Courtney Cox & David Arquette Are Just On A Break!

David Arquette has already opened up his mouth hole wide and spewed out every detail about his split from Courtney Cox including how their genitals haven’t barfed on each other in 4 months and blah blah blah… So now it’s Courtney’s turn, but she kept her legs firmly closed for this interview and didn’t discuss her vagina’s post-David adventures. Courtney told Australia’s TV Week (via People) that she has no plans to melt down her wedding ring and turn it into a BFF split heart pendant to give to Jennifer Aniston.

Courtney says that divorce is not in their near future, “I don’t know what will happen, but this is not like we’re getting divorced. This is a separation and I think that takes a lot of courage . . . Whatever is supposed to happen will be the best thing for us. Sometimes you just realize ‘Wow, we actually have grown apart.”

When asked about David telling the world about their personal shit, Courtney said, “David is a kook. It’s not shocking and Howard Stern he loves him and I’m a fan of Howard Stern . . . David is an entertainer and I’m sure the people who listen to the radio are entertained by his stories.”

Sometimes when you’ve been with a bitch for 20 years, 10 years, 6 months, a week, whatever, you get bored with putting your tongue on their same old fuck part. You know every crinkle and wrinkle like the back synopsis of a Showgirls DVD (seriously, I have that shit memorized). So you go out and lick on other fuck parts, and sometimes by licking on a bunch of other fuck parts, you realize that the first fuck part is still your favorite to lick on.

Whoever said “absence makes the heart grow fonder” really meant to say “absence makes the dick grow harder.” My guess is that Courtney and David hope this happens for them. Or maybe bitch doesn’t have a pre-nup and she’s not about to blow a goodbye air kiss to half of her money IN THIS ECONOMY. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Don’t Ask Patricia Arquette About Her Brother’s Marriage

Patricia and David Arquette showed up to the Onexone Gala in NYC last night and I guess every reporter was asking her to comment on the current status of her brother’s marriage. Patricia basically told reporters that if a question about her brother starts to tingle on their tongue, they should excuses themselves, go to the bathroom, pull down their pants and try to lick on their own assholes because that’s a better use of their time than asking her about family issues. This is what Patricia said (via UsWeekly):

“How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!”

This is why I’m not a reporter, because I probably would’ve answered seriously with: Eh. Who? Not really. Witnessing this video. I’m doing it right now. Probably.

But seriously, why are these reporters asking Patricia Arquette about David Arquette when they have David Arquette in front of them. David will tell them whatever they want to know. ANYTHING. David has already told Howard Stern that he hasn’t sexed his wife in months and that he cried tears the first time he stuck it in another snatch. So basically, David is wide open for you. Want to know if his shits are banana-shaped? David will answer that. Want to know if David really cried because it was the first time he had sex without getting interrupted by a call from Jennifer Aniston? David will tell you this!

Besides, reporters should be asking Patricia more important things! Like why hasn’t she done a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with Alexis Arquette yet?

Oh, They’re Totally Going To Get Back Together Now

David Arquette told the Howard Stern Show this morning that he’s hoping to take a knife full of spackle to the giant cracks in his marriage to Courtney Cox. David’s first step in making that happen was to tell the entire damn universe that he hasn’t stuck it in Cox’s vagina in 4 months! Yes, David got on his blow horn and announced to everyone that the last time his peen visited his wife’s snatch Marmaduke was still playing in the theaters. This is some shit you save for your therapist’s settee or for the side-piece you’re trying to pick up in a bar.

David also kept strolling down TM-FUCKING-I Blvd. by saying that Courtney is the one who wanted to put their marriage on hold, because she was sick of “being his mother.” David said that Courtney is an emotional being and if she doesn’t feel like doing something, she’s not going to do it. He called her the most amazing person he knows and believes they will eventually get their shit together and make their marriage work.

David denied that he passed his peen to other chicks before they split up, but he did admit to getting on noted Lohan puncher and star fucker extraordinaire Jasmine Waltz after the fact.

First of all, I don’t think David Arquette read the fine print on his marriage license that stated by signing that document he’s acknowledging that he might not have sex with his wife for months (if not years) at a time. Read before you sign! Second of all, maybe Courtney will stop treating him like a child the minute he stops dressing like a colorblind 6-year-old boy from the late 70s.

via TMZ (Click here to listen to the audio)