When I saw the headline Live-Action Barney Movie In The Works, coupled with a picture of Daniel Kaluuya this morning, I squealed with excitement! Imagine my disappointment when I found that the Barney The Dinosaur movie was being produced by Daniel’s production company in conjunction with Mattel Films, and that wasn’t going to be a biopic about the man in the purple suit, tantric sex healer David Joyner. Turns out this shit is for kids.
Barney is headed to the big screen. Mattel Films is partnering with Get Out star Daniel Kaluuya to produce a live-action movie based on the ubiquitous purple dinosaur.
Kaluuya will produce the project through his newly formed 59% banner, along with Rowan Riley and Amandla Crichlow, as well as David Carrico, Adam Paulsen and Bobby Hoppey for Valparaiso (Sound of Silence). Kevin McKeon will oversee for Mattel. The project does not have a studio attached.
Daniel, who probably doesn’t even know his Yoni from his Kanda, says the Barney movie will be a nostalgic exploration of love in the modern era or some shit.
“Barney was a ubiquitous figure in many of our childhoods, then he disappeared into the shadows, left misunderstood,” said Kaluuya. “We’re excited to explore this compelling modern-day hero and see if his message of ‘I love you, you love me’ can stand the test of time.”
“Working with Daniel Kaluuya will enable us to take a completely new approach to Barney that will surprise audiences and subvert expectations,” added Mattel Films’ Robbie Brenner. “The project will speak to the nostalgia of the brand in a way that will resonate with adults, while entertaining today’s kids.”
“Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination, and we can’t wait to get ‘I love you, you love me’ stuck in heads everywhere, yet again,” said Carrico of Valparaiso Pictures.
Ok, but can new Barney deliver a mind-blowing clitoral orgasm without lifting even lifting a purple foam finger?
I don’t think they even called David to ask about his availability. It sounds like they are more interested in resurrecting the I Love You song, then they are at capturing what made Barney so special: His sick dance moves. David can do it all. It’s like we’re just going to ignore the fact that he also played Hip Hop Harry who “is a hip hop rapping, break dancing teddy bear who runs an after school center for kids, called Hip Hop Central.” (via Trainwrecked Society)
You don’t just throw a talent like David in the gutter once the applause dies down! You lift him up on a “beautiful wave of Enlightened Ecstasy“. Without David this project is sure to fail. Sure, it may make millions of dollars, but it will be spiritually, and sexually bankrupt.