This Doesn’t Look Like Peter Pan To Me

Thanks to that Little Hot Topic Hood mess, that Beastly piece of shit and the dozens of Snow White “reboots,” Hollywood’s latest game is taking literary characters and turning them out for the Twihards to gnaw on before the next installment of Bella Bites Her Lip comes out. And now they’re going after Peter Pan! Somebody stand behind Sandy Duncan before the ho faints.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Channing Tatum, producer Joe Roth and screenwriter Billy Ray are peddling a pitch called Pan (or Peter Pan Begins) to various studios. There’s not many details about the project, but judging by the title it’s safe to say that this is about Peter Pan’s time in the womb or something. THR doesn’t know which character Carol O’Neal is planning on playing.

Now, if this shit was a sequel to Peter Pan (starring Carol O’Neal in the title role) and started right after the forever boy discovers Internet porn and springs quickly out of puberty into manhood, I’d be all about it. It could follow Peter Pan as he makes up for lost times by fucking his way through Neverland. HO SHIT, Pan style. He’d use pixie dust lube of course and they could call it Peener Pan. But since this is Peter Pan BEGINS (followed by The Green Pan and The Green Pan Rises), it doesn’t seem likely that this will be making its way into my Fandango cart.