1992 was a much simpler time: windbreakers with swishy pants, Crystal Pepsi, and relaxing with a thick slice of classy Viennetta while watching Beauty and the Beast on VHS on a Friday night–all enjoyed without the urge to turn it into a thirst trap somehow to post on Al Gore’s internet. It was also the year that the smash hit children’s show, Barney & Friends, came out, giving parents everywhere 28 solid minutes to silently cry in the pantry until the “I love youuuu, you love meeee” song gave them a definitive two-minute warning to pull their shit together and get back out there. Barney seemed educational and innocent enough, but a new Peacock documentary dramatically called I Love You, You Hate Me, examines how the thicc purple dinosaur ignited society’s now pervasive attitude of “loving to hate.”
When I saw the headline Live-Action Barney Movie In The Works, coupled with a picture of Daniel Kaluuya this morning, I squealed with excitement! Imagine my disappointment when I found that the Barney The Dinosaur movie was being produced by Daniel’s production company in conjunction with Mattel Films, and that wasn’t going to be a biopic about the man in the purple suit, tantric sex healer David Joyner. Turns out this shit is for kids.
Beloved/despised children’s mascot Barney the Dinosaur is into some weird shit. Vice reports that the man who spent ten years in the big purple suit (just the suit, not the voice), David Joyner, is a working as a tantra massage therapist and a spiritual energy healer. Not that that is weird. Who am I to judge? What is weird is that David is somewhat unconventional in his practice and is a bit of a renegade in the tantra community. That is to say, his generosity of spirit is equal to his generosity of penis.