Matthew Perry Seems To Hate Keanu Reeves For No Good Reason

Other than Dolly Parton, you’d be hard-pressed to name a celebrity more universally beloved than the Internet’s Boyfriend (2019 – ‘til the wheels fall off and we’re back to stanning via tin cans tied together with a string) Keanu Reeves. However, Matthew Perry apparently hates the dude. And here I thought the big, terrible thing referenced in Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing, the addiction memoir Matthew’s currency hawking, was his addiction. But considering Matthew’s seemingly unfounded detest for the man who would not only never hurt a fly, but would probably befriend a fly and let it live in his guest house rent-free until it could get back on his wings, I think the Big Terrible Thing in Matthew’s book might be Keanu himself.

So far, the excerpts from Matthew’s book have been carefully doled out to include anecdotes about his colon quittin’ a bitch, spending $9 million dollars on rehab, and dumping Julia Roberts before she could make like his colon and quit a bitch. But somebody actually had to read his memoir to suss out the fact that Matthew apparently thinks the world would be a better place without Keanu in it, contradicting every other person on the planet except maybe Bat-Erdene Otgonbayar of Ölgii province Mongolia who has never actually heard of Keanu before and should he pass him on the steppe, wouldn’t know him from Adam. Matthew offers no rhyme or reason for his apparent hatred of the man with the most consistent hover-hand on this side of Leon Theremin. Page Six reports:

Matthew Perry has revealed a bizarre apparent hatred of Keanu Reeves in his new tell-all memoir.

“Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?” he writes in “Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing,” out Nov. 1.

The troubled “Friends” alum made his first movie, “A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon,” in 1988 with Reeves’ longtime best friend, River Phoenix.

Perry, 53, played Phoenix’s BFF in the movie. The pair became close pals while filming in Chicago and the star writes in his book of Phoenix’s death from an overdose at age 23 in 1993: “River was a beautiful man inside and out and too beautiful for this world, it turned out. It always seems to be the really talented guys who go down

Surprisingly, Jimmy Reardon wasn’t Matthew’s last movie (that would be the 2000 stinker The Whole Nine Yards), but it probably should have been. Matthew writes that “he sobbed when River died, adding, ‘I heard the screaming from my apartment; went back to bed; woke up to the news,” which I guess implies that Matthew lived nearby. Somebody might want to check on where Matthew was living when Heath died because it’s starting to sound suspicious to me. Of course, the common thread between Heath and River’s deaths was drugs. Which is perhaps the reason why Keanu “still walks among us,” and Matthew’s colon would rather self-detonate than spend one more minute listening to him muttering, “Could I BE any higher!?” to himself. But that’s not the only time Matthew lamented that Keanu’s legs still work pretty good. Matthew apparently would rather someone spot Chris Farley helping an old lady cross the street than have Keanu out #inthesestreets minding his own damn business and being a mensch.

Weirdly, Perry gets in another dig at Reeves in the book, following Chris Farley’s death.

While battling addiction at the height of his “Friends” fame and playing Chandler Bing, Perry signed on to film “Almost Heroes,” a 1988 comedy co-starring Farley.

When he found out that the “SNL” star had died of an overdose in 1997, at age 33, Perry once again seemed to think it wasn’t fair that Reeves was still alive.

“I punched a hole through Jennifer Aniston’s dressing room wall when I found out,” he writes. “Keanu Reeves walks among us.”

Very bizarre if you ask me. And I don’t think these pointed asides about Keanu will improve his book sales. In fact, you don’t come for the NFT scoffing, double-scoop loving, age-appropriate dating, (looking at you, Perry!), fan delighting, welcome wedding crasher and Angel of Bakersfield without needing to watch your back. I might suggest Matthew look into some rural properties in Idaho to ensure he gets the privacy he’s gonna need. The Internet don’t play when it comes to defending its man!

Pics: Jose Perez/INSTARimages.com, Adam Nemser/startraksphoto.com