Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.
I see that shifty trick Shadyoncé already cut Solange’s allowance, because she and her new husband had to ride their spray painted yard sale bikes to their reception in the storage room at Krystal burgers instead of taking a limo. Beyonce ruins everything!
As expected, the mice are screeching out celebratory shrieks of YAYs in the basement today, because their 28-year-old queen Basement Baby married her 51-year-old video director boyfriend Alan Ferguson in New Orleans. Also as expected, it was a great big hipster affair complete with white bikes, which they both rode to their wedding venue. People says that Solange and Alan got married at Marigny Opera House in front of around 200 people including Janelle Monae, Solange’s son Julez, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Tina Knowles. Matthew Knowles would’ve shown up, but I doubt he was invited and he was probably busy barebacking a baby into another trick.
Some source tells People that Basement Baby and Alan looked calm and happy, which means they were stoned as fuck.
“Beaming. Calm. They looked pretty calm, relaxed on their wedding day,” one onlooker tells PEOPLE. “Definitely happy.”
No, Basement Baby’s caped jumpsuit didn’t come from Elvis’ Viva La Bride bridal collection. Stéphane Rolland made that chichis baring caped suit. I love their wedding look, because Solange is wearing some shit that Bianca Jagger would’ve worn if she was a superhero and her man looks like Common’s traveling preacher older brother. The Daily Mail has pictures of the Quilted Northern dress Beyonce wore if you care about that.
And for Jay-Z’s sake, I hope he wore some cut resistant gloves to the wedding reception, because you know Solange put some razors in her fro just in case she has to come at him again for looking at her funny.