Hot Slut Of The Day!
This was supposed to be yesterday’s Hot Slut of the Day, and when I first read the glorious news about the triumphant return of the most elegant dessert that ever was, Viennetta, I thought, “This year is starting off RIGHT!” And then well, all the life was sucked out of the day in a vacuum of sad torched shit. But I cannot allow that to keep me from lighting up over the resurrection of Viennetta.!
Viennetta was a HSOTD ten years ago, because as a kid who was a fan of the finer things in life (Dynasty, Beverly Hills Teens, Clearly Canadian, Frusen Glädjé, and Jordan almond-filled plastic swans from weddings), so to me, Viennetta was decadence wrapped in lavishness dipped in sumptuousness and sprinkled with extravaganze. Basically, it was what Robin Leach shat out. It was that luxurious!
Wikipedia tells me that Viennetta was birthed in Britain in 1982 by ice cream company Wall’s, which makes sense. I mean, the most elegant and opulent being that was ever created, Dame Joan Collins, was created in Britain, so of course, Britain is Viennetta’s birthplace. But thanks to Breyer’s in the 90s, Viennetta landed in the U.S. and turned an average grocer’s freezer into something more luxurious than a glass case full of diamonds at Tiffany’s. Viennetta is an ice cream cake made up of ice cream (“You don’t fucking say!” – you) and crunchy layers. It came in several flavors.
I’m not sure exactly when Viennetta went away in America, but it did, and probably because Americans were just not ready for that kind of luxury. It was an 80s dessert in a 90s world. But America will soon return to luxury with a Viennetta renaissance. Because in a press release, it was announced that Good Humor is doing the work of the gods of refinement and are finally bringing Viennetta back!
Viennetta, the beloved classic take on an ice cream cake, has finally returned to the U.S., thanks to Good Humor! Fans have clamored for Viennetta’s return for almost 30 years, and in 2021, Good Humor grants their wish.
In the 90s, the price of Viennetta was never shown (Yes, this is true, do NOT fact check me on that) because as Prince wrote in The Glamorous Life, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.” But IN THIS ECONOMY, Good Humor will sell a box of Viennetta for the way-too-low price of $5.49. Good Humor must be looking for a major tax deduction since Viennetta definitely costs hundreds to make.
Here’s a vintage Viennetta commercial that will leave all your senses dripping with potent glamour:
2021: THE RETURN TO DECADENCE! We need this because, during the quarantine, many of us have lounged around in dirty sweats while eating Easy Mac using a plastic fork from KFC that we used the night before to eat our mashed potatoes. So in 2021, we’ll all embrace the elegance, and by that I mean we’ll lounge around in not-as-dirty-sweats while eating Easy Mac with hot dog pieces and Viennetta with a clean plastic spoon. I told you: THE DECADENCE!
Pic: Unilever