said that “everybody is worried and concerned about me,” and that he’s seeing a psychiatrist weekly.

He admitted he’s been partying pretty hard — especially at a recent holiday party hosted by Adam Sandler, in which he drunkenly called Tom Cruise “Sean.” “I was a little wasted,” Arquette says. “Someone says ‘Hi David!’, and I said, ‘Hi Sean! Then I realized it was Tom Cruise. And his beautiful wife [Katie Holmes] was there.”

Cruise wasn’t offended, Arquette said. “Tom was cool about it…I was so embarrassed. I was like ‘I gotta get the fuck out of here.'”

Why the heavy drinking? “I’ve been drinking a lot because I’m heartbroken,” he said. “It’s really a personal, traumatic thing.”

But he added that he had a “semi religious” epiphany recently: “When I drink, I become a maniac.” Arquette said he’s not drinking at all anymore. “When you wake up and reality hits you, it’s hard.”

He’s lonely, too. “I want love in my life,” he said. “I need love in my life.”

David also told Howard that he might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

David is obviously one of those kind of drunks. You know, the dude sitting next to you at the counter at Shoney’s who smells like whiskey burps and burnt hash brown. The one who makes a really gross cry face as he tries to swallow his pancakes while going on about his problems to you. Then as it gets later and later, you decide that you’ve got nothing else to do so you might as well try to cheer him up by blowing him in your Mitsubishi Mirage for shits. But then as you’re doing your thing, he’s just laying there moaning like an old dog having a nightmare.

You decide maybe a little filthy nasty talk will get him going so you blurt out something like, “Yeah, you nasty prick, you like your cock sucked, don’t you?” And then out comes a typhoon of tears, because his wife’s last name is COX! The only money shot you’ll get is a load of tears to the face. BEEJ RUINED! David is totally that dude.

So now you know to stay away from David if you see him at the counter at Shoney’s in the middle of the night.

David Arquette Is Making Up For Lost Time

Courtney Cox is no longer around to send David Arquette into the time out corner when he acts the fool, so now he’s letting down his everything and going wild. Not only is David looking like a Czechoslovakian circus roadie who smokes meth with the clowns and isn’t allowed near goats by court order, but he’s partying like he’s got no curfew!!! It’s like Big as seen through the eyes of Joe Francis.

Page Six says that at the GQ Men of the Year Awards at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, David’s thirst for the sweet nectar was so serious that he jumped through a window to get to the bar faster. The witness-type said that David was in a rush to get his mouth around a bottle so he cut his distance to the bar in half by climbing through a window.

You know, some might call that move desperate, pathetic and sad, to which I say, YOU’RE RIGHT, but it’s also all sorts of smart! What if David didn’t act with immediate urgency (as one of my really annoying ex-bosses used to fart) and politely walked to the bar instead of throwing himself through an open window? What if in that extra 2 minutes the bartender served the last drop of booze to somebody else? David would’ve been totally fucked. So sometimes you just have to jump through a window. Don’t act like at your last family reunion you didn’t crash through a screen door when you heard your auntie scream “Who wants the last beer?” from the kitchen.

And I know David is looking like his parts come pre-lubed with bathtub cheese, but I still would.